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How can i change his mind? please help

We've been married 3yrs and we have a 3 1/2yr  daughter. My husband left us and moved to his home country. He wanted us to come along but i refused. He's been there since Feb. We had been talking about us joining him but more and more it sounds he doesn't want to give up a 'bachelor' lifestyle. Going to bars/clubs etc. I told him he would need to spend more family time in order for us to move. Now he says that he hasn't been happy for years and he thought it was because he wasnt in his country but has doubts about our relationship. He says he wants to be alone and doesn't love me the same anymore. That he can't be a husband to me. What can i do to change his mind? I don't want a divorce, we made a promise to eachother. I love him very much :(

by cherry88   2 Posts
Posted on 4/20/2010 7:22 PM

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Comments for "divorce360.com | How can i change his mind? please help"  (12) (You must be logged in to answer)

Stay put.
Seems that he loves the nightlife and his country more than you and his daughter. Let him have it. Hope those things keep him warm at night.
As was said by other posters, if you join him, you may end up in a world of hurt. The movie "Not Without My Daughter" comes to mind.

Like you, I took my vows seriously. But people change. Sometimes it's best to move on.
He's the only one that can change his mind.

by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 4/22/2010 10:10 PM

Hi cherry -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.

There are many risks in moving to a foreign country.  Some do not honor womens rights...  some do not believe that women have any rights to either property or children should there be a divorce.  You made an intelligent decision to stay here in the US when your husband decided to move back to his homeland....  especially now that he is cueing you that he has been partying and enjoying the single life once again.

There is no path for changing another's mind.  The only one who can change your mind is YOU...  right?  The same is true for all people.  The door of change has a latch that only opens from the inside and only the owner has the key. 

As much as you may feel despair and remorse, you are better off here in the US where you have family and friends for support.  You would be very alone should you have left. 
Your little girl needs her Mommy very much now so focus all your attention on her and make your life as good as you can while you heal from this crass human being who has cast you aside and moved on.

Keep posting here...  these folks have your best interests at heart.

(And ignore posts from jerks who just come here to hurt others...  they don't count!!)

Best -
by Lisa Cannon   
Posted on 4/22/2010 12:55 AM

Please do not listen to divineone - it sounds almost as if this person has something personally against you. Toss them up as a troll, and ignore them.

With that said, count your lucky stars you did not move. A man doesn't up and abandon his wife and child because he misses his home country. Lots of us come from other places, but if we in loving relationships and have children, we don't put our needs ahead of theirs.  We compromise. That is what adults do.

Your husband ran away. He most likely did it so he wouldn't have to pay child support.  He's so willing to give up on you and your child, you should not waste another moment in trying to convince him to come back.  I know it hurts, but as others have said, its probably for the best.

We're here for you to vent.
by misu   189 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2010 8:12 PM

I don't know who some of these posters are on this board, but I think you were very wise not to up and go to a foreign country, your husband's homeland if you are NOT from there and you don't knwo what your legal rights are.  Imagine if you had gone there and if you don't speak the language..You would be at a clear disadvantage of being totally dependent on him and remember that just because you went there, would not STOP him from wanting to lead the single life. Count your blessings you stayed here ....If he wants a divorce.LET HIM GO.  Work and save your money, get a divorce and seek sole custody of your child.Divorce is a total B*tch of a process and I don't even have kids..so why chase or want a man who abandoned his wife and child. And I guarantee you after a few years of his party life, that scab will come back seeking you again.

by Wentopia   23 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2010 4:28 PM

Sadly, he's telling you exactly how he feels and there's nothing else to do but accept this and begin to heal from the hurt. We have no control over others and his choice not to be a husband does not mean that you or your child are 'unloveable' it just means that he doesn't want to grow up and be responsible. My stbx said the same to me and he'd said it years before we ever got married...I shuld have listened then and saved myself the hurt. Trying to 'make' him love you and 'make' him take responsibility for the promises he made will only lead to further pain down the road. You may convince him or guilt him into staying in the marriage, but he's telling you how he feels now. He wants to be alone and he's not in love with you.
It's awful to love someone and not be loved back...to have a made a promise and to have had a child together, but the best gift you can give you and your child is the opportunity to accept, to heal and to move forward. There will be someone out there who wants to commit to you and be a family, someday. The sooner you begin your healing work, the sooner more love can come into your life. My heart goes out to your pain. Take care.
by ReEmerging   468 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2010 4:26 PM

