Trailing Spouse, Jobless in a Foreign Country

I am a trailing spouse. I cannot work in the foreign country I currently live in. No children- his choice.  I moved 10 times for my husbands’ job. The last 5 times he resigned from his job because his “boss did not support him”.  In those cases he resigned with no job prospects lined up.  His average tenure per job? 2 years. Being jobless in a foreign country and having to repatriate is scary and expensive but he did not consider this in his decisions. In all those situations he begged, cried, seemed to be having a nervous breakdown to get my support and after months of drama I would give in and say ok. It would be just to be able to stop the barrage of crying and begging and his apparent depression. This depression seems to go away as soon as he resigns. The cycles then starts. I help him to concoct a reasonable excuse for his resignation and help him apply for other job because he cannot do it on his own. No, he cannot do it on his own. He does not know how to add attachments to emails and had dyslexia.  This is a secret we have kept hidden for 20 years. I am his shadow writer and secret secretary. By some stroke of luck he has been able to find jobs after all his sudden resignations.

I have told him many times that I need stability, permanent friends and a community. I do not have the support system I will need in case of divorce. He has no friends. We have no couple friends. I have maintained a handful of friends in many countries with a lot of effort.

The bottom line is, I have lost respect for this man and I am lonely!  He is a child in the body of a man fooling everyone around him. We have never had a stimulating conversation, ever!  I find him selfish in his daily interactions with me eg. “Where is my coffee?” and walking out of the door in the morning without saying goodbye. He also says other things I am too embarrassed to write about even in anonymity.  He is selfish with his time. The few free hours we have together during the evening or weekend only he can decide what to do with them and 90% of the time it means working on his office work.  If I do not agree to do his work he becomes verbally aggressive. He is a workaholic and would never take time out for counseling even if it were an option in this country.

However, he is not abusive. I have full control of our finances.  He provides me with a comfortable albeit precarious lifestyle. He acknowledges my participation in his career.  My feeling is he needs me and yes maybe he loves me but his love is a dependent unhealthy kind of love.

I find myself dreaming to be free of waiting for this man to grow up and create a stable life. By the way, he is 52 years old.

We have savings but I am in a country where I cannot work legally. Also, as mentioned, there is no marriage counseling in this country. I would have to move in with my parents if I leave him.  I have no income and have not worked in a paid job for over 10 years.   I am totally financially dependent on him.  Our life is a teetering deck of cards. Our secret will one day be revealed. He will be jobless and no one will hire him and the burden will be on me to keep us afloat.

Now he has a new job and he seems to like it but in a year or so he will start complaining again- I know it.  I know it. I know it.

So basically…there are no half measures for me. Get on a plane, go back to dad and mom and start anew or stick it out.

 

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