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I want out, but...how do you have this conversation?

Okay, I have decided to sit down with my husband and have this talk, telling him that I want a separation. How do I do this? What do I say? He knows that I am unhappy, but thinks that it is depression and the hassles at my job. I started to take an antidepressant in January and it has made me feel better, more even. Now that I am out of the fog that I felt trapped in, I want to make some changes in my life. Number one is living on my own. He is not a terrible person, but he is a lazy person. I do everything, making sure the bills get paid, shopping, laundry, keeping the place clean. You name it. I thought that he would step up to the plate more, but he has not. All this would not be so darn annoying,but...I do not even feel like it is appreciated. We have no children and rent an apartment, so in some ways our split would be simpler than many. I feel sort of guilty about this and at the same time feel taken advantage of. The truth is that I met someone else, who I guess I will call The Other Guy. We are not physically involved, but in a way what we do is worse. We work together, eat meals together and have long wonderful talks about anything and everything. The Other Guy told me that he cannot get involved with a married woman(he is divorced) and I am glad that one of us is being sensible. Any possibilities with him are on hold until I get out of this mess.
A friend suggested that I make arrangements to spend the night at a female friend's house. Then, sit him down and have the talk and let him know that I will be back the next morning to talk some more. Give him some time to explode, get drunk, slam doors, whatever it is he is going to do. Does that sound like a good idea? It is the best suggestion I have gotten so far. A female friend said I should pick a fight with him and then say,"That's it, I want a divorce." I do not like that option. Seems kind of sneaky. Any thoughts?

by meteor 488 Posts
Posted on 7/10/2008 8:08 PM

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Comments for "divorce360.com | I want out, but...how do you have this conversation?" (2) (You must be logged in to answer)

Thank you for the dose of reality. I had to laugh at the idea of getting him a dog. I don't think that he could handle the responsibility! You are right about the financial records(which, of course, I handle most of the time). I can make copies of everything, put it in a folder and store it in my locker at work. At least my co-workers are supportive. They do not know exactly what is going on, but they know that there are problems at home. He drove me to work a couple of times, we argued in the car, and I walked in the door fighting back tears. This is ridiculous.
We have been married for three years, living together for four. He has had it pretty darn good these last four years, but this has to end. I am thinking of giving him a choice-move out or I will move out. I have a feeling he will go back to live with his family(in another state) and I guess they can deal with him for a while. There is no way that I can see him paying for this apartment on his own. If he insists, my landlord told me that he has other buildings(I told him that "a friend" might need to move soon and asked if he had any available places) and I could just move out myself. I am angry with myself for taking so long to wake up. When I tried to talk with him about a couple of things he was doing that upset me, his response was,"You knew I was like this when you married me." As if that settles everything. Sigh. Wish me luck.

by meteor 488 Posts
Posted on 7/12/2008 11:36 PM

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First of all, before you do anything, make sure you have copies of all financial papers. You may think this won't be nasty because there are no children and you don't own a house, but if you tell him you want a divorce and he finds out you have met someone else, once he talks to an atty or even another guy who has been through a divorce it could very well get nasty. This is not being sneaky, it is being smart. It is better to have all info and not need it, than to need it and not have it. Once you have all information relevant to a divorce settlement the only thing you can do is be honest. Just rip off the band-aid. I would suggest you have everything ready to go, all your stuff packed and a place to go. If he is aware you are unhappy to the point of taking antidepressants since Jan. he is probably not going to make any significant changes. He will say that he is going to, but the proof is in the puddin'. He should have done so before you had to alter the chemical makeup of your brain. Why do we do this to ourselves? We hook up with these guys who totally take us for granted, who even after we tell them we are unhappy and why they continue as if it doesn't affect them, and then WE feel guilty for leaving. Come on ladies, we have to stop this self mutilation. You are not happy, you told him this, he knew what needed to be done to help, he chose not to, now you want to leave and find something that makes you happy, what in God's name should you feel guilty about? Make your copies, pack your shit and tell him from now on he clean up his own mess and find someone else to take for granted. If it makes you feel better, buy him a dog.

by mamasgirl 22 Posts
Posted on 7/12/2008 1:36 AM

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I want out, but...how do you have this conversation?

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I want out, but...how do you have this conversation?

help you budget and plan

definitions from "alimony" to "writ of execution"

divorce, custody and child support links by state

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