My New Wife is So Obsessive About My Ex, We Might Get a Divorce Over It

How are things going between you and you wife?  Are things looking up. 

I really wish you the best but do not turn a blind eye.  You really need to find out why she has so many trust issues when it comes to your ex and your children. 

Best of luck

Lisa

I settled this by telling my wife she need not pay me for anything so none of her money is being "lost" to the ex-wife. In return, I ask she allow me to keep the divorce details to myself and she won't be involved, concerned, or nagging. We seem to be okay now.

I understand how you feel, but your wife should have no impute when it comes to your kids.  Unfortunately, my ex-husband picked a woman with the same issues as yours.  She hates my children and feels that I am demanding.  She drives by my home to check up on him to see if he is really picking up the children and is downright rude.  She calls my daughter's cell phone and my home and my work.

She has made a motion for him that was self serving and sticks her noise into our business.  Me on the other hand has a boyfriend that does not over step his boundaries with my kids and my ex.  He at times does have suggestions but believes it is between me and my ex and is very good to my children. 

Your wife has to learn that you have children and an ex and should support you.  I believe you said you were in counseling I think that you should directly ask why she feels this way about your ex.  Has your ex ever had any altercation with her that you did not know about.  Is she jealous that you have kids with another woman?  Do you have children with this wife and thinks you do not pay enough attention to the kids that you have with her? 

There is definitely some underlying problem.  She knew what she was getting into when she married you.  She knew you had and ex and children and responsibilities to them. She needs to stop the control or your marriage is heading for divorce.

Thanks so much for all of the insight. My wife and I are always in love, so after we fight, we spring back to passion, which has happened. This issue will no doubt come up again, and again, and again, but we will talk our way through as best as possible. She knows that it stresses me to talk about it with me, so she will vent to her friends, which is okay. In this way, we show respect to each other. I learn so much from the new marriage and divorce, especially as an author of well-reviewed national essays about divorced dadhood (see divorceddadbook-dot-com), and I try to keep my life's trajectory toward happiness. Thanks again!

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The other part of the equation are control issues, which your wife definately has from your post.  They come from low self esteem and insecurity.  Your wife feels she needs to control what you do because she doesn't know how to let go and let events unfold naturally.  She is giving you the message that she is more capable.  I am sure you don't like getting that message.  No one wants to be married to their mother.

Try approaching this in a session with your counselor -  I hope you are still going.  Tell her that her attempts at exerting control over your decisions regarding your children's lives and the lives of their mother, make you feel like you are being treated like an inept child. 

She needs to understand that she married a capable adult who can manage his life without supervision. 

Is there any merit to her point that your kids mother is taking financial advantage of you? 

Please let me know on this last point.
Best -
Lisa

By the way, I do financial counseling as a part of my practice. Clients who have tried the system have had great results.

HI Joel -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360. 

I read over your posts and  I am very concerned about your wife's behavior toward your children's mother and your kids.   Yes, it is appropriate for you and she not to have secrets.  It is appropriate for you to seek her opinion about financial matters that may involve family funds.  It is, however, your final decision what happens with your children.

I have suggested to some of my clients, especially in situations where there are children from prior relationships, a plan that has solved many financial issues.  It is as follows:  

You both maintain completely separate finances opening one joint account where you each deposit your fair share of $$ to cover the monthly bills.  Your fair share is the % of net income you each bring into the home.  So for example if you earn $60K and she earns $40K you split the household bills 60% to you and 40% to her. 

Credit cards are in each parties name only and each party is responsible to pay their own charge card with their personal funds outside of household $$.  Household $$ includes things like rent, utilities, cell phones, cable, car payments, insurances and food.  Things like clothing, gifts( for relatives or each other or the kids), personal care and pocket $$ all come from each of your personal funds. 

Child support is deducted from your % before the split.  She married you knowing you had kids so she agreed to this division.

When you handle your $$ this way neither of you has any say in how you spend your own $$.  I assume you both work and so you both have the freedom to do with your $$ as you wish.  This will allow your wife to feel that you are not spending household $$ on your kids Mother or your kids. 

The $$ that you do spend in that way will come out of your personal funds.  Hopefully this will avoid some arguements.

