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Am I doing the right thing

Sorry this is going to be a long story...but I need some input if Im handling this right or not.  I'll be amazed if anyone makes it to the bottom of this post :)

First, the long story part...

Dday, 1.5 years ago (June 08) I found out my wife had an affair with our former mutal boss.  We had already left the company 3 years prior (2005) and moved across the country (2007), so this was mostly finding out things from the past.  She had been having the affair for 7 years (1998-2005?).  It likely ended when we left and moved, though he did contact her to try to meet up right after we arrived in California (2007), though it's not clear if she did or didnt see him at that point (she of course denies that heavily).  She has admitted to the affair, and to most of the details.

Fast forward 1.5 years later.  Still hurting but we had moved on.  About 1 month ago I had a gut feeling she was acting a bit suspicious (changing passwords, not putting her phone down, nothing major just a bit odd).  We discussed it, the need to be open, she understood, we continued on.

Last week - She went on a trip.  Again, that gut feeling.  A lot of emails to a particular rep she had started traveling to meet for work.  A lot of calls.  They do indeed work together, just seemed to spike and was so consistent.  I asked her before the trip about her plans, and she laid them out (where she was going, her meetings, her hotel, etc).  I had trouble reaching her the second night she was away, and when I reached her in her room late, she said she had simply fallen asleep (fair enough).  Except she was clearly intoxicated.  We discussed her evening, how she got back to the hotel, etc, etc.  As the bell rang in my head, I decided to call the hotel back and ask for the sales reps room.  He was not checked in at that hotel.  Phew I thought, at least that lines up with  what she's saying.

But the next night when she returned, little things started not matching with what she had said the prior night.  So I dug.  Her car rental mileage was way over what it should have been, by a ton.  She had email arraining dinner with this rep that didnt match her story.  She had internet history also arraining a meal she didnt mention.  She didnt have a room service charge for the first night she said she ate in her room.

I confronted her.  She denied, denied, denied.   I slowly presented each bit of info.  Eventually she gave me a new story.

She said she had dinner with this rep at an extremely expensive restaurant.  She said she lied in advance of the trip about it because she was worried I would be upset and she wanted to have this dinner (it provided her some social interaction she lacked).  She said she lied about how she got back from her business dinner the next night (also with im and others) because she thought I'd be worried.  She said she told me he stayed in a different hotel than here because she thought I'd be suspicious if I knew they were in the same hotel.

That last part is a problem.  He wasnt registered at her hotel.  I checked the night she didnt call home.

So now what to believe?  Her "final story" still doesnt work.  But why lie about him having a room at her hotel if he didnt?  Maybe he stayed with her and she thought I knew he had been there?  Maybe the hotel just screwed up?  Maybe he checked in under a different name or some other bizarre situation?  Why?

So, at a minimum, to at least settle on what her final story is so at least it answers those questions, i asked her to ask him for a copy of his bill.  Use the excuse she's arguing with the hotel over her rate and needs his rate to get a discount.  Or hell, tell him the truth and she needs to resolve an issue at home.  Doesnt matter...our marriage should be a higher priority than some embarrassement with this guy.

That was 5 days ago.  She has not got a copy of his bill.  She hasn't even asked him directly yet.  She says she asked his secretary but that's it.  Each day, Ive made it clear this is needed.  Im on the verge of leaving.  We went to a councilor on Monday (4 days ago).   The councilor also impressed upon her the importance of settling on the "facts" so we can discuss moving on, and she should do anything and everything to get that hotel info, including a potentially embarrassing conversation with this rep.

Today.  She left this morning for another trip.  He is also there.  I've made it clear her actions these next few days will really determine if we stay together.  I tell her Im going to leave unless something changes in the next couple of days (she leaves for China on Sunday for a week, so time is of the essence).  I tell her I need to feel the sense of urgency and priority on her part that I feel.  She goes over her plans.  Meetings and dinner with clients until late.  The rep will also be there.  She says she'll work hard to make sure we get through this.

Tonight.  It's 1:30 am.  No phone call.  We spoke at 3pm for a minute and got cut off.  That was it.

I called her.  She says she fell asleep.  I can't believe with all of this going on, her understanding Im about to leave her (and she says clearly that she doesnt want that, will do anything, etc, etc), she doesnt even call.  And no, she again did not ask him for that hotel bill.  After a brief exchange, with her simply saying she fell asleep and not understanding why Im upset, I tell her Im done, and hang up.  She calls back, leaves a message saying she'd like to talk.

At this point, Im at a loss.  I sent her an email tonight (3am) that Im leaving and going through some logistics of what we need to discuss tomorrow when she gets back.  I emailed because I still love her, and I feel I need to do what I should have done 1.5 years ago and take that step into the abyss and just leave.  My brain knows its what I should do, but my heart and stomach are struggling.  Its 15 years of my 39 year old life, and 7 years of marriage Im leaving.  Its everything I know. 

