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8/18/2008 12:39:07 PM

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Sex during separation?

After a divorce has been filed, and looks to be relatively certain to become finalized, is it OK to maintain a sexual relationship with your STBX? I don't want to interject my reasoning for thinking in either selection as of yet - looking for un-coersed input.

Mike
 


by andys_dad   84 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 12:39 PM

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Comments for "divorce360.com | Sex during separation?"  (29) (You must be logged in to answer)




I don't think having sex during divorce could change the fact that sooner or later
you will be able to live your life separately. Most people undergone separation process is because they are out of love and wanting
to be free from their marriage that doesn't work.
I don't think sex would be a good idea to someone fall out of love...
by SimpleDivorceAdvice   2 Posts
Posted on 12/23/2010 10:58 AM
1





I don't think having sex during divorce could change the fact that sooner or later
you will be able to live your life separately. Most people undergone separation process is because they are out of love and wanting
to be free from their marriage that doesn't work.
I don't think sex would be a good idea to someone fall out of love...
by SimpleDivorceAdvice   2 Posts
Posted on 12/23/2010 10:58 AM
3





Man. My wife and I were doing it on occasion also because it was so good between us. However I was the one wanting to make "Love" and she was the one that justwanted to get laid. I have the same question about my own marriage that I can't get answered that tomuch42long said earlier. My wife has decided that there arethings in the marriage that she didn't like (not abuse or anything like that) and that because she doesn't feel the same way about me, we should get  divorce. She wants me in parts of her life but doesn't want me in other parts. Talk about messed up and she can't even tell me why except forthe fact that she doesn't believe in me anymore.
by Heartbrokepicker   683 Posts
Posted on 12/16/2008 8:09 AM
12





Just don't do it, nothing good can come from it and it will just make the final settlement hurt that much more.
by Jamesalone   4936 Posts
Posted on 10/24/2008 9:48 AM
4





Hey Andy's dad...
that's good that you're maintaining your limits...like i said if both have  agreement and know where they stand and know all the circumstances...i guess that is just between you two...i think everyone has a different issue in their separations and difinitely have different expectations/wants/needs...it's good that your children will only see the good relation with their parents....that's all that matters...i don't think anyone can change a persons real feelings no matter how much no's and don'ts do that given...i wish you luck and hope you will continue to stay in good terms for your children...after the divorce..
by Hopes08   74 Posts
Posted on 8/18/2008 3:25 PM
1





Hey Hopes!

Well, the situation as far as logistics isn't that complicated at all. We wait until our son is asleep, then we go over to whoevers place our son is staying at (If he's with me, she comes to my house...), we take care of business, and then the other goes back to their place. We have a rule of "no over-nighters".

And the marriage WILL indeed end. I still don't want it to, I haven't all along - but I have come to accept that she's just gone and never coming back. However, she IS pregnant, so we will still be spending more time together than most divorcing couples due to that fact alone.

There will come a time when I think it will no longer be disrespectful to her for me to start dating, and I requested that she not date anyone until after the baby is born, which she had no problem with. So until the time to go out and date comes, we at least know where eachother has been, we know we have great sex, and that our sex is just that - nothing more. No buildup to getting back together.

Yeah, we're basically using eachother, but it beats the alternative of looking for it from someone we hardly know just because we're horny... There is still love in our love-making, of course - that doesn't just go away, but we're also in full understanding of the situation.

Mike
by andys_dad   84 Posts
Posted on 8/18/2008 9:27 AM
6





I wanna know more input in this situations....there's many of  who is desire of having sex..with the ex or ex to be.. because he or she is not involve yet with a new person...i guess if both agrees to their needs and both is willing to give in...then you just have to remind each other that the decision may not change..and both just have to take all the pain since you are both asking for it. just don't involve your childrens feelings if in the end you're still going through with the divorce...becareful of giving mix signals also to your son who will see you both back in the house..and suddenly one have to leave because it was just sex not to rebuild a family..it's not just our desire...it's involving children who will sooner or later will be asking you why mommy came and left or why daddy stayed for the night and left and not back for awhile...so i guess reassure of all the circumstances...it is hard to keep a relationship distant but still in needs....this is just an extra cents added...
by Hopes08   74 Posts
Posted on 8/18/2008 4:56 AM
5





4girls,

I guess maybe because I carry enough hope to think that it shouldn't be inevitible, though I know it looks that way...

I guess I'm grasping at straws...

Mike
by andys_dad   84 Posts
Posted on 8/12/2008 4:07 PM
0





Having sex with your stbx will only hurt you. I understand every situation is different but why prolong the inevitable?
by 4girls   144 Posts
Posted on 8/12/2008 6:44 AM
2





I dont think its a good idea myself....the only good thing about my relationship with me and my stbx was the chemistry also but i would not dare go there any longer!  Do I think about the love making sessions with him...sure i do!  You gotta draw the line somewhere....if I were to have sex or make love to him right now, it would only confuse me even more...I have come to far to start backstepping now!
by SKelly   288 Posts
Posted on 8/12/2008 12:21 AM
17





well Mike, you have more people, at different stages in their divorce processes telling you not to do it, than you have telling you it would be ok....and then there is me, the bottom feeding attorney...

take that for what it is worth

I think you need to protect your feelings...you have a son and unborn daughter to think about - i'd hate to see you crash harder if you get rejected all over again at some point...it will be that much harder to pick up your pieces - and that WILL affect your child(ren)....
by spaznskitz   11339 Posts
Posted on 8/12/2008 12:19 AM
4





2much42long,

Yes - we have, and always have had AWESOME chemistry.

