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Which is worse? Being left for someone more or less attractive than you?

My STBX left me for his high school girlfriend from 15+ years ago. Now beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm not sure if the woman my STBX left me for is prettier than me or not because we actually have a lot of the same features...except she is MUCH skinnier/smaller than me. I'm just not small and petite. I'm more of a Marilyn Monroe body type. Nothing wrong with that. I did weight over 200 lbs when he left because I was still dealing with the baby fat of the pregnancy. Now that I've lost 50 lbs I'm back to the way I looked through most of our relationship. I guess I'm date ready now. :)

I'm also much smarter (I have a masters degree from Johns Hopkins), nicer and clearly have strong morals and high values. I certainly am much more dedicated to my husband/marriage vows than she. She cheated on her husband of 13 years with my husband. I have more self esteem and don't need a man to survive in this world. She didn't leave her husband until she got mine to commit to her. So I've got a lot going for me.

I've read a lot of other posts and questions about how STBX left you for a less attractive person and how you can't understand that and how that hurts. So it makes me wonder. Is it better or worse to be left for a more attractive person. Whether or not she is prettier than me, my STBX makes me feel that she is a much "better person" than me. That is what makes me feel horrible. That he would think that of me. I think that if he left me for an ugly, fat, stupid, mean woman than I could clearly see that he has serious mental issues. Leaving me for an average woman who has her own issues and insecurities makes it harder for me to find my own self worth.

What do you think?

by BecksMom 232 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 11:05 AM

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Cast your vote

It's worse for him/her to leave for a more attractive person.
It's worse for him/her to leave for a less attractive person
It doesn't matter - It just really hurts and I would feel horrible no matter what.
It doesn't matter - It has nothing to do with who I am as a person. It's about him/her.
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Comments for "divorce360.com | Which is worse? Being left for someone more or less attractive than you?" (17) (You must be logged in to answer)

"...he will use her to get over you, someday she'll dump him and then he will be feeling 2X as lousy as you are now, because he will have to grieve for both relationships at the same time."

jay322, you're the man!

Right, absolutely.

by Natalie 729 Posts
Posted on 10/27/2009 12:26 PM

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The more I think about it, I have to say: stop comparing yourself to other people! It'll mess with you for the rest of your life.

by Natalie 729 Posts
Posted on 10/27/2009 12:23 PM

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I think you're waaaaay too focused on appearances for it to be healthy. I didn't even think about that, to be honest, when I found out about the affair.

Don't dwell on it, physical appearances, for the most part, are beyond our reasonable control and I wouldn't torture myself about it either way.

by Natalie 729 Posts
Posted on 10/27/2009 12:21 PM

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I'm going thruough some of the same feelings. The man she left for is younger, thinner and makes probably 3-4X what I do (although, the wife and two kids he left for her are working on evening that score :-) ) I stuggle with the anger and the jealousy everyday. Just when I think I'm good with it, it comes back even with a vengence. I guess that's what the therapist is for.

They tell me it gets better, and that it has nothing to do with me (or you) cheaters apparently cheat for the thrill of doing something wrong and getting away with it, like a juvilnile delinquent who robs houses for the adreniline rush.............he will use her to get over you, someday she'll dump him and then he will be feeling 2X as lousy as you are now, because he will have to grieve for both relationships at the same time.

Remember, the best revenge is living well.

by jay322 103 Posts
Posted on 9/1/2009 5:36 AM

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It's cold comfort knowing that the OM is a bum and that the only way those two parasites are getting by is on the support money she's getting from me. Otherwise, the two of them wouldn't be able to get their heads together enough to figure out how to survive.

by SpitTheDummy 124 Posts
Posted on 7/23/2009 9:11 PM

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I certainly hope you are feeling better at this point. All I can say is don't ever let someone like that make you feel bad or question why he left. It wasn't about you. It was all about him. I don't want to judge. But personally I feel when you make a commitment to a relationship, if there are issues, then you work them out. And not with an outside party. That's the easy and selfish way out. We all know marriage is hard. I'm sure there were days when you thought he didn't look so great. But as you said you have morals/values & it seems a commitment at the time to your marriage.

Personally I would say to you he didn't deserve you. And he will do the same thing to this person he is with now. They do it once - they continue to do it..

It hurts, but from your description of yourself you should be holding your head high. You have a lot to offer anyone.

But, what is most important is realizing your self-worth and taking care of yourself a top priority.

