He is HATEFUL, SPITEFUL and acting out...

I know what you are going through.  My kids are 10 and 14 and my ex seems to target the younger one.  But I had a really good attorney which court ordered counseling for him and the kids and if he continues to violate the order he could loose parenting time. 

Just document everything that is what I did and the judge gave me a very specific order that if he does not comply he will loose time with his children until he goes to court order counseling.  This is is last chance to comply or he is done.

What I did was call my kids schools and explain that I was going through a very nasty divorce and if they had a guidance counselor or psychologist in their respective schools to help them cope.  I have since been recommended to Value Options in my State which is free counseling and they come to your home and counsel your children.  Also, in my state I go to the local youth center for counseling with my children to rebuild our life without him and if they have anything that upsets them they know they can tell the counselor whether it is me or their father. 

Also, when he gets nasty either ignore it or I usually say to my ex that does not work for me and than I do not get e-mails for months.  It takes two people to fight and if you are the one that does not argue who is he going to fight with... himself.  It took me a lot of counseling to realize this and that I cannot expect my ex to be the parent I want.  He is who he is and kids are smart they know.  He will see in time that his son will not want to have visitation with him.  So hang in there.  It is a slow process but I believe things will work out in the end.  Also make yourself look good and him look bad.  Do not give him any ammunition to use against you in court.

Hi Michelle-  I am a relationsip counselor and divorce coach here on D360.  You have gotten somr excellent advice here.  I agree with regards to getting some professional helo for both you and your son.  You mentioned he is in 1st grade, that means he's around 6.  He is old enough for a counselor to be able to help him.   Art therapy is really useful for his age group.  You would benefit  from some help as well.  Emotional abuse is very taxing and can erode your self esteem very quickly. 

Keeping a written log for the courts is an excellent suggestion as well.  I would also try to get some of his rantings via phone recorded.  Radio Shack can help you get set up if you want to.  There's nothing as convincing in court as hearing his words first hand for the judge. 

Try hard to remember that he is behaving this way because he is self absorbed and without compassion.  This may change someday.  We can only hope.  For now, protect your son from as much damage as possible and don't cover up for his Dad's actions.  You shouldn't explain, he is too young for that, but you shouldn't make up stories either.  Stick to bland reasons that won't hurt your son.  He will get hurt regardless, but do the best you can.

I feel for you and am here if you want to chat anytime. 

Best -   Lisa

Im Just a Little confused he he the one who cheated and wants out or was it you who cheated. whoever was at fault gives him no right anyway to treat yours son wrong the kids are always the ones who suffer the most im about to go threw a divorce that i dont want but my wife wont budge she cheated on me with someone younger than me that plus having 1 some of my own and 2 of a previous relationships of hers i raised all the kids as my own and never put them involved in any of the bickering divorce effect the 2 people involved in many ways as well the woman and man where anger builds up i wish your son the very best.....

I totally understand your situation. I am in a similar one with my ex. She is just destructive enough to make everything a pain, and make the kids suffer, but not enough for me to force her out of their lives. Here is what I would do:
1. Write down EVERYTHING! A good log is imperitive to show the court.
2. Have you filed for divorce yet? If not, then file right away, requesting full legal and physical custody and only supervised visitation. The court needs to know that you are in fear for your son's mental and/or physical wellbeing.
3. Request court mediation if he fights you. In Ventura County, CA where I live, if you have children, mediation is mandatory...and they interview the children. At first I was really upset about this, but its a child psychologist that does the interview and they are very tactful. My children's uneasiness with their mother came out in the interview and the mediator recommended very little visitation.
4. As mentioned above, do something for yourself. This was hard for me at first, but you need to do it. The most important thing you can do is not let him get to you. Its making you crazy and probably making your son crazy as well. Pretend its a game and your Ex wins when you get upset. Just don't let it bug you. You need to be strong for your son!
Take care and good luck!

Have you spoken to a therapist or lawyer?  Emotional abuse is a legal issue.  I recommend you talk to someone as this is affecting a third party.  Courts don't stand for much these days.  You can fight, and probably win, sole custody and this way control when he sees his child.  If he misses it, then he misses it.  I would also strongly recommend a therapist to help with your son.  Most importantly, do not complain or say negative things about your ex in front of him.

And as for you, you need to do something for you - you know he's doing this on purpose and all you can do is NOT react.  Walk away.  What good is getting upset going to do.  Fill your life and that of your son's with activities...be busy, do things, make your own life.  Your ex will come to realize that he's missed out eventually but that's NOT your problem.  What to say to your son?  "Daddy couldn't be here.  You'll have to ask him next time he calls."  I hope you get professional help and good luck.

