To “D” or not to “D”...that is the question.

    I would like to keep this short, but it is a long story, so please bear with. We have both been “on the fence” regarding divorce for almost six months, and really need to make a decision or we will go nuts (or something like that, anyway). Aside from just voting, any feedback is welcome.
    We have been married almost 14 years. She needed financial stability, and I did not want to be alone. Both are lame reasons for marriage. 
    I initially had a bit of the “hots” for her, but that disappeared within 3 years or so. She says she never felt that towards me (thought it would grow with time, but never did). I do not think she was ever happy. I pretty much was for the first few years, and then it changed to merely “not unhappy”. During the last 5 years, I changed to the definitely unhappy camp, and I believe she has been there for much longer. 
    Sex has never been good (never mind the pizza joke) and lately non-existent. My doing, not hers; lack of desire causes equipment malfunction (might be half physical, but it sometimes works in the shower, if you catch my drift). I believe communication was reasonably good in the beginning, but over the years has deteriorated like the sex. Partly my fault because I clam up when I feel I am being attacked, and am too sensitive in that regard. But partly her fault, too, in that I find it almost impossible to get a straight answer. Conversations usually revert to her telling me what I am feeling and what is wrong with me. Example is when I asked if financial issues were not a concern, would she be divorcing me. All I got was “I have thought about that”, and then the conversation turned into why I have not filed for divorce yet. Simple answer is because I have not 100% given up on the idea that we might be able to turn this mess around (unscramble eggs, as she puts it). 
    I call it a mess as things got “interesting” about six months ago. Because our relationship was just continuing to get progressively worse, I had pretty much decided to suggest divorce, but had not yet done so. Coincidently, three things happened at almost the same time. 
    I desperately needed someone to talk with about our issues and contacted an old friend. She is (unfortunately) an unmarried female I used to work with about 20 years ago, and whom I initially had a crush on (along with just about everyone else who met her). We quickly became close “on-again/off-again” friends and confidants with no romance at all (she talked me through an earlier divorce). We communicated via e-mail and phone and met for lunch and dinner several times when wife was off doing other things. She convinced me to hold off on divorce and try to work things out. Needless to say, wife found out eventually and is 100% convinced we were having an affair. Knowing better, I took the opening quiz in “NOT Just Friends”, and scored between a 2 and 4 depending on how you handle the “maybe a bit” answers. Says it might have been the start of an emotional affair. 
    One morning, wife told me she had the “hots” for a guy we met in our favorite watering hole (someone I enjoy talking with). Coincidently, a woman who frequents that watering hole had said some nice things to me a week before, and I was feeling the same about her (we had traded e-mail addresses and exchanged a few mostly innocent ones). Instead of focusing on wife’s topic, I told the truth (which is my bent, but not always a good idea). 
    We are now both on anti-depressants, and I am seeing a counselor for my depression and anxiety. We saw a marriage counselor twice together, and once each separately. I was willing to continue, but she was not (so that stopped). The story is she did the counseling thing for years with her first husband (although he never participated), but he dumped her anyway, and she just cannot stand to have that happen again. My theory was that even if we ended up divorcing down the road, we might learn something useful during the counseling. 
    Last week I was ordering some self-help and marriage-help books on-line. When she noticed, she berated me for wasting my time doing that. When I asked what I should be doing instead, she went into a rant about how I should be figuring out how to get a divorce and doing it. Hence my finding this site. She has since backed off and said she will go along with whatever decision I make, claiming she is therefore no longer on the fence. I think that is a cop-out and a ploy to make me the bad guy.
    Obviously, we have relationship problems, and we both have separate individual issues as well. I want us both to be happy in our remaining years, and it is looking very much as though that will not happen if we stay together. Regrettably, I am not willing to make the changes I think I need to make for us to work, as she does not seem interested in doing the same. 
    So…assuming you are not all asleep by now, please help! Thanks in advance. 

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