So, if you somehow actually made it through that whole story, and would like to share some advice, perspective, etc, PLEASE feel free.  Im I rushing my departure.  Should I try to work through it again?  If so, how could I ever develop trust.  I don't know if another affair actually occurred or not.  But the path toward one definitely started, and every agreement about openness and trust since the last has been broken recently.  And though she says she wants me to stay, she seems to be in denial the last week.  She's not making an effort other than just words.

She leaves for China Sunday, so she'll be home for one day and one night then gone for a week.  If Im going to leave, it's really the ideal time to do it.  I can get everything in order while she's away.  She knows this as well.  So I feel if Im going to go, nows the time.  But is that silly?  This is so hard...


by MikeInSJ   2 Posts
Posted on 4/1/2011 7:30 AM

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Comments for "divorce360.com | Am I doing the right thing"  (7) (You must be logged in to answer)

Mike, one thing that marriages need, and even more so when one partner has been unfaithful and the other is still trying to make it work, is total transparency.  She needs to understand that due to the fact that she had a horrendous affair which ripped your soul apart ( a hard concept for some people to grasp) you need more assurance at this point than you needed in the past.  If she doesn't "get" this, she doesn't understand the impact of her affair...and she will continue to lie and sleep around.

Have you tried marriage counseling?  Again, any counselor will tell you that after such a monuental betrayal, complete transparency is needed. 

Since you asked, I think she's a lying slut and you'd be better off without her.
by Iam   7316 Posts
Posted on 5/8/2011 11:27 AM

Here's my two cents worth....it doesn't sound like she's making any effort.  If she's not doing anything wrong then why is she lying?

It's really hard to trust someone who has shown they can't be trusted. 

You deserve to be treated better than this.  Get into some counseling for yourself.  Right now you need to focus on yourself.

Good luck.
by Kitty7470   3803 Posts
Posted on 5/8/2011 11:20 AM

Only you can know if you are doing the right thing for you.  I say that because only you know how you feel about everything.  But, threatening divorce may only backfire on you.  
My question to you is- do you believe it is possible to love someone, live with them and not trust them?  Seems to me like even if she completely comes clean, it will take a lot for you to trust her again.  And, trust is of the utmost importance in a marriage.  You need to continue counselling for you.  If she doesn't go and doesn't follow the advice, then you have your answer.  You can't have a marriage if only one of you is fully invested.

by Dactyl   5834 Posts
Posted on 5/8/2011 10:16 AM

My God--Run! Run! 7+ years and it still continues.  Save yourself. "Rushing your departure?" OMG! Surely you don't want to end up like me--30-year marriage, my entire adult life ending without the one thing I wanted most: a Family.
by Redfeather   71 Posts
Posted on 5/8/2011 9:50 AM

If you're looking for facts, call a PI - they can get what you're looking for and stay on the right side of the law, which is what you'll need if you decide to take it to court. I'd trust her half as far as I could throw her with my non-dominant hand right now.

Should you decide to divorce, and are in a no-fault state, no fault's the quickest, easiest, cheapest route. The information you have regarding her current activities can be used as leverage (adultery's a pretty powerful bargaining chip) in negotiating a settlement that's in your best interests.

We're here for you.
by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 4/1/2011 4:01 PM

Thank you so much for the response.  It's amazing how encouraging and comforting it is to get feedback from even complete strangers that have gone through/are going through similar experiences.  I really appreciate the response and advice.
by MikeInSJ   2 Posts
Posted on 4/1/2011 8:55 AM

One thing I can say....trust your gut.  It never misleads you. 

You don't trust her which is normal after she had a 7 year long affair.  Her excuse of "social interaction she lacks" is crappy....you know that!  With her past history she should have no problem with you wanting verification of what the hells going on. 

Doesn't sound to me like she seriously wants to work on the marriage.  Sounds more like she's keeping you on the side in case this "thing" with the other guy doesn't work out.  There's a word for that....it's called a cake eater.  Wants both...it's safe because in the end she doesn't end up alone.

I think you truly know that she's not being honest with you.  The counselor gave her advice that she's not taking...that sounds like an endpoint.

My stbx and I have been married for 26 years; I'm 48.  That's more than half my life spent with him.  However, he's an alcoholic and an abuser.  Sometimes we can't look at the length of the marriage, but the quality of the time.  You spent a good amount of time with a knot in your gut. 

You should continue with counseling for you (not including her).  Make initial consultation appointments with a few attorneys and find out what your rights are.  I know how hard this is, but do it.  Keep posting...we'll keep listening and helping any way we can.  Peace....
by sweetpea04   2025 Posts
Posted on 4/1/2011 8:05 AM

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