My ex pulls the passive aggressive button pushing thing, so I impose sanctions on her by not doing favors. However my son NEVER hears any of it. Getting the kid involved is unacceptable.  I finally solved it by telling her that any email with more than one sentence won't be read. If it's not "I need $xxx for expenses this month" or "I am dropping him off at x" or "I need you to pick him up at x" It goes straight to the bin. She has to call me for anything else. She doesn't have the guts to do it over voice communication.

The hostility can now stop. I still can't be in the same room with her outside of picking my son up. I just get nauseous. After all the post-separation drama that she put me through I don't want to be anywhere near her.

Kill him with kindness, if you can. Don't answer the nasty stuff directly and don't explain yourself under any circumstances. And be nice to yourself, at some point we all walk alone and that's what he's doing now.

I did actually get him to admit that it is no longer about what is best for my son, now his behavior is about me.  Or at me rather.  My problem is I really don't give a rats ass how much he hates me.  He is now simply out to "win" to "make me pay" and hurting my little boy in the process.  I about shit myself when he admitted it.  I'm sure he regrets that one!  Thank you all so very much ~ I really needed you all today.  I think I'm about to push my poor mom over the edge and I have moments of serenity but a whole lotta crazy still happening in my head.  He just moved to a home up the road and blew off calling Owen on Saturday (4th time) then he said he would be at the bus stop yesterday to see him off and decided to sleep in instead.  Owen is hurt and mentioned it to the sitter (she told me about him mentioning it).  It's like he is having a mid life crisis or something.  He is not following through on commitments to Owen and it makes me very, very angry.  The he doesn't even apologise to either of us.  He was to come over yesterday to see how Owen's first day in 1st grade was and didn't show up.  He had a buddy come over so he could show off his new bachelor pad.  Unbelievable.  And yes, he knows how angry I am and how to push my buttons.  I had been doing really good rising above until last Friday really.  This weekend was tough.  My sponsor and I were to meet and her home was chaotic so I left.  She was upset with me but I just can't take that kind of environment any more.  Its just been really really stressful and I balled the whole way to work this morning.  I felt my neighbors had rallied behind me but they seemed to be chatting it up at the bus stop this morning.  I was crushed.  He is a good playmate for Owen but there is no ability to parent what so ever - he is an idiot.  Honestly, I have no idea how he made it to adulthood - oh wait that was me for 15 years.

Btw- Be nice if you could get him to admit some things via voicemail or email- even texting..Don't antagonize but be prepared if the situation arises....lol..

Try to not react to what he is doing- I know it may be hard but silence is GOLDEN- Maybe he is just trying to get a rise out of you..
 Keep track of EVERTHING! Document- dates-
My ex bf did the same thing- He was hatefull thru voicemails and texts- but face to face or if he wanted something - he was so sweet.
 When he picked up the last of his stuff- I was Miss Cool Calm and collected..He behaved..but he also knew my glock was locked and loaded..in case he got out of line..I just sat there drinking my coffee and smiling...lol
Try not to react- Hang in there!

I can totally relate to what you are going through.  My ex became spiteful, childish and just plain ridiculous. I did not hate him when he wanted a divorce, but I hated him for how he hurt my children. My three kids suffered greatly and we had a long year of drama, therapy and misery because he couldn't deal. (and he was the one who wanted out). 
My advice to you is 1) always stay calm- your child doesn't need two whacked out parents. 2) always think through everything you say and do - do not be reactionary. 3) document everything and 4) leave the door open for the possibility that one day he will regret his behavior and be able to be a good parent. Kids are forgiving. 
 I have learned that when some people feel like they are not in control of a situation, they act out in ways that they would not normally do. My ex FINALLY realized his mistakes (even kind of, sort of admitted them) and is now making changes that will improve his ability to be a parent, and my kids (who did not even want to see or talk to him for months) are willing to forgive. 
Even if you are not a religious person (and I don't consider myself to be), remembering this might help....."Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes God lets the storm rage and he calms his child."   That always helped me to focus during the horrible times.  It will get better. Good luck

Is he doing it to get to you? Maybe he thinks it is the only way to see a reaction out of you or see any feelings for the end of your marriage? Its not right, you'd think the courts would do something but what is it they can do if someone wants to act like a kid and not play as a grown up?