I don't really care anymore...

I have regained some of my will to live partly because I cannot imagine how my children would go on with their lives without me. They are the reason I breathe at this very moment. They are innocent bystanders in this terrible mess that is my life. I cannot allow the demons to take me from them. I have many reasons to live and I no longer feel that painful urge to end my life. The urge was so strong that it rocked my soul and spirit to the core of who I am. I spoke with my husband today and he reaffirms his love for me but quickly followed with the statement that he "doesn't like me cery much right now". I responded "same" for me about him. My life is not really my life right now. It is dominated by uncontrollable emotions and unkind actions and feelings from my husband that I truly do not deserve. I have always been a faithful wife but certainly could have been a more caring and affectionate one. He refuses to relent and give me any credit for changes I have successfully made during our four month seperation. I can only hope that these changes will beenefit me in other relarionships in my life. I am a better mother, sister, daughter and friend and I guess I should thank him for brining to my attention some of my flaws that I have worked on and corrected. (Maybe another day) I pray that I continue on my personal quest for peace and happiness in my life, no matter where it come from. I appreciate everyone's comments and messages of concern. It is nice to have people care. Thank you all very much!

I read your story and you say that you are separated and are seeing a shrink.  That is good.  I have only been separated from my husband for 2 months after 35yrs of marriage.  Last month I contemplate taking my own life, could find nothing to live for ,I thought of myself as discarded trash no job, disabled, no husband, no house living in my sisters basement.  I called my shrink and LOL because I wasn't seeing the Dr but a social worker I could not talk with anyone.  Went on line and found a suicide prevention web page.  Those were two very long days in my life.  I was feeling so rejected by life and the people I thought loved me.  I also lost my 8 day old grand baby and my  youngest son plus my oldest son had been injured in an auto accident and lost his job.  What I am saying is sometimes life SUCKS BIGTIME, it does not seem fair and the people who we loved and thought they loved us are not there for us and betrayed us

 I turned more to friends that cared.  I went every week instead of every 2 weeks to the shrink.  I started writing  down my feelings , my fears, my anger, my needs, my wishes. I forced myself to get out of the house, to take myself to lunch, shopping. to the library just get involved.  I Became proactive in my recovery instead of passive and it helped.  Now when I have a fleeting thought that life is not worth living I try to think of what triggered that feeling and what can I do, call, write watch silly TV.We all  have worth and God has a plan for us.  Hang in there and let us know you are ok.  Take care of yourself.    .

Hi.
Im sorry it has gotten this bad for you.  I too have had those thoughts twice since my seperation.  This does hurt soo bad.  Nothing I could have ever imagined before.  But as the other writer said, I hold on for my son adn b/c others have told me one day I will feel better and I hold on to that.  For me I'll see something small my son has done or said or created and I think how could I leave him.  At 27 I was parentless (4 motherless) and I refuse to do that to him.  I have been able to reach out to friends when I get to that point.  I have contemplated calling a crisis team one nite when I felt like I could hurt my STBX.  I use scriptures, journaling, and therapy also to help me.  But I know it is hard and these are just some suggestions you've proably already heard.  Yes it  is so hard still loving them, our husbands.  Today I was finally able to write a letter appropraite enough to send to him.  As much as I love him I realized that the very reason I married him for is no longer present, so I guess it is over.  I havent read your story, but does he stilllove you and show that or is the fact that he's not loving you and showing that part of your hurt.  I too acknowledged in my letter feeling alone, as I said my parents are dead and I had put a lot of trust in him being a uncondtional support that was timeless.  Keep going and reach out for help if you start thinking more rapidly or with a plan about sucidie.  Write back and let me know how you are

Hi.
Im sorry it has gotten this bad for you.  I too have had those thoughts twice since my seperation.  This does hurt soo bad.  Nothing I could have ever imagined before.  But as the other writer said, I hold on for my son adn b/c others have told me one day I will feel better and I hold on to that.  For me I'll see something small my son has done or said or created and I think how could I leave him.  At 27 I was parentless (4 motherless) and I refuse to do that to him.  I have been able to reach out to friends when I get to that point.  I have contemplated calling a crisis team one nite when I felt like I could hurt my STBX.  I use scriptures, journaling, and therapy also to help me.  But I know it is hard and these are just some suggestions you've proably already heard.  Yes it  is so hard still loving them, our husbands.  Today I was finally able to write a letter appropraite enough to send to him.  As much as I love him I realized that the very reason I married him for is no longer present, so I guess it is over.  I havent read your story, but does he stilllove you and show that or is the fact that he's not loving you and showing that part of your hurt.  I too acknowledged in my letter feeling alone, as I said my parents are dead and I had put a lot of trust in him being a uncondtional support that was timeless.  Keep going and reach out for help if you start thinking more rapidly or with a plan about sucidie.  Write back and let me know how you are

Not sure what's going on with you.  I too have contemplated suicide.  But then I think of my kids, my parents and other family and I know I love them all too much.