Don't wait!!

Heart breaker, this reminds , me of a couple I spoke to ( wife feels they have to " keep up with the joneses" . When you first got together was she clear about the things she wanted?

Things now aren't any different. We are separated and meeting with a mediator in the next couple of weeks. We aren't fighting or anything like that. I get to spend whatever time I want with the kids, Thats never an issue with her. And she is good about letting me know when school events are happening so I can be a part of that also. She lost belief that we would ever get the material things that she wants out of life. She just never could tell me when things would bother her. Says she can't take the look of hurt on my face.

I've sent her clips of articles about working on a marriage and stuff like that. She says she knows shes the person that changed but she doesn't want to do anything about it. She doesn't love me anymore and that is all there is to it. Really is too bad because there wasn't any real hardship or troubles except for the fact that we expected different things out of life. She wanted more things but was unwilling to work full time for them. I think deep down inside she expected me to be able to provide them. Don't know for sure.

Hello Heartbrokepicker - I would say that its up to the person who unhappy to explain why they are and what you could do to help the situation.

If you don't know what they want how can you begin to work togther to addess the problems?

I am sorry the counselors you had were not helpfull ( as a marriage educator I hear this alot)

How are things now?

Unfortunately from a lot of reading I've done thru here and other sights, Thee seems to be no way to let another person know about or understand what it takes to make a relationship work. As many know here my wife fell out of love with me. One ofthe reasons was because she could never tell me (for whatever reason) that things were bothering her. So when thoings finally got the best of her, she had already signed out of the marriage but did the complimentary seeing a couselor bit to seem like she was trying to save the marriage. Unfortunately for us the councelors we had were not helpful to her and she wasn't very receptive of them either sothat makes it even tougher.

So how does someone get across to someone else that marriages are worth the work? How do you explin to someone these things to make them understand? Especially when they leave you because they have fallen out of love with you and the passion is gone as I hear in so many blogs inthe pages

Hello Habit - I hear how bad you are hurting. You have a number of questions in there so I will answer what I can:

1) A seminar,book,film - what ever is just a tool that someone can use IF they want to. If they don't put consistent effort into change their heart in mind its useless.

2) People CAN change but THEY have to want to.

**** some questions for you

1)Does she know about your affair?
2) How do you think she will react to it?

How much should I I have to give and beg and plead for my wife to see how bad our marriage is that I need affection, intamacy,respect,and most of all open communication with her? I understand we both have different needs and all I am saying is please please meet me in the middle.  Now she wants to go to this church marriage seminar because her friends are going. I asked her YEARS ago to go to counselling and begged her for time to r time for just us. Now because its the "cool" thing to do in the church she wants to go to this seminar. It almost feels like she wants this as a social activity. Sadly I know how this seminar will turn out. She will take from it what she wants to hear and pick apart my flaws without admitting her own and somehow turn it against me.I still love her and will always love her but I am worn down from begging to be loved back.I bet everyone will judge me for this but after 18 years of begging I am now in a relationship with another woman who I love very much who thinks the exact same way as I do and always been there for me even after I became legally blind. I guess my question is this. If d does not even recognize we have problems in the marriage and refuses to take responsibility in her mistakes will the seminar even help?Is there some kind of miraculous change that will come from her hearing the same message I have been giving her being delivered from someone else?Over the past 23 years she has a habit of starting things or reading self help books and losing interest after a month or so.Some examples are reading the Wealthy Barber and the Secret. Sheread the books but didnt put any effort on following the advice because that requires effort and changing her way of thinking.What am I hoping to get out of this? I want to have a clear conconciance that I have tried everything to save the marriage.Is there any way this seminar will completely change her or is it a waste of my time?

Excellent post Cjking. One of the things I tell my couples on the first day is that repairing the damage or just the rust that builds up in the hearts takes:

1) Time
2) Effort
3) Both people!

And you are right on when you use the word " priority" you and your relationship MUST be the priority in their lives and vice versa

I hear you Steve.  Like I said...you can't have two mules at the front of a cart pulling it when only one wants to work while the other wants to lye down!  It's a team effort.  I realized my marriage was over when he had his 2nd affair and refused to get help.  I realized that I should be my partners 'priority' and not his 'option'. Even if infidelity is not the case of your break up....getting help soon is key.  The problems are not just going to go away on there own and we can't 'fix' people.

Mine wasn't home long enough to get counseling. And he wouldn't go anyway. He had a chance before we got to deep in the divorce but he was too busy chasing his gf/wife; whatever she was. I'm much better off without him than I was with him.

But you are right. Once it gets that far it is hard to get your marriage back. It takes a level of comittment that is hard for some to do.

Um yeah - If you are going in with the idea " I am 100% right, I am awesome, its them" then you are approaching it the wrong way

Too true...in my case, my stbx waited until she got to the point of no return for her and then told me she wasn't sure...but the truth is that she didn't love me and wasn't really interested in working things out.  So when we went to get help, even though *I* still loved her and wanted to work things out, she didn't...so at that point, there was no saving the marriage.  I just wished she hadn't wasted my time trying to save something she KNEW in her heart that couldn't be saved.

And it breaks my heart that she didn't come to me and talk to me when she first realized we were having problems...4 years ago...or so she told me. Ugh.  Perhaps if she had, maybe we could have worked through our problems.  Good advice Steve!

steve, you are so right. i know for me when i started mariage counseling my ex husband walked in and said to the therapist  " fix her" she has too many problems. it was too late by then .

cherbear