Caught Again

Where are you during all this?    Do you matter at all?    If you forgive him, what does that mean, more of the same?    You must make a decision sometime and it should stand for something other than words.    If you take him back, he must earn your trust in even small things.    If he is to proud to call you every hour, then dump him.    Nothing is more valued than trust.     In life we ask for the impossible and settle for the best possible.    You are not even getting close to that.

I feel your pain and torture.  My sex addicted husband had every excuse for every thing I ever found.  I really, in my heart, never bought the stories.  But finally when I saw a seedy motel name on his GPS that was entered on his way to the airport go go BURY HIS FATHER, I had had ENOUGH and am leaving.  I'm hanging up my detective badge, packing my son's things and mine, and heading east where I have family and friends.  I'm 36.  I'm not going to be 56 and turn around and ask myself, "Hey-what happened to my life, and for that matter, what happened to ME??"  These liars and cheaters suck the life out of your soul.  You are his wife-not gatekeeper, police officer, maid, or a fool.  You know what's going on.  He knows that you know.  I say get ready to go or have him go, before you waste any more of your life on a letch.

Why would he stop? You've forgiven him seven times. You'll forgive again. He sees no reason to change.

Get things ready for the divorce. Once you have everything in order it will be easier to leave.

It sounds like your husband is a habitual cheater.  I have been in a relationship where I was cheated on.  My ex lied, said they were just friends, hid emails, text messages etc from me.   He denied he was cheating.    Right after I moved out....his 'friend' moved in.  

I hope that you can find the strength to get out of the situation.    You will be happier once you are out of it and can start to heal.

OH NO!!! i heard that in the past and he would say the same thing to me... once he actuallty said its his friend and he would not stop talking to her... its best u leave this realationship before u go crazy.. its soo awful i went thru the same ans jus feel ur going down.. but you need to get out, he knows ur going to forgive him.., he has got u wrapped around his finger and knows how to talk to u..

Let's look at the keywords in your statement, okay?

"7th time I caught him talking to her" - You have a problem in your marriage.  Serious problem.

"He said he did not see anything wrong with it" - Again, serious issue.

"I've told him 1000 times to not talk to her" - How old is your husband? 5?

"This will be the fourth time that he has received a phone just for her" - I see a bad pattern here...do you?

"He swears...he will give back blackberry" - Ummm...no comment.

You both need to get into therapy.  He sees the grass as greener on the other side, and you both have serious communication issues.  He has a need that's not being fulfilled, and so do you.  Get into therapy, get it resolved, or tell him to move out while you take time for yourself.  Sounds like you have a co-dependent issue with him, since its obvious he's cheating ( Yes...CHEATING...emotional cheating, lying, etc. is the same is if he slipped and put his penis in her).

Get real, get help, or get out. PR: wait... I: wait... L: wait... LD: wait... I: wait...wait... Rank: wait... Traffic: wait... Price: wait... CY: wait... I: wait... L: wait... YCat: wait... I: wait... Top: wait... I: wait... L: wait... C: wait...

He obviously does not have remorse over cheating.  It doesn't matter if it has gotten physical he is emotionally attached.  My husband cheated and when I confronted him he cut off all ties with the woman.

I'd like to humbly disagree with ConcernedHusband...if it's something to hide, it's something we know is wrong.

Wondering, how many secret telephones and Blackberrys do you think her husband has received from his male friends? Probably not a single one, I'll bet (unless he's gay, and that's another story entirely).

Why do you think that is? They're "just friends" too, I'd think, and they don't see a need to communicate on the sly.

Don't waste your time.  Obviously you told him what you wanted and he is uncapable of giving you what you deserve.  Start putting your energy into getting ready for a change of life, one that doesn't involve him.  I know this sounds cold, but it doesn't sound like he gave you a lot of choices since he is still play his games, and they are his.

Don't waste your time.  Obviously you told him what you wanted and he is uncapable of giving you what you deserve.  Start putting your energy into getting ready for a change of life, one that doesn't involve him.  I know this sounds cold, but it doesn't sound like he gave you a lot of choices since he is still play his games, and they are his.

I have to respond with concerned on something. Yes men do have female friends noting wrong with that as long as the line is understood. You cross that line when the Friend (you say) buys you a black berrie and pays the bill. I other words would you feel the same way if your wife  male friend bought her a Black berrie and talk to him and texted him all the time. Would it still be ok if she had messed around with him and it was a lover of her when ya'll were married. Hmmmm I suggest you put yourself in others shoes before you take a stance like that. I say he has crossed the line of friendship and I would not except it either.

He's not honoring you or your wishes when you have clearly stated what you need to feel secure in your marriage.

I disagree with concernedhusband....this is cheating because he is investing in something outside of his marriage and it is obviously hurting the partner he promised not to.  Emotional infidelity is far worse than physical flings for women.

If he doesn't recognize his behavior is wrong, it is time for you to leave because in my experience, this type of cheater does not ever see the problem.

im sorry this happened to you...happened to me too.  but i couldnt get over it...so we are now divorcing...a side note-he slept with 2 prostitutes too....so yea...i couldnt get over it.  whoever wrote the first response is messed up...guys are not just friends with a woman who gives him a blackberry so they can just converse.  thats messed up.  you both need to go to counseling and find out why he decided he needed to do this.  do you want to fix it?