And one day you will meet someone who is worthy of you.

by lonerainbowwolf 1 Post
Posted on 5/30/2009 12:07 PM

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I understand where you are coming from. It is easy to say it doesn't matter. It would be best if we never knew what that person looked like it would help. Just keep in mind you need to do what you need to do to help you, don't worry about him or her, just concentrate on you, this is one of the few times that that is not being selfish. Good luck. It may be that he thought you were to good for him and she was what he deserved.

by ernestine 23 Posts
Posted on 4/14/2009 3:45 PM

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Mine left me for an older model Im thirty five she is forty two.Im blonde haired green eyes and 123 pounds,She is dark haired tans way too much and is covered in tatoos.He always swore they were a turnoff.

by ChiTown35 16 Posts
Posted on 4/7/2009 8:15 PM

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I don't want to come across arrogant when I say "I don't care who or what she ran off with." If a person can walk out of a marriage of ten yrs from a husband that worked his tail off so she could have a house, clothes, stay home with the children if she wanted to, put groceries in the cupboard and honestly never complain about doing all that then more power to her. I miss the companionship and all that. When I go to town and see families it honestly kills me because I valued mine. But one day I will have one again. She can have her immoral, alcoholic, no working, selfish, immature grown young' un. The bottom line is a cheater cheats no matter how bad or good their victim looks. They want to fullfill their selfish desires and what is so funny those desires never get met. :) So don't get caught up in how good or how bad your stbx's victim looks. What is so funny is when the new wears off and the old comes thru and your stbx is on to someone else then you can rest assured it is their issues with themselves and not you at all. Good Luck and God bless you and your future endeavors.

by gregory1969 220 Posts
Posted on 3/1/2009 8:45 PM

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My stbx left me for someone who weighs a good 50-60 lbs heavier than I do now (I recently lost 35 lbs), and, if I do say so myself, less attractive. I think it is hilarious. Honestly, I think it just proves his insecurities. He only feels secure in a relationship if there is little threat of the other person finding someone more attractive. Now that I look hot..... ;)

by xstitchgal 4 Posts
Posted on 2/22/2009 8:08 PM

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I don't think it really matters, to be honest. For me the emotional pain is far worse, and that seems independant of physical characteristics.

by Natalie 729 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 4:09 PM

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I dont know which would be worse. I think its just bad no matter what. I do think though that he is just tryin to fill some void that is empty now so he filled it with that other person. They cant be alone. I guess that means they are insecure? I dunno really, maybe we should talk to someone to cheated and ask them if they chose the person they cheated with cuz they were prettier or smarter etc. They prob just picked that person cuz it was convinent, ya know? Do people decide to cheat and then prowl around for "mrs. right/mr. right" ....i didnt think it worked like that. But i really dont know...

by rebec311 611 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 3:32 PM

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It has nothing to do with you, I think if you love the person you have to realize that there are changes phisically and intellectually as we age, everyone is different no matter how much alike they are. I think comparing ourselfs with others is always abad idea. Being left for someone else and told that they are better is a big lie, we all have our different set of issues to work on. You have been faithful he has strayed, why would he be a better person? Maybe better at being selfish, as far as two people breaking up their families to be with them selfs not the best of starting an honest family. I mean how do you explain the kids, when they ask how did you meet? when did you meet? and so on. My stbx has keeped a relationship with her ex husband since she divorced him and married me i know that she respects him more than me, it hurts to know that this was the guy she left me for in college,got pregnant by him, then she married him, divorced him and married me( she forgot to mention that she had married the guy that she left me for), 14 years later 2-3 other men that she has been with and me feeling like what was i thinking all these years just hurting. I doesn't matter how great the other person may seem to be, the pain is the same i think. sorry that you are going trough this.

by rogerone 122 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 3:18 PM

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Becksmom, to me it didn't matter either way. Just the act itself was devastating. Here's a link to an article on this site which will give you some great insight. I hope you find it helpful:

http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/cheating/counseling/oh-solo-mio-tips-to-deal-with-cheating.aspx?artid=1489

Good Luck!

by HereIgo 756 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 1:34 PM

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Love is blind! It's not about you or how you look or how smart you are, it's their own flaws!

by kdb 3175 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 12:13 PM

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I'm with Paula on this one........being left is being left.   Doesn't matter for who.

The thing is the Cheater cheats because of the feeling he gets by being with that other person.   That feeling is something the Cheater is searching for.

You know yourself that feelings are very very powerful things and humanbeings act on feelings most of the time.   So you see your husband leaving you doesn't have anything to do with you.

by timless 781 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 11:20 AM

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i'm in the doesn't matter camp. it has nothing to do with you. it doesn't matter if she is prettier/uglier/smarter/not as smart. it's just not what cheating is all about.

do not listen to him. remember rule number one....never, ever listen the person you are divorcing, or who has cheated, abused or hurt you. they are not to be trusted.

i can understand what you're saying here. but, it's not about you vs her. it's about him. he is going to say anything right now to 1. make you feel bad and 2. make himself feel better.

by paula1 12662 Posts
Posted on 1/22/2009 11:15 AM

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