Little kids involved

He pissed in your coffee maker?  How does hie discipline the kids?  I'm not sure I would want him anywhere near small children.

I have 5 kids under 11, and I understand your dilemma.  I originally stayed because of the kids, until I realized I ws doing more damage to them with all of the fighting.  I asked myself, would I want my children to be in a relationship like this?  Then why am I rolemodeling it?  I left 4 months ago, the divorce is just about final (after 14 months of hell) and my children are adjusting well.  My oldest daughter has actually thanked me.  My son is the only one having a rough time, but we are getting him into counseling and working as a team to help it get through this.

It doesn't get any better if you stay.  Just know that if you do want to leave, it's 100% what you want.  The process is a nightmare, and it is hard leaving your kids when they're with dad. 

You have a lot of sole searching to do.  I suggest counseling for you to help you make these choices.  good luck!

12 years ago I found out about the depth of my stbx's sex addiction. Needless to say I was thrown for a loop.  My kids were 8 & 4 at the time.  We were military & I called & asked my mom if we could come home. She said no. She told me that I married him for better or for worse & in sickness or in health. He was my husband & I was to stand by him & work things out. For the most part, that is how her generation was raised. Therefore, it is how I was raised. When you have no money & you can't go home, you work it out. We tried counseling, we went to support groups. It seemed to get better.

Fast forward to today. I stood by his side. We moved to TX. Things seemed better. Then he developed alot of internet issues. I became the workaholic to avoid rejection, therefore neglecting my stbx creating this perpetual cycle. We would go through peaks & valleys. I NEVER stopped loving him. He felt I had. I was just reacting to his addiction & coping the best way I knew how. Someone at work flirted with him over the phone & they started an emotional affair.  It became physical 2 months later & now here we are a year later, he moved out & she is moving here so they can live happily ever after.

I have good days & I have bad days. When I think of all the times that I probably should have left him I look at where I am today, right now. We are all where we are at this given moment for a reason. The people I've met along the way, the stuff that's happened that has helped shape me, it's all meant to be. I guess what I'm trying to say is God has a plan. It isn't always OUR plan. I'm definite proof of that. There is no right answer.

I think communication is HUGE. He was telling me he loved me but didn't show me. I was showing him how much I loved him & I wasn't telling him.  My best advice is to seek counseling & have a professional help you sort things out.  As you get stronger you will learn to make healthy decisions for you & your kids.  It all works out the way it's meant to.

There are many circumstances involved.  Is he providing well for the family?  Can he reduce his work time to be with his family more?  Are you sure that he is working or is there another love intrest?  ..................Kids need love, security and proper excitement to prosper.  Are they getting that?  What are the long range goals of your husbands work?  Remember that a divorce is much worse than what you have right now.  Counselling is what is needed to reconnect your husband to your family.  Is he aware of what his activities are doing to his family?  Divorce is always the last resort and it surprises me how so many jump to divorce as the first solution.  Look at your living conditions and try to understand how your husband is feeling at this time too.  You will come to a grand conclusion with your kids in mind and the benefit of the family.  Donot rush to a conclusion, take your time and ponder the pros and nays, and perhaps you can talk to an older person that you can trust.....................................Kev

You have received excellent advice already.  I stayed for approximately 15 years only to watch a semblance of marriage deteriorate to obvious infidelity. 

To this day it kills me to be away from my son 50% of the time.  It took years to swallow not providing the kind of family that I had idealized for my son.

You learn that children today are familiar with divorce, in fact many of your childrens friends are from divorced families.  I won't moralize on the merits of readily available divorces, but the truth is that children don't live in the world that we are familiar with (and vice-versa).

It takes a long time, but there is light and life and contentment. 

I wish you all the best always.

this is a hard decision for you to make. i know for me i did it because i too was very unhappy in my marriage.my kids were very small too, but i can tell you today 7 years later t hat my kids are wonderful, normal children..  they have had a good life and continue to  grow and be happy healthy children.. i do keep god in their lives and i think that it helps alot.be strong for your kids.
you will do the right thing. ****HUGS****


cherbear

What you do is stay strong for the kids.  They need emotional stability and it sounds like he doesn't have that or will not give it.  You made a monumental decision, sounds like you made the right one based just on his actions you describe in this blog.  So when he pushes the buttons that used to alter your mood, step back, take a breath and tell yourself it's not for long.  I don't look forward to some other guy trying to be a father to my girls, but I know that I will always be their dad.  Your kids will be the same, just know that it is a process and they are just as confused about the future as you are.  Be there, hug them lots and answer any questions honestly and openly, they will appreciate that.  It doesn't matter what age, be honest.  Be well.

You must have done a lot of soul searching before you filed.  I know for me, I was married for over 6 years and my kids are always first and foremost in my thoughts.  We didn't have a bad life, but a household without love.  Their father and I never touched, hugged, kissed (well obviously at one point as the kids were born), but not on a daily basis.  They did not have a strong attachment to their father. 

Kids learn about love from their household and their parents.  I think what helped me with my decision was the non-existent realtionship between myself and my ex, as well as the relationship with the kids and my ex.

I will tell you however, that he now does want to be in their lives.  Which is a great thing, but you can rip my heart out and step on it when he drives away with them for a weekend and they are crying and pounding on the windows. 

If you choose to go through with this, and your stbx wants a relationship with the kids you will have to get used to the idea of them being away from you and the possibility of another woman being around them.  What I do know is that no matter how much I dislike him, he won't hurt the kids, beat them, etc.  At worst they miss me a bit and I miss them.  On the upside think of the kids and the relationship they will be forging with their father on their own.

Hang in there and do what you feel is right in your heart.