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should i just file or hold out hope?

I have been married for almost 12 years and he left 3 months ago,  got an attorney right away, I retained mine to be safe however he has yet to file and tells me all the time he is torn on what to do. I love him very much but I think back about if we were really happy and I dont know if we really were??? he has hurt me so much over the last few months and I cant help but think that love really doesnt do that if it loves back. I think I am just scared to be alone he was my high school sweet heart the father of my children and has been my whole life.. Why cant I start to picture a new life why do I keep hold on  the past that always left me feeling second best? does it start to get better and if so when? I dont want to give up and spend the rest of my life wishing I hard tried a lil longer or a lil harder..I just want to feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel I feels so scared an empty even if I dont really undertsnad why is it the loss of my husband or being scared of being alone... So I am left to think if I should just file and start to take back some of my power or keep praying and holding out hope when he gives me NONE back??
by christa_   29 Posts
Posted on 8/25/2009 8:49 AM
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Comments for "divorce360.com | should i just file or hold out hope?"  (9) (You must be logged in to answer)
Hi Christa
I'm sorry you're going through this. You said you're afraid to be without him, it's normal, you've been together so many years. Ask this question: Is there more bad than good when you're together? Do you see yourself happy with him for the next 10 years?At the end you have to do what is best for you and your kids. If you decide to leave for good, you will probably be sad and miss him for a while but it won't be forever, who knows, your luck may change and you might meet someone else.  Just remember, the longer you are with someone, the harder it is to leave. I don't know if this helped, but please be strong!
by sophula   9 Posts
Posted on 9/11/2009 8:02 PM
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Christa,
Sorry to hear that ma'am.My first wife left me and our children it crushed me.Raising the children helped me remain stable and made recovery bearable.Remarried 15 years later cause I was ready,found a new love,dated 3 years and then married.At the altar immediately everything changed.Filed for a divorce for the third time in this marriage 9 yrs.This time I must follow through ma'am as I suffered a heart attack last year.Her and her children have just constantly increased the venom towards me trying to destroy me.I filed in May this year after many many tears.
It takes courage beyond belief to hang in there..She pleaded with me the previous two times not to because she would seek help.Once she received notice from the court that I filed for reconciliation,she would get right in my face and scream,"If you were a real man,you would have followed through!!!" Guess you know how that made me feel?
Christa,I still hold out hope for a wonderful successful relationship after this mess.Good luck,ma'am.
by Byron   242 Posts
Posted on 9/6/2009 6:46 PM
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I filed! I feel better but I still get scared I have been with him for 13 years so.....cant think about that, I AM GOING TO BE OK in time!! thanks guys for listening and giving me people to talk to, its great.
by christa_   29 Posts
Posted on 8/28/2009 1:03 PM
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All good advice, I agree that taking back some of the personal power is good for us as individuals, and helps re-balance the relationship, too. It's something that has to be done anyway, whether we end up staying together or not.

If you do break up, the process will be a little painful, but just when you think you can't take it any longer, it'll get better. You're not the same person you were when first got married, either, it's easy to think back to how you might have felt then and believe it'll be like that again. But it won't.
by Natalie   729 Posts
Posted on 8/25/2009 12:35 PM
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Hugs to ya- Keep us posted- Feel free to email me of you like! You are among friends here
by mtnvly   3539 Posts
Posted on 8/25/2009 11:44 AM
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I think that is a good idea...thanks I needed to hear it;)
by christa_   29 Posts
Posted on 8/25/2009 11:11 AM
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I understand that! Sometimes our mates can strip us of everything - or try to. Been there and done that!
 The while jealousy thing - thats in my history too! My 1st hubby tried to make me feel like I was doing something wrong also.
 I would say that it sounds like he is trying to manipulate you- Like I said - go ahead and file. It does not mean that your marriage is over- it just means your countdown has begun to it , if that is what you choose.
 Could be that will rattle his cage enough you will see some positive changes. Could go either way-
 My advise is though - just make sure before you sign the final paperwork you have done all you can. With the counseling- if he refuses or you see no progress w/i a set amount of time ( 6 months maybe) then the ball is set in motion already for you.
by mtnvly   3539 Posts
Posted on 8/25/2009 10:37 AM
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its hard not to let fear creep into every thought but I need to try my hardest to be strong... We did go to counseling but all it was was him saying he was mad that I have guy friends (i am a bartender its kinda my job to be nice). I think he wants to stay mad at me for things he has done?? I dont cheat and he has never caught me somewhere I was not supposed to be or doing something that was wrong.  i dont know if he thinks the grass is so green or if he wants to really be divorced??? I think you are right to keep going to counseling but on the other hand I feel because he left part of me being scared is I dont have any power in this so if I file i might start to feel like I am starting to take some back.....?
by christa_   29 Posts
Posted on 8/25/2009 9:32 AM
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File for seperation- You will have time to think things through.
If you think there is a chance then go for it- try some counseling- for you both. Make the suggestion to him and see how it goes.
 I think that you still love him- but it is covered by all the hurt. I think if you take some time - you may find it again.
We can't answer some of your questions. Only you know the WHOLE story and what has happened. To go ahead and file for separation sets the wheels in motion. You can be seperated for how ever long you like and still reconcile. Things need to be decided now as to visitation etc- so you are legally covered no matter.
I hope he will go to counseling with you and things work out.
On another note- In your decision about divorce- DON'T let your fear of starting over or being alone factor into it.
Take care hun- wish you the best.
by mtnvly   3539 Posts
Posted on 8/25/2009 9:16 AM
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