Is it OK to check your spouse's cell if you think they might be cheating?

I this is a great post because it is a very popular issue and YES, it is ok to do it if you suspect something.  I think if you do it all the time, then that's just you're own insecurity and maybe you shouldn't be with someone you can't trust.  But if you already have a feeling that something is up and need verification, then yes, it's ok. 

This is how I found out about my husband's incessant affairs with other women, even after he told me that he wasn't seeing or talking to anyone else and how much he "wanted our family to work"...then while at work, making calls to other women and nasty text messages...to include nasty pictures!  I would have had no other proof had I not checked his phone.  And the thing that really gave it all away was from him constantly checking my phone to see what I was up to...I never understood it.  Why was he always checking my phone???  Then I found out why!  It was because of what HE was doing!

not only did i check his cell phone, but i installed software on his computer to monitor him.. found out all i needed to know in 10 minutes!

i think that its ok if you think they are up to something. just do it. its better to find out if he/she is cheating.

Are you kidding me!!!????  You actually think it is snooping or a privacy violation...hmmmm.  I suppose that is a little chivalrous, but honey, you can bet your butt I will check text, voice, and after what I found....now even e-mails.  I know there are those who are controlling and jealous, but that is another issue, and cking messages is probably expected from them.  In my case, I had no reason to ck......just happened to hear his phone one night when I was up late.  Curious, I went see who it was....then I realized it was long distance and had suspicions.  I set a  trap and caught the little mouse, but had it not been for the miracle of texting.....I would have never had a clue!!

I say it's okay.

I'm curious what the law says.

I have a problem with this one. I have been "snooped" on extensively. My STBX has checked my email, phone records and followed me. I was told that it is paranoia, and a by product of her illness and medication. Big deal, I had nothing to hide and I therefore felt violated. What did turn up were two ruined surprises. One was a gift for her when we were trying to reconcile, and one was all of the party payments (put on my cc) for my BF's surprise 50th. (yes he's old er than me! ;^)  ) I don't think it is appropiate to snoop. To me personally, it is a question of trust. If you cannot ask, and believe the answer, then there are bigger issues present. If you snoop and find nothing, then you feel like a fool. If you don't and something IS going on, then you are a fool. I couldn't snoop with out feeling dirty myself, to me trust is a matter of honor, which I stand by. This is hard to teach in todays world, but my sons have seen the result of mistrust and misdeeds and they, fourtunately, have a solid center because of it. I might be in the minority here, but I do not agree with snooping. Again as always, this is my opinion based on my experiences.

I always felt it wasn't the right thing to do to check out my ex's email or cell phone but he also made it very difficult for me to do that anyways by having passwords and other types of ways that I couldn't access anything.  So, that should and did tell me that I shouldn't trust anything but it was his behavior that really was telling.  They say actions speak louder than words. Also, you have to be lacking a conscience to be cheating so it didn't matter to me anymore that he would do something like this.  I finally got some evidence after we had filed for divorce when a paper fell out of his backpack that showed he had just come back from Germany and stayed at a hotel with 2 guests, one king sized bed!  Oh well. It just pissed me off that he lied so many times over the years when I asked him point blank after some behavior that made him look guilty and he denied any affairs.

I believe that it is OK to check their  cell phone and text messages.  That was how I caught my ex the first time.  I checked his cell phone.  Then one day I deleted all the opening info on my cell phone and switched phones to see what would happen.  He was absolutely furious w/ me.  We fought and made up and he stayed.  Then I caught him w/ her again 4 yrs later, and then ended it.  Periodically throughout those 4 yrs I would check his cell phone for numbers, cuz I couldn't completely trust him again after the first time.  He caught me one time checking his cell phone and got angry at me.  Well he was the one who put that doubt in my mind in the first place.  On some of the new phones they have the feature that can make a phone number secret, I hate that because it makes it possible for that person to be more secretive and the phones are assisting in it.  At first I felt terrible about wanting to check his phone and always felt like I was invading his privacy but he deserved it.  Melaine

i wonder of the 81 people that voted on this (thanks agian all of you), who was the one who said it's never OK?  and why?

I have a friend that has cought his wife twice cheating on him through cell phone and email.  I caught mine after she told me that she wanted to divorce by checking texts and cell phone records.

I gotta say yes. If you have nothing to hide what does it matter. Something must be leading you to believe that there is a problem. Follow your gut it is almost always right.

This is how I knew my spouse was cheating by snooping through email because that thing with your 'gut' will never go away because God is trying to get your attention. 

So many times we ask for signs but when we get them we ignore them.  I've learned the 'gut' feeling is the sign not what I find afterwards because even if I don't find anything I know something is going on it's just a matter of time before my gut leads me to the proof. So go for it but whether you find anything or not, know that the feeling means something and wont go away till you figure out what that meaning is.

Awesome post!

My husband found out that I was cheating by seeing a text message that was sent to me. 

