Need to get away from husband, I'm really scared!

Don't play games, Don't record him, it doesn't matter anyway!  JUST LEAVE, You can stay with me until you figure things out, in the BEST interest of yourself and your children LEAVE!!!  Staying will teach them lessons that will put them in the same situation as adults.  They need to know that noone has the right to speak to anyone like that, and that they should not tolerate that type of behavior from ANYONE!  My EX verbally and mentally abused me for 10 years and to the point that I really felt I was worth nothing.  When I finally built up the stregnth to leave, I got an injunction!  I was "safe" from his calls and text messages for 1 month, then I went to court and the judge told me to get a "thicker skin" and reminded me of the "sticks and stones" philosophy.  Apparently, unless you are black and blue, you are not abused in the eyes of the courts.

Yes, do be careful. You can conceal the recorder any number of ways these days that are impossible to detect. Fact many of them can be purchased already in camouflage.

regarding what BEHaws said......... OH and by the way - bite me colorado I just ...............again..


but seriously , and this IS very SERIOUS..I was disabled by my husband WHILE recording him verbally abusing me...so if you do that ....be very sure he does not detect.it ...you may be safer recording him over the phone and then hiding the recording with someone safe.I dont know about you but there is no place in the house me abuser does not consider his space to search...........

having said that ..Behaws is trying to help .and is because evidence does help.
peace yall

Ladies, and any men who may be in this situation, there is a simple way to get ample proof of verbal and mental abuse. Record it. Today's technology provides for very small recording devices. Go out and get one, keep it in your pocket, and hit the record button anytime he or she is being abusive. You can then provide something substantial to the police or any protective service to which you may go for assistance.

jerzy - I can not keep a log at home because me very controling abusive husband will find it and read it and abuse me about it..I know because he has in the past-

I keeep a log of incidents here in my incidents sections on my home page......................

works for me......................

peace and strength to you..
just that you are here shows your strength

I agree, document EVERYTHING....my ex was the same way. When I left and didn't return at his demand, he threatened to file kidnapping charges against me if I didn't let him come and take our two daughters. He said he didn't give a f***if I came back, he just wanted the kids back...right. It was all a ploy to get me alone with him again so he could continue to control me-he knew I wouldn't let him take the kids without me tagging along-and if I had, things would have been worse and more violent than they had been before I left...if/when you leave, do not contact him and ignore any and all contact FROM him..he'll be sugary gooey sweet, and he'll make you think he's changed and that he loves you, but the truth is that abusers don't know how to love-they only know how to control and lie, and destroy. Don't fall for it-don't even engage in dialogue with him after you leave. You'll be safer and will heal faster and more effectively.

I kept a journal of some of the incidents, of the violence and the manipulation and the name-calling, and have begun posting some of those blogs here. Your case in court will be a lot  easier to prove if you have documentation...but, Lord, do not let him find it.

jerzey, the women commenting on here were once where you are now-we were ALL victims of all types domestic violence, and we all thought our situation was hopeless and destitute, we've all heard the name-calling and experienced the destruction of our lives as we knew it: our independence, our family/friends, our sense of self-worth, our finances...one piece at a time. But look at us now-each of us at a different point in the healing process-but we all SURVIVED. you CAN do this, and you DO deserve better!

I was also in an abusive marriage and it did turn physically violent very quickly. It is not a relationship you want to be in  no matter how much you love your husband, you need to love yourself more. You really do need to get things together to leave as soon as possible. Def call a domestic violence hotline/shelter...they will/can help you. I just started going to a support group once a week at one and it helps me so much. You can start going to that as soon as you find one. The women will help give you strength and support.

Also, if you cant leave right away you need to keep a journal of EVERY mean and abusive thing he says and does. Write down all fights and what they are about. You will need this to prove to the courts/police etc that he has a history of abuse so it will be unlikely he would get your son. Or if anything this will help prove your case. If he ever physically hurts you or threatens to physically hurt you or scares you then call the police. Dont hesitate. That is what they are there for and if he isnt arrested or anything they still have record of the police being called and this furthur proves your case. But please keep your plans secret from your husband. Please do everything in your power to get away. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do but YOU are worth it and it will be the BEST thing you will ever do for yourself.

and listen to all the other advice here. The local d.v. shelter where I live has a device where they will record voicemails from your husband that are abusive to play in court to help you. They have resources and they are there for you.

I am currently in abusive marraige also.............
.my husband has been callin me a bad mother and wife all of our marraige, acuses me a cheating on him all the time!.he cashes his paychecks and mongers ALL the money and if thats not bad enough, he turns around and tells his family that I take money from him ! - no thruth to that........he has even forged my signature on tax docs and checks to steal money from me!.he has been threatening me for years.he asssaulted me a year ago , and Im now disabled.......perminantly !

there are DV hotlines....but dont let him know ...nothin pisses an abuses man off more than his woman getting help.........and if you have money .use it to get away and..talk to an atourney.....abuse is wrong.and it only gets worse.I will be disabled for the rest of my life..................because of him
.I got a lot of support coming here and learning
 ...that helped me get my plans together ...........................
I am putting a solid plan together to leave my husband......as soon as disability goes thru......and I am a very strong talented woman.and I will be fine , I have friends and they help for a shoulder to lean on...........and this place too..................


all the best thoughts from a sister in distress...........
peace

jerz, my husband would not leave the family home either, just escalated everything in hopes I would leave, so that he could file a police report saying I was abusive (if I defended myself) or I'd stolen our child (if he scared me enough to make me leave).

I stayed put. Only you know whether he will push it to actual physical violence. In retrospect I wish I had phoned 911 for the several extreme incidents of emotional violence. Until you have an exit lined up, know that you can and should call the police at any point that he seems out of control to you.