 

I don't feel that the marriage is bad enough, or fargone enough to throw away - I honestly don't. However, there are 2 sides to every coin... She doesn't feel it is bad enough that she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, yet she apparently feels it's bad enough to divorce... I don't get it...

 

7-year anniversary today, conciliation hearing tomorrow. Talk about a totally shitty start to an otherwise perfect week LOL!!!

 

Mike

by andys_dad   84 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 11:57 PM
2





Oh Spaz! Don't take it personally - I just don't like lawyers. (kidding) I guess my points are these, delivered with a "gentler touch" lol...

I don't think I really have any emotional issues (aside from the obvious). Nothing nagging, not the greatest childhood, but not the worst - pretty average I think. No major turn-the-world-upside-down events... I used to get REALLY violent when something hurt me or p'd me off. I decided I should go to anger management after I busted the bejesus outta my hand. Just an FYI - they made house-walls pretty tough in the late 1800's - if you wanna box - don't pick a fight with one of those walls LOL!!! After anger management, I learned to control my rage, and have done VERY well with it actually. My downside is that I replaced violent tantrums with drinking. Now - I write. Or I go for a run (I have to be REALLY pissed to run!!!). Or I vent to a friend (yeah - they all have caller ID now LOL!!!). I guess if you mean "emotional issues" as in not just storing emotional hurt, but dealing with it - OK. I guess I just ASSume the former when the phrase is mentioned. My bad... Once again - I'm really sorry (I think that makes 2. So far LOL!)

As for the "casual sex" getting feelings invloved - damn right lol!!! My feelings have been involved for over 12 years - that ain't gonna cease cuz I'm "getting some". I've told her that - I'm not pulling any punches here. She knows where I stand, I know where she stands. I will still be devastated if the divorce goes through, no question! And from what I can ascertain, the 2 possibilities for me are 1) she spends more time with me, decides she was wrong and gives us another shot (my preference), or 2) she decides she still wants the divorce, we sign the paper, have some breakup-sex, and I still walk away hurt and devastated.

My point there all along is if the divorce goes through, I'm going to be an emotional wreck, regardless of whether we have sex or not.
by andys_dad   84 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 11:49 PM
3





I say...Why the hell would you want to?  I'm not even separated yet, and I haven't touched wife in an embarrassingly long time.  Not that I don't want sex; I have a libido a large as the observable universe, but she is the LAST person I'd ever want to have sex with.

I just don't see it...If you're have chemistry and are compatible enough to have great sex, and neither of you has hurt the other so badly that you're turned off by the thought of it, then is your marriage really bad enough to throw away?
by 2much42long   3035 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 10:11 PM
5





I say don't do it.  Sex in marriage is supposed to be a loving act.  For that matter, it's always supposed to be an act of love.  Why on earth did we evolve into a society that takes it so lightly?  Sure it feels good, but it's important.  Whether your are religious or just looking at biology and evolution, doesn't the fact that it can result in children show something about how important it is?

I continued to be intimate with my ex after he had told me he wanted a divorce.  We were never legally separated prior to that.  Not necessary in my state.  I did this thinking I could change his mind, and not wanting him to go elsewhere.  All I did was hurt myself.  I was feeling love, and he was only having sex.  Imagine my hurt when he told me had filed less than 24 hours after waking me up for it!  I should not have been so stupid.
by musicmom   93 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 9:39 PM
1





when did I mention "mommy or daddy" issues?

 

deep rooted emotional issues was a really B R O A D term...and it includes your reasons for drinking...

 

bottom line - my opinion is that sex with an stbx is a very bad idea - I've seen it turn divorces that really should happen into long draw out emotional roller coasters - even in teen age early 20's non married people who do the "casual sex" friend with benefit thing life to regret it in most cases...feelings ALWAYS get involved at some level. 

Geez - what did I do so wrong for you to be so mean to me? It's just an opinion - you opened it up for discussion....

now, since you seem to have so much incredible contempt for me all I can say is..."if it makes you feel better, you wanna box?"

by spaznskitz   11339 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 9:00 PM
3





Tuff, What reason will your husband have to come back home if you keep giving it up? He can get it when ever he wants and then leaves to live the single life.

You are his wife! He's treating you like a booty call and your allowing it! You have settled for being just a "screw" like you said. Who's to say he's not getting it somewhere else as well. Please, demand more respect than that.
by asim   779 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 5:32 PM
1





Tuff,

Sounds like we are in a pretty similar situation. You are following my exact line of thinking.

I really was looking for viewpoints on both sides - looks like it's a mixed-bag  ;o)

Mike
by andys_dad   84 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 5:28 PM
0





Spaz,

As much as I appreciate your input as being one "on the outside looking in", I think you may be best suited to maintain sticking to providing legal advice, and less as a counselor. I think you are failing to see the forest through the trees (or for the trees - they both make sense...).