Is there something wrong with a male having friends? Just asking now. Especially if the male has no sexual preference for the lady except just as a good friend. ALL men that have female friends dont cheat with that or those women. Sure you told him not to talk to the other woman but why did you tell him that. Surely it seems as if you do not trust the man to begin with. Now if he is the type that has always sparked a conversation up with anyone then why tell him to change now, and if he has never been the type to speak then you should say something. But what if there is something that the friend is giving that the wife is not giving. Men are human beings as well and we need someone to listen to us and give a response that is (not)what we need to hear but what we want to hear. Im not trying to take up for him but I am asking is there something wrong with men having friends of the opposite sex that are just good friends. Now from reading what everyone is saying about leaving him because he lies, then that is not something to base divorce on and you could end up losing more than what you bargined for. Now I dont know your situation but from what you posted and I didnt see where you said/asked him was something wrong with the marriage and why he was doing it if you felt it was something that was ruining it. But im sorry from what im reading, technically hes not cheating...He just has a friend. But I do say you need to find out why in the hell he is even talking to her in the first place, how they met, why they met and everything else.

Oh baby, I have been there. Caught him on the phone and as soon as I would walk in the room, he would hang up. He was so totally the guy that would never  have an affair, it didn't even cross my mind. Then one night he was on the phone in the garage and I could hear a woman's voice and he hung up. I finally confronted him. They were just 'friends', blah blah. the next day I found more evidence.  I left. He called and told me to come home,  he loved me. I went back. He promised never to see  or talk to her again. 3 days later I was outside and all of a sudden knew I had to check his phone, so I went in and asked to  borrow his phone. He had a friend there, so he handed it over,  but when he saw that I was checking numbers, he almost broke his  neck to  get it back. They had never  stopped communicating. Get your ducks in a row and get out. He knows you know and yet has no intention of stopping.  Take care of yourself.

I know it is hard but just leave him.
If she got him the blackberry and is paying the bill there is probably more going on then what he letting on.
I have been in your shoes and when you finally have had enough you will know what to do.
I know it is a hard choice to make but in the end you deserve so much better then what you have right now.

put an end to your questions you have in your head that you know what the answer is...put a GPS tracking on his car..I had one and you will get all your answers you need...dont wait...It answered all my questions. Trust me if you think thats all hes doing is talking, you could soon find out what hes doing when he NOT TALKING-

hmm. a toughie. I truly don't think he's going to stop, Tricia. She bought him a Blackberry and pays the bill, and he just didn't think to tell you that? Yeah, I don't think so. The deeper you probe, the more secrets you're going to find. And the more you tell him to "Stop", the better he will hide it. That's my personal experience with cheating. that's what my ex-husband did. It's very painful.

I had to ask myself how much more I could take. I knew that he wasn't going to change or stop the lies and the cheating, so I had to ask myself: Can I accept this and be OK with it? No.

So I started making preparations. I'd say to try counseling, and maybe you should, to get to the root of his cheating problem, and maybe uncover any other problems within the marriage. It's the best suggestion I have so far.

If you do decide to leave, you have a network of support and friendship to help you through it and we're ready to help in any way we can. Best of luck.

ok bottom line here I believe he is playing you for stupid. The main question here is does a tiger change his strips. Or your husband is as dumb as a sack of rocks. The hard part  is deciding you have had enough  the second is the scariest is doing what need to be done. The best part is waking up not have to deal with the same old bull chit your dealing with now to me being alone was better than living with a liarer and a cheat.

Having investigated thousands of case of infidelity, statistically, once they cheat - they repeat.

Other risk factors adding to a cheaters decision to violate trust includes being raised by parents that cheated, the strength of your relationship, the basis or motivations to marry and more.

Assessing your situation clearly means understanding where they came from and why they cheat. The choice to leave depends upon how they change and if they do. And any positive transformation becomes obvious in a few days or weeks. Any desire or effort to be faithful becomes apparent but victims fall prey to the cunning cheat. 

A truly remorseful person will not shun accountable - they make themselves accountable. They want to work it out!

It's not the victim's responsibility to enforce faithfulness.

When boundaries continue to be violated, ignored or shunned, then the likelihood is a cheater has no desire to prove themselves. They habitually violate trust. Ending the relationship will depend on the character of the cheat. They will help you decide your options to stay or leave. Knowing what to do and how to react will make a difference.

Unfortunately, anyone hurt by adultery is forced to adapt in many ways. Minimizing the damage is key.

Bill Mitchell, 7-Day Detective

Tricia12 - leave him, you deserve better, it isn't worth the heartach.. he lies.. he can't be trusted.  Leave him and move on with your life.

i cheated on my wife, and had a secret email account as well.  She never knew until i told her about the affair.  I deleted that email and have changed my cell # so the OW cannot get a hold of me.  My wife warned me that if I ever did anything again, even talk to her, she will leave me.

I have no desire to ever talk to her again, and I am dedicated to saving my marriage.  It sounds liek your husband has no cares about going behind your back, which would make me think he doesnt care what you think.  In his mind, he thinks "she is still here after 3 times, so what will one more time hurt?"

Sadly, I think you need to walk away, or send him packing, but I know it is easier said than done.

Tricia .. i have to agree with all the comments already made. It would be in yoru best interest to leave. In my case my stbx just stayed long enough to payoff her accounts and skim enough money into her private account .. all of which i onoy found out later. I hope this is not the case with yoru relationship but be careful and look after yourself

Sorry you're going through this.  I don't think the question is what do you do now, but rather when are you going to do it.  Four times is three too many.  You deserve better.

Finding a blackberry that I knew nothing about was the last straw to my husband leaving our house.  He had only had it a couple of weeks, but that didn't matter to me.  He has said that had I not found it, he would still be at home and things would still be how they were before the day I found it....or so he thinks.  Instinct told me to look for something concrete and that's certainly what I found.   You have to reach your jumping off point and no one can tell you where it is.  All I can say is once there, you have to jump.  It's scary as hell to make the leap, but you can only give someone the power to step on you for so long.  Get off the ride!