How do you change your mindset?

And that's a question that only you can answer...I wish you luck with that decision.

I guess the big question is if I want to change my mindset.

Do I love him enough to give him another try?

You sound like me. You can read my story, but my H has lied twice about women he was texting. This last time was an old hs friend and I knew something was going on. I saw snippits of facebook emails that really hurt. He would get really angry when I would say something. Later I found his secret email by looking at his phone. My heart broke but this time I was not afraid to leave and be alone. That killed him.

After almost 2 months of him doing everything he can to change and showing me those things and knowing he is not on the phone, there is no computer use, nothing, I finally chose to forgive. I was so tired of going back and forth with myself of "what if he changes and I leave" or "what if he doesn't and I waste time". I finally decided the other day I am not going to think about the stuff he DID. That is past. When I do think about it, I will force it out of my mind. I remind myself every day that I love him and I  forgive him. That has helped my mindset the last few days.  All we have is time. If we spend it trying to live and love and it doesn't work, all we lost is time.

The song "Remember When" by Alan Jackson is now our favorite song and is my ring tone for him. It helps me remember the good things and what I want to fight for.

Yes, a persons mind set can be changed, but it takes a lot to do it.

First, the person must feel or see the need to change their mind set. Reasons for them to believe that changing their mind set is the best thing to do. This is also know as the key motivator. Without it in play, change will not happen.

Next, the person needs something to change to. A solid and healthy destination to which they can arrive to. Like changing directions while you are driving. You need to know your new destination point.

Next, the person needs the tools to which this change can happen with. From self determination, co-support from others, even professional counseling and medication.

Last, the person needs to see positive results to stay on course with their change. Supportive and encouraging praise. Regular positive results to enjoy. A pay off for all the hard work done in changing.

A person can change how they think, but it starts with changing how they feel and see things. Some people can make such changes on their own with their own insights, but others need help from one degree or another.

If you want your husband to change his thinking, find out what he needs to see or feel to make him first want to change. What is it that will motivate him?

When you get to thinking about the negatives or the pain, look at that list again...remind yourself of what you're fighting to keep.  When you find yourself getting the, "Why bother?" attitude, you look at that list and remind yourself why you DO bother.  That's how you change your attitude...a little at a time. 

This isn't to say you shouldn't be skeptical or just rush into this with blinders on...but I think he is right...if you walk into this with the attitude that it will fail, then that's a self fulfilling prophecy...you won't do the work that it takes or invest yourself fully...and it WILL fail.  In which case...why bother to make the effort?  Do this for you...remind yourself of the rewards you'll get out of it if you succeed.  If you really don't think the rewards are going to be worth the effort...then tell him now.  He deserves to know the truth.  If, however you DO have hope that this could work...then you need to commit yourself fully to making it work.

I hope this helps.  I wish you the best of luck in all this...keep us posted!!!

Well, first, this is his assessment of his and your attitudes...is the attitude he's ascribing to you accurate?  Are you really going into this with the attitude that it will most likely fail, and therefore not giving it your all?

Having read your story, I can see that if this tends to be a cycle with the two of you, your wariness is understandable.  But I would give you this advice...do you love him?  That's first and key...if you don't, nothing you do will ever work...no matter if he changes, no amount of marriage counseling...you have to assess your feelings for him and go from there.

Second...you need to figure out what you need from him for this to work.  If you've told him 8 times, he gets good for a while, then relapses...if you're going to work this out, you need to figure out WHY he's relapsing.  I don't know if you two have tried marriage counseling, but if you haven't, I would give that a try...a good one can help you two build better communication skills.

Finally, speaking of better communication skills, he needs to tell YOU what he needs from you to make this work.  Marriage is a two way street...and nobody's perfect.  He needs to assess and first be honest with himself...too often, we try to give up fundamental parts of our being to satisfy the other spouse, when in reality, we're lying to ourselves in that we can live with that...the reality is, leopards can't change their spots...so, behavior that you find unacceptable re-emerges.  But, some behavior can be modified...he just has to be honest with himself in determining if he has the desire and will to change those behaviors.  Part of that is exploring why he does what he does.  Then, once he has determined what he needs/wants, he needs to tell you and be honest.

I don't know if that really answered your question, though...so try this...make a list of all the things you do love about him...all his good qualities.  The parts of him that you would truly miss if he were gone (continued).