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Just lay all the cards on the table and gain the trust of your wife.  Communication is the fuel that keeps a relationship going for decades.  She should be fully informed of all financial matters as she is your wife.  The way we handle our problems define who we are.  If you stubbornly continue on the same path as you are, you will have 2 failed marriages.  A marriage is the same as a business contract.  Full disclosure of everything is certainly not unreasonable but necessary.  She has a valid point, as part of the partnership.  I hope you come to your senses before a poor decision comes into play.  Divorcing over finances is the most lame reason of all.  Especially since the country has nowhere else to go but up.  I believe the economy will be as when it was in the fifties, booming.  This financial hardship you have is only temporary.

JHS,
I agree inside -- my wife is being totally irrational and disrespectful of my ownership of this issue. But if I even come close to saying this, she blows up at me, saying "oh I guess it's all my fault." She thinks I let my ex run all over us, but she's spent maybe three minutes knowing my ex and I lived with her for 10 years. Who'll know her and her motivations better?
This AM we talked a bit about it and managed to do it without a fight, but she'll spend most of this day sulking.

I have chosen to be blind about this since the beginning, so marrying before working this out is clearly my fault. My wife and I do okay financially with what I pay my ex -- we have a nice life. She just wants what's "owed" and wants me to yell at my ex and I just won't be controlled that way. 
I am actually taking my ex to court over a boyfriend cohabitation issue, but this just isn't enough for my wife. We've spent the last four days with her crying or sulking. She often makes comments like "Oh, I'm glad you ex had THAT MUCH TIME ON HER HANDS to make the kids' halloween costumes!" I just ignore it, and she gets mad.

Hate to say it, but you asked for this. Did you not know that your current wife had issues with your ex wife before you married her? Like it or not, all of our ex's are going to be part of our lives if we have kids. If it isn't already, this is going to harm your kids. Is she jealous of them too? Probably if she is begrudging them money.
I don't see a person who acts like this changing. Sorry....

My wife has no trust in me to make a good decision regarding my ex. I understand my ex is acting in her own best interest -- that's what happens in a divorce. But my wife just can't let a moment go without nagging me to call the lawyer or yell at my ex, or making a snide comment about my ex whenever an opportunity arises. We get into huge fights during which I tell her I value her opinion, want her to vent, accept (if not agree with) her position, but it doesn't help. She's obsessed, and it makes her angry, cold, resentful -- you name it. That she lets my ex ruin our marriage, when all I want is to keep her out of our life, drives me crazy. I love my wife, but it's making me miserable.

Why did she marry you..trust issues are coming into play..deal the hand you played...GOOD LUCK!!

Wow! I gather this was brought up in counseling. What did the counselor say about the lack of trust issue? I can't imagine a counselor condoning your wife's behavior unless there's something significant you haven't said. Have you made lots of bad decisions (or even one very costly one) WRT your ex? You don't say, and I think it does make a difference. I'm betting the answer is "no", though.

On that assumption, I'll read between the lines and guess that your wife didn't like what the counselor was telling her, and therefore stopped going (or at least paying attention). Anywhere close?

How are you guys on $$? Is there "enough" despite the supposed screwing from your ex? If so, I fail to see the beef. Sure, nobody likes giving more than is fair, but if it doesn't hurt you, and it keeps the ex placated, I'd consider it money well spent. Of course, if the $$ you're getting screwed out of keep you eating beans instead of hamburger, that's another story.

 

This is my honest take...

You said "she lets my ex ruin". I disagree. If she allowed you to handle your ex without interference or comment, would your marriage be getting ruined? I'd say "no". How about "she causes my ex to ruin" instead?

You said "but it's making me miserable". I disagree. Would you be miserable if she allowed you to handle your ex without interference or comment? I'd say "no". How about "but she is making me miserable"?

You said "We get into huge fights". Do you ever instigate them? How about "She causes huge fights"?

You said "I love my wife", and I'm sure you feel you do. But ask yourself, does it make sense to love someone who doesn't care that her words and actions are making you miserable and ruining your marriage?

Reading between the lines again, I suspect your wife has anger and control issues. If she refused to let counseling help, all I can say is...

Good luck!