I always felt the mother and child should be the ones to stay safe in the home, that an abusive husband/father should naturally be made (or should have the decency or sense) to leave. But adults who behave this way have no sense or decency. They are petty tyrants who care at bottom only about themselves.

It's sort of contradictory advice but until you've outlined your safe exit with your son, I'd stay put for the moment, and put ALL YOUR THOUGHT to the exit strategy. Collect paperwork such as birth certificates, IDs, and financial information -- and a USB drive with all your computer files, if you keep a lot of your personal life on the computer. Pack a bag with the key things you need from your life: your special memory things such as photos of your son, family; heirloom jewelry, the things you would take from a burning house.

Think about what you'll need in a quick exit. In emergency, the bag you pack may turn out to be very small. Think practically but also with care for your emotional history and future, because once you leave a situation like this, there's not a lot of likelihood that you will ever want to go back. 

Most things can be replaced or left behind. And it is ok to leave with only your son and a few important things. The life awaiting you in safety can start out safe and small, and will grow as you are ready.

Prayers for you and your son, and hugs...

Jerzy,

Absolutely, you need to get out. I'd ask family to help you out here and take the kid with you. Do it when he is not around and at work so there is no further conflict. As for the finances, speak to an attorney reagrding that aspect.

Good luck.

Jerzi,

I am sorry that you are experiencing these unforgiveable acts.  You are not a bad person, bad mother.  I too went through this for 33 years.  It does NOT get better.  Just at times tollerable.  You don't live, you exist and that is about it.  Your decisions, thoughts and actions are no longer free, they are controlled by him. 
You must gather some of the important things together.  Like birth certificates, marriage licenses, tax papers, mortgage papers, charge cards, social security papers, retirement, work papers or anything that you would need in the future.  Also, I took pictures of the conditions in which I was forced to live.  Take notice of his "toys", his belongings, anything of his that would be of value and you could use as a bargaining tool.  But don't do this if it means you have to stay to get it and take the physical abuse. 
Call the women's abuse center or the police.  You would be able to get temporary shelter.  If you need work or learn new skills, they will direct you.  You child does NOT need to be   exposed to his actions. 
I wish you the best.  I grew a spine finally and I am walking upright, straight and in line.  Yes, it is scary but you have strength in you.  You have friends at 360 and your family will back you too. 
My best to you and you are in my prayers.
HELPLESSNOMORE

Yes, you need to get out. Marybecca is right. I was married to a push and shover. He would come in drunk every night and start throwing things across the room. It escalated til one night he ripped the phone out of the wall and put a knife to my throat. I was holding our daughter at the time. The next morning I was gone as soon as he left for work. I never went back. My family helped me that time.

Your safety and the safety of your son comes first before anything else.

and I agree that you should be able to stay in your home, but exactly how are you going to be able to force him to leave and STAY gone (legally, it's his home too)....unless an altercation gets out of control one day and the police step in and force one or the other of you to leave? Do you really want to wait for that to happen?


Spaz, I think we need you here....:o)

I think you need to call a trusted friend or family member and ask them to help you out; swallow your pride, call someone and explain the situation and ask for their help. You have a child caught up in the situation, it's getting desperate, and it's only going to get worse, believe me.

Call someone you trust, wait till he leaves for a few hours, pack only what you and your son NEED and get OUT. This is abuse; you shouldn't wait until it gets physical to get out. Or you could call an abuse hotline and get their advice-they will probably advise you to take your son and go to a domestic violence shelter.
 
If he gets violent, call 911 immediately and file a restraining order as soon as possible to protect your son and yourself.

I went through the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse and manipulation for almost 2 years,  it got worse and worse, with threats and escalating behavior, until one night, it crossed the line into physical abuse, with my 1 month old daughter in the midst of it. 5 days later, I left. I wish I hadn't waited that long.

If nothing gets done about it and he keeps getting away with it, he's only going to keep pressing the threshold, and getting more and more violent. He has to be stopped, and the only safe way right now is to get away. It's his responsibilty to not be abusive, and to get the help he needs, but if he chooses not to, then it's your job (and only yours) to make sure you and your child are safe.

Best of luck and stay safe. (((hugs and prayers))))

I know I need to get out, but I have no money and nowhere to go. Why can't he just leave? Shouldn't it be that the mother and child get to stay in the home and he must leave? I don't know what else to do...

you need to get out.  call an abuse helpline.  do you have family/friends who will take you in?

What is abuse?

One out of every four American women will experience violence by an intimate partner sometime during her lifetime, according to a 1999 study by the National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control. Of those victimized by an intimate partner, 85 percent are women and 15 percent are men.

That means that women are five to eight times more likely than men to be victimized, according the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics Factbook. And only about 1 in five of domestic violence victims who are injured in an attack will get medical help.

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The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines abuse as:

• Calling bad names or putting someone down
• Shouting and cursing
• Hitting, slapping and/or pushing
• Making threats of any kind
• Jealousy and suspicion
• Keeping someone away from family and friends - isolation
• Throwing things around the house

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To recognize whether your partner is abusing you, ask whether your partner:

• Embarrasses you with put-downs?
• Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you?
• Controls what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
• Stops you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Takes your money, makes you ask for money or refuses to give you money?
• Makes all of the decisions?
• Tells you that you’re a bad parent or threatens to take away or hurt your children?
• Prevents you from working or attending school?
• Acts like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even denies doing it?
• Destroys your property or threatens to kill your pets?
• Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Shoves you, slaps you, chokes you or hits you?
• If you have contacted law enforcement, forces you to try and drop charges?
• Threatens to commit suicide?
• Threatens to kill you?

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