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I'm lost and need to find what I want this week

Hi everyone, I've dedicated this week to some solitary soul-searching, I could use some tips, links to articles, or advice. How have you helped yourself to achieve clarity about what you want?


My Emergency Issue: 

My head has not been in the game to try and work at saving our marriage, so I felt I needed to eliminate many other distractions (close friends, family, work, etc) that may be clouding my judgement so I can hopefully get in touch with how I really feel. Especially since there are kids involved. This week is dedicated to see if I can get my head back into the game.  


I just want clarity, I want to know what I want, and for some reason that is so hard for me to achieve. I think if I get that, what I want to do with my marriage will become more clear too.


Background:

We've been married over 10 years, have 3 kids and have been going to marriage counseling for about 3 months (we both suggested it to each other). I'm quickly learning that the counseling will go on forever unless both of us are committed to fixing things. And I haven't been so far. I'd best characterize our situation by saying that it's hard to find any magic or spark between us now. Over the past 5 years we've been focused on everything but our relationship, we both have changed over time, and now our respective hobbies and fun activities don't overlap much anymore, I find it easier to manage the kids alone than with her help. 


we have communication problems, but I believe it stems from a level of respect that just isn't there anymore between us. I think things are OK/mediocre. She's happy to work on the mechanics of communication to improve our marriage, but I think it is pointless if there isn't something "great" to look forward to (by the way, anyone who knows us would probably be totally shocked, i guess we put up a good facade)  I'm having a hard time visualizing our relationship becoming "great"


In reading some of these other posts, I feel that the fact I'm even admitting that my head isn't in it means that in my heart I really am done with the marriage. That's scary. It's all scary. I worry my loving image of her has been poisoned through some of the tough discussions we've had recently and it is hard to visualize how that will clear up if i try to get my head back in the game. And maybe I'm overthinking it all and i should just keep on keepin on.


Thanks for any thoughts.
by BryBry   4 Posts
Posted on 4/7/2009 3:58 PM
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Comments for "divorce360.com | I'm lost and need to find what I want this week"  (3) (You must be logged in to answer)
BryBry - I have to comment because when I was reading your post, it was very eerie how similar you sound to myself. It very easily could have been something I wrote. I, too, am struggling with the same things, and I was wondering how things are going with you since April, when you wrote this. It's nice to find a post where you don't feel so alone in your thoughts and feelings and realize that there are others out there who are going through the same thing.  Maybe one of these days I'll post my own emergency, but in the meantime, I'd love to hear an update of your story.
by tysarmom   3 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2009 1:47 PM
1



Bry - the way I handled this was to start a journal and spent some time just doing a pros and cons of my relationship at that time.  After that, do a brainstorming session, just describing your ideal life (what it would look like, what words would you use to describe it, what it would feel like) and then in as much detail as you can, describe a perfect day in your perfect life.   

After doing this go back and highlight those areas where, with some work (either a lot or a little) you could actually imagine you and your wife fitting that picture.   

That should give you a place to start to begin getting to the heart of what you want right now.    Forget about a Divorce and Child Custody and co-parenting.  Forget about those things and concentrate on collecting the pros and cons of life now and the "picture" of your dream life. 

This exercise should get you seriously thinking about how close or far you are from achieving what it is you want.

Hope that helps.
by timless   781 Posts
Posted on 4/7/2009 4:46 PM
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Bry - 3 months of counseling isn't much in the grand scheme of things - you first have to try to try...it's hard to get your head wrapped around that - but you have to start doing the things that before made things good, even at first if it seems like a chore - talking is all well and fine- but you also have to DO.

 

Losing focus on what is important doesn't have to mean the end of a life together - you just have to shift your focus. Magic/spark - it doesn't just happen - you have to create it. Find things to do together both as a couple and a family...stop focusing on the bad points and look at enhancing the good things.

When it comes to marital counseling, you have to get through the crap and swamp waters before you hit sandy beach & sunny skies - you have to have these hard conversations, because you have to learn to talk to each other - you wouldn't be having these tough discussion if you knew how to communicate effectively- this is new territory - it takes time for it to become a natural thing.

After 10 years married, and 5 of them being not so hot - you need to give counseling a good year at the least - on top of doing things on your own on your own time to try to find the happy balance again.

by spaznskitz   7745 Posts
Posted on 4/7/2009 4:20 PM
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