So,do I think that it is ok to check e-mail/text messages?  YES, I think it is ok.  If the spouse has nothing to hide, they shouldn't care. 

Yup, I got to chime in on this one! Been there, done that.  Checking text messages is how I caught my husband 3 times.  People who have never been through this have a hard time understanding that weird feeling you get in your gut when something is just not right.  When you get that feeling, 9 times out of 10, there is something going on.  Because I felt like I was nosing in on his private space, it was very hard for me to do.  But I finally did it.  My husband also tried to turn the blame on me, saying "why would you go snooping in on something you knew would hurt you".  Can you believe the balls!  I say go for it.  It will knaw at you until you do. Best of luck!

thank you all so much for your comments.

i'm just absurdly pleased it was Post of the Day...

i just wish i had more advice to offer people.  i still feel like a fox in the coop a little.

I think that if there's truly nothing to hide, your spouse wouldn't care if you saw their texts or emails. It's usually only when there's something fishy going on that they would get all fired up about. Your spouse should be able to look at any of that stuff and neither of you think anything of it. If there's an inkling that something's going on, check it out. If there's nothing to find, no harm done and you maybe sit down and talk about why there are trust issues. If there's something to find, at least you know and can protect yourself from that point on.

"...snoop..." - I did not access her phone but did attempt to erase a message that I left on her cellular phone messaging system to discover that she was involved in ways that she stated were not a part of her life-style... I readily admitted that act of crossing her personal space; and, we proceeded into the next phase of the separation and divorce process knowing that we both needed to let go of each other...

I think it is fine and have done it.  My advice is this... once you do it and get the evidence DO NOT call or text the ones you suspect.  I did this and it bit me in the ass and I regret it.  Also, once you find out what you need to know, stop looking.  Going back again and again to find out that the whore is calling or texting at 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6 in the morning, everyday, really takes a toll on your psyche.

I think it's also important to stop snooping once you've gotten the information you need. The whole idea is rotten in principle so it's good to stop just as soon as you can.

If you feel in your heart your spouse is cheating than I say you have the right to check it.  I found out through my ex's that he was cheating by his cell phone list and then tracing back to his cell phone bill.  It is a privacy violation I agree, but at that point I had no choice....there were too many clues and too much time had gone by.  I just did not run and do it from the beginning...it took a lot of thought.  If you have a gut feeling he is cheating than I am sorry to say you are most likely right.  You just have a sixth sense about it.....

If your gut tells you something is going on then it probably is...and there is only one way to find out.

Hell yeah I think it's just fine to check it out.  I knew something was going on with my ex (husband at the time) so I couldn't actually check his phone because he started taking it to bed with him (that's when the red flags started going off--he never took his phone to bed before!!).  So I got online logged into our cell phone account and checked some phone numbers and goly gee this ONE phone # kept showing up over and over again as he texting this # and this # texting him all night long and that # calling him every day and he calling that # every day, etc...  So I called the freakin' # yeah it was a chick--that's how I found out about him cheating on me.  Caught him red handed and royally pissed him off because he got caught with his freakin' pants down!! :)  So Yeah--if you suspect something--you have every right to check out emails and cell phones!!  If they aren't doing anything wrong they shouldn't be concerned if you are checking into it.  My ex made the statement to me when I found out he was cheating--He said--If you weren't digging into my shit then you would have never found out!! Like it was my fault he was cheating and lying all this time!! :)  STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES!!! :)

I think it is fine - you should have no secrets between the two of you.  If you do, why? What can you not share with your spouse? 
I am not saying I have always done this, but I try to live my life as if my spouse could see me...

I think you can access wherever and read whatever (and they can too) - I am not a lawyer, so I'm not talking about (or especially concerned with) what is legal - Im talking about what is right....

I'll chime in too. I had email forwarded to my inbox because I owned the acct. I did that to see how it worked and had no idea my ex was using that acct. As long as the mail had been opened I could monitor that acct. Legally.
 
He gave me his password to take care of insurance changes that led me to his inbox at work. Very instructive. Also legal as long as the mail was already open. That led to the new"wife" and all of that led to me getting my hands on hard copies of marriage licenses and got me my divorce.
 
I only did it because I knew something was going on I just didn't know who, what, where, when and how bad. Oh it was real bad. The key katcher on the back of the computer led to other things I have briefly discussed and won't go there again.
Sometimes you just have to do what you've gotta do if you really want and need the truth. And I really wanted the truth.

I found out about my wife's latest affair through texts in her cell phone, so yeah I didn't have much of an ethical problem with it.  If they behave suspiciously, then there's usually a reason for it...and you have every right to know.  Let me put it this way...would you rather have found out about an affair via a cell/computer or after you get diagnosed with some kind of VD including Hepatitis C and AIDS, for which there is no cure?  Or a child that isn't yours?  The possible consequences of an extramariatal affair go just beyond a broken heart.