Is Porn Adultery?

I must say I was never opposed to porn in the relationship if watched together. But the moment I found out my husband was looking at it behind my back and fantasizing about it that was when it became a HUGE issue to me and I did at that moment view it as cheating. Viewing it together can be a learning tool for different positions, if the movie has a real story line (vs. just 1 woman/scene to the next) women can get turned on as well.
I view it as cheating because in my mind it is an act he wants to do with someone else. If he needs a release...he knows what I look like why not fantasize about us? To me it is actually a turn on.

Porn itself is not adultery, but when the watcher decides to lie and watch it at all hours of the night rather than have a real relationship with the woman her married then there is a real problem.

He is cheating emotionally.

Meteor..
  Ok my opinion my be just a tad tainted since i have begun to learn that pornography just in itself can be addicting. My husband watched porn and i didnt have a prob with it...but then he started doing it behind my back and buying and watching it and i never knew a thing. what i didnt understand is if i didnt have a problem with it...why hide it? i have also learned from other women in my situation have husbands who are just plain out addicted to porn. Sexuality in the world is a messed up place these days...why do we have porn that says barely legal...and yes the girl may be a hair over 18 but she is flat chested and dressed to look like a minor. Is this really what we want men to look at? as a society i dont understand why this is allowed? I know there isnt anything that will ever change this but it still bothers me that it is out there. if i had any advice....i would say "trust your instincts"....

My husband watches porn and I do not consider it cheating.  It does creep me out, though.  He was honest about it from the beginning and I always said that I was O.K. with it, but I'm not.  I think it started to bother me because I got the cable bill and saw that he was getting pay-per-view porn about once a week(usually right after I left for work, thank you cable company for listing the exact time!) and we were not having sex that often.  And yes, I did try candles and sexy lingerie, before anyone suggests it.  Pornography just seemed like one more thing that was creating distance between us.  He likes to live in his fantasy world, between the pornography and the video games and watching television for hours every day.  When the fantasy world starts to look better than reality, well, there's a problem. 
The whole question of what is cheating haunts me.  I used to think that it had to involve sex or physical contact.  Then I heard someone say that if you act in a way that you would not act if your partner was around, then it's cheating.  That one really got me thinking.  Wait a minute.  Then a whole lot of things are cheating.  So smiling at a cute security guard or a sexy waitress is cheating?  Wow.  I am still not sure about that one, but the question is interesting.

10K? on lapdances? WOW

What constitutes porn?

Legally, pornography is only porn if the creator refers to it as such. For example, if I wrote a book about dogs and called it the biggest piece of porn, then yes it is porn. Yes, I could legally be sued for producing pornography. That is why you don't see the term pornography on that jacket covers of many a dvd, magazine or book.

We use the term commonally now to refer to anything depicting a sexual act and not too long ago it was also the image of the naked body. This is the root of the problem. What is pornogrpaphy?

Now having said that and I hope giving everyone something to think about, pornography, in itself is not a bad thing. However, if a spouse spends up to or maybe more than $10,000 over a 3 year period on strip clubs and lapdances- then this is obviously not a good sign for a relationship. Especially when the wife has been told he is working.

Um, can you tell this is part of my story?

Ask on drphil.com

Aimless, by the way, I agree!!  I have looked at porn, and usually enjoy it, unless it is one of those super cheap movies.  I personally prefer the movies that have an actual theme and some talking, LOL.  But women aren't supposed to like porn...that's why we have romance novels, lol.  I guess its supposed to be the same thing.  All though I will admit that I have read a book and gone to bed and completely jumped my boyfriend because I was turned on!!!

In my personaly opinion, I think porn is okay...IF there is no sneaking involved.  Many couples watch porn together.  But when the man (or woman) is being very secretive about interent porn or phone calls, then I think it is cheating.  There would be no reason to sneak around if you person doing it didn't think they were doing something wrong.  In my experience, if what you are doing feels wrong or deceitful, then it probably is.  But on the other hand, if your husband (or wife) openly enjoys porn and doesn't hide it, then there is probably nothing to worry about....it is just something they like, not something they are addicted to.

I don't think it's cheating, and I know some couples watch it together, and don't necessarily think it's a problem.  However, there is SO much out there, and I do think it alters people's idea of what is normal.  Just like kids seeing a lot of violence in video games tends to anesthesize them to it, or listening to a lot of profanity in hip-hop makes people think this is the cool way to talk, or at least is acceptable because we hear it all the time. 

I also think it can lead people to think that what is normal in porn (oh say, complete waxing, whatever it's called) is the way most women do, or should look, and that unrealistic comparison can lead to dissatisfaction with a more "average" spouse.