This is going to be a bit harsh, but whatever.  It's women like you that make me sick. First you refused to compromise with your husband and move back to his country with him, because you're a selfish ole witch. Then when he goes with out you, and you realize that he's now clubing and getting a life you want to move your butt out there so you can control the situation for another 3 fake azz years.  You don't love this man because if you did you would have gone with him.  What was holding you here?  I'll bet not one damn thing that couldn't have been resolved in months down the road.  Here's the answer to your question: YOU CAN"T CHANGE HIS MIND, HE DOES'NT WANT YOU!! Move on.
by divineone   1 Post
Posted on 4/21/2010 3:55 PM

you cannot change his mind, and if you try you will compromise yourself.
 Be strong move forward for you and your child
good luck to you
by donw   384 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2010 3:38 PM

Unfortunately this is a hard lesson to learn:   You can't control anyone but yourself.      So while you may still be in love with this man, he has made up his mind that he is not in love with you or your life together.  He may or may not change his mind but you can't put your life on hold in the hopes he comes back to you.   

Now you need to move forward and take care of you and your child.   That means consulting with an attorney when you are ready and gaining more information about what you need to do to provide for your child.

Surround yourself with family and friends and devise a plan to start rebuilding your life.
by timless   1833 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2010 3:33 PM


As others have said you cannot control the other person and you will never change their mind.  Having gone through divorce and also seen a brother have a dependency problem there are alot of similarities. 

The person who chooses to lose is the "drug addict".  They are addicted to a dream life they have built and cannot see the reality around them.  It is impossible for them to see the destruction they have wrought and no matter how much you stage interventions etc.  It will not work, just constant relapses which continue to damage and hurt. 

As hard as it is to do you must practice "tough love" and not to the other person but to yourself.  Love yourself to know to salavge the person you are and the loevly young lady you have who needs you.  It is painful to do, but less painful in the long run versus constantly being hurt and betrayed by the drug addict.  They must find their own way and it may not include you.
by Capricorn   14 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2010 3:29 PM

Rule number one...you can't control him or his actions.  I know it isn't what you want to hear, but the truth is he needs to find out the source of his unhappiness...and if it's being unhappy in marriage, better for you to find that out now than after turning your life upside down and moving to a whole different country.

I know it hurts.  I've been where you're at.  I didn't want my marriage to end either, but in the end, there wasn't anything I could do to save it, no matter how hard I tried and how much I didn't want it to end.  Once the other half has checked out of the marriage...there isn't anything you CAN do because you can't control what and how your spouse feels.

The best thing you can do right now is concentrate on you and your child.  Do things to keep busy and your mind occupied.  I wish there was a better way...a less painful way, but there isn't.  Seeing a therapist can help a bit with managing the pain if you can't do it yourself.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.  I wish you luck with everything.  Keep posting here...it does help!
by BlueB   3218 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2010 10:43 AM

People have minds of their own.  Just like you making up your mind that you did not want to move out of the country and he couldn't change that.  You can't change his mind if he doesn't want to be in a marriage any longer.  Unfortunately that's the awful truth.  Hoping that your situation works out the best for all of you.
by strongatheart   68 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2010 10:04 AM

i'm not sure of the legal aspects of other countries...but i would be wary here.   do not move to another country with your child until you are 100% sure that he is devoted to you/your child/your marriage.

i know this is so hard to hear....but this does not sound like it's going to go in that direction.

he left.  he moved out of the country.  he has told you not to come.  he has told you he doesn't want to be married.  he has told you he hasn't been happy in years.

while it may be all a shock to you...and while you may love him and are willing to do whatever to make it work...you simply have to listen to his words and actions.

it's hard.  it's brutal and what he has said and done is gross and cruel.

but do not put yourself and your child into a difficult and potentially legal trouble sitatuion by packing up and heading over there.

i know how hard this is....we all know how hard it is to wake up one day and realize that your life is now changing drastically and what you thought was real....wasn't.

the most difficult pain is dealt by those we love.

but please.....as hard as it is...listen to what he is saying.  look at what he has done.

don't you, and your child deserve so much better? 

as a mother your main focus has to be your child.  what is best for her?  chasing after a father who doesn't want to be a man and a dad?  chasing after someone who has run away and abanonded her?

by paula1   29143 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2010 8:45 AM

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