Meh.  We could split similar hairs all day.  Is going to a strip club cheating?  In and of itself, no.  Does getting a lap dance constitute cheating?  Getting warmer, but no.  Grinding against an erection?  Eh, I still say no, but it's starting to enter into that gray area...  Fishing it out and then stimulating it?  Okay, now I think we've crossed the line.

I guess the point is everyone's moral compass shows a different reading for north.  This is a bit subjective, but my opinion is that as long as it remains in the pants, that's the bright line between cheating and not...coincidentally, that's the difference between stripping and prostituting.  But other people may have a different take...some people, even LOOKING at another person in a lustful manner is cheating.  Other people, if it didn't happen in the same zip code, it isn't.  Then we get to the Bill Clinton definition of sex...and it goes on and on.

Same thing with porn.  To some people, watching two people go at it and getting off on it is just as bad as doing it themselves.  To others, it's a marital aid that helps cut through the same ol' same ol' and spices up a marriage.  And all points in between.  It's going to depend a lot on your own moral compass, how you were raised, and your life's experience.  Mine tells me that watching porn is not adultery.

The article has an interesting discussion of where things "cross the line."  
For example, most people would agree having sex with a prostitute is cheating, but what about watching a prostitute (live in the room, alone)? is that cheating? If yes, then why if you were to tape it and stream it to a computer would that be different? etc etc.....

I think what I find most interesting is the statistic in this that says that 70% of college women haven't looked at porn...

I'd say these college women weren't being too truthful...or they didn't translate looking at porn the same as actually being aroused or masturbating while viewing the images.

I know what I was like at that age, including a large group of women I knew. We probably looked at porn the same amount as men.

I could be wrong, but I have a hunch that statistic is not quite accurate - we still have a notion in today's society that it is "dirty" and "wrong" for women to view/enjoy porn/erotic stories so there is still much shame for women to admit that they look at/enjoy these types of things. (Food for thought...wonder why the "romance novel" business is so big? It's soft-core erotica/porn with just enough of a romantic twist, especially when describing the acts/body parts themselves, so it doesn't sound 'dirty'.)

There's a legal term used primarily with the criminal justice system calle mens rhea (sp?) which is latin for "guilty mind."  It kind of applies here.  If you see an attractive person and indulge in a fantasy, is it cheating?  Maybe in your mind, but that's where it ends.  When you try to make fantasy a reality, then you are in violation of your marital vows.  Porn is the same thing...you're watching others have sex.  In and of itself, not cheating...no matter how much you wish it were you instead of the other actor the act was happening to.

I do agree with trisha in that it has the possibility of getting out of control and start causing problems in your marriage, but then so can video games, football, gambling, etc.  But it isn't adultery.

I personally don't see that in the broad, and I do mean very broad, scope of porn, it is cheating but there are many things that can make it feel like cheating and many things that can make it more tempting and easier (guilt-wise) for people to cheat.

I agree with Paula's statements, Childless' statements and Trisha's, which all brings up some very interesting and different views to this one...

Can porn feel like cheating? Sure it can, especially if it is hidden and not openly discussed or it is not mutually watched or agreed upon. Been there, done that one, by the way...

Can porn actually bring partners closer together? Sure it can if the couple is openly discussing it and it is not hidden, which includes stating boundaries and each person's comfort level in the type of porn that is being viewed.

Can porn become destructive to a couple? You bet it can! There is some porn/fetishes that even I cannot comprehend or situations where I would not feel comfortable with the knowledge of my spouse viewing porn. I have stated where I draw the line and am very open with him (as I always have been) - sex is an open discussion between us and I actually find it ironic that he has a harder time talking about sex than I do (isn't it supposed to be the other way around? LOL).

Porn, just like almost ANYTHING else, can be either harmless or hurtful. It can become an addiction as well as feel that there is at least some sort of emotional/psychological cheating happening. It depends on each couple stating their boundaries and openly discussing it, along with the notion of NOT hiding it in any way.

But, that's just my opinion and I'm sure others don't quite feel the same way.

I agree with Paula. But it can become an addictive habit. That does cause problems in a marriage. No one should have to compete with that image on a screen. Or feel their body is being compared to another. Or have sex while their partner is watching porn. Who are they making love to in their head? Their partner or the image on the screen? It's demeaning to know that the person you love is having sex with your body while they have the image of someone else in their head. It seems like cheating to me.

Yes, you have to be a certain type of person; but there seems to be a lot of those people around. For someone with NPD or other personality disorders it can lead to other kinds of porn. The really sick kind.

ok who are the 2 people who said porn is cheating?  Very curious to hear why.

what if you are watching it together?

for porn to lead to adultery, wouldn't you have to be that type of person to begin with.....i don't see how watching porn can cause someone to cheat.  you either have that in you...or you don't.  what's next....starbucks coffee caused adultery?  this strikes me as a very lame attempt to say that people are not to be held responsible for their actions.  i didn't do it....i was under the influence of debby does dallas?  really?