I'm not just "using her" to get "something". Sure - I'm getting something, and so is she. I don't see how that is "using" when it's mutually beneficial, aside from the point of me not wanting to look elsewhere, when all I want is for her to come home. I'm glad that she at least looks to me instead of going elsewhere while we are still married, especially when she is pregnant with my child! If nothing else, we both share intimacy, with eachother, whom we know is "safe" and that we already have a connection with. The only thing I can stand to lose is the intimacy after time, which would happen if the divorce becomes final anyways - so why not enjoy it while I can? Yet I am also provided with more time with her so that maybe - just maybe - she is reminded that my label is not "alcoholic", my TRUE label is "HUSBAND", and despite my own flaws, I have been a pretty damn good one all-in-all.

As for the root of alcoholism, I will not deny that I have the disease of alcoholism. It's not a matter of having emotional trauma or "deep emotional issues", it's a matter of supressing them and not dealing with them in a normal, healthy manner. There are MANY people with much deeper emotional scars than I, and many of them are NOT alcoholics. No single person has ever found an end-all, be-all cause for alcoholism, and I am a SELF DIAGNOSED alcoholic.

I don't give a damn about irrellevant experiences. I know my problem is that I tend to dive into the bottle, rather than seek a healthy, "harder" solution to whatever issues I am experiencing. I didn't become an alcoholic because daddy beat me or because mommy didn't love me enough, despite what your textbook tells you.

Mike
by andys_dad   84 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 5:25 PM
3





Why not????  I told my STBX in the beginning of our seperation that I better not find out that he has been with anywhile else while we are "supposed to be working on our marriage".  He asked what I wanted him to do for his manly relief.  I told him to come to me.  No strings attached. (of course I wanted strings, but I would rather him come to me than to be whoring around).  So we have several times.  But it's just a screw.  As soon as he's done, he leaves the house.  He won't stay to visit or anything.   So yes, I am being used, but I did ask for it to be that way.  We have to get it from somewhere, and I would rather get it from the man I am still technically married to, than anywhere else.
by Tuff   82 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 4:05 PM
8





If you love her you won't use her just for "getting something" - it's wrong, and if the roles are reversed, then it is even more important that you don't compromise your values.

 

Mike, alcoholics become alcholics due to deep emotional issues - these are things you have to work on and adding one more emotionally confusing situation to all of the others - is just adding one more lane to the highway towards disaster.  

 

be smart about this

by spaznskitz   11339 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 3:13 PM
1





Spaz,

HAHAHA!!!! Sorry - thought your "making love not fucking" remark was funny, considering the typical roles taken in the bedroom have always been reversed for us (ie - I prefer the sensual, intimate love-making, she prefers being "fucked".).

As for being sensitive, sexually, to her "preggo desires". Is that the same sensitivity I am supposed to show because she wants a divorce? I have done many things wrong in our marriage - no contesting that. She has too, and don't think otherwise there, either. Difference being that I want to, am willing to, and always HAVE been more willing to work on my faults, than she has hers. And I HAVE made progress, though I still have progress to make. Even she would tell you that.

She had admitted that the notion of divorce by her is selfish, so what makes it worse that I feel like at least I am getting something out of the deal?
by andys_dad   84 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 3:02 PM
2





Ok, blunt and graphic - be warned...

if you love your wife, you will not put her in a friend with benefits type scenario, regardless of either of your sexual frustrations - (you just being a man (lol) and her having preggo hormones that can accelerate a woman's desires)

In other words, the next time you are in bed with your wife, you should be making love to her - not fucking her - which is all these "rendezvous" would be.

Don't cheapen it - either you two deal with your marital problems with your clothes on and work things out to where sex isn't just an "act of release" and it is being done when you two are committed to the vows you took OR you divorce and you date left hand lucy or right hand rita until a new person comes into your life.

by spaznskitz   11339 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 2:30 PM
2





Thanks Asim,

I am going to counseling, she is not. I have asked, at first she said she would, now she won't (she changed her mind on that before the intimacy). She also said she would go to an Al-Anon meeting, she has also reversed that commitment (before the intimacy).

She IS 4-months pregnant, so being a man and not knowing anything about the hormones, all I know is that the hormones can do some screwed-up things to a woman's mind.

I do feel like I am setting myself up for another big let-down, and at the same time, I feel like maybe she will begin to remember other things that were great about our marriage, with sex being the spring-board (I know, this will get eye-rolls and "Oh Mike, you should know better"...). Also, I feel like if nothing else, at least I get some awesome sex and intimacy, and that is better than feeling alone and abandoned...

I just don't know. Well, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have created this poll LOL!!! I DO know that (honestly - not trying to brag), I am VERY good in bed, and it does make me feel a little devious, knowing if she does still leave, her next "man" will likely not be as good as I am. So in essence, I'm giving her something to be disappointed in with her next relationship, which feels somewhat like revenge  :o)

I know, silly and childish... At least it helps me to keep from feeling so much like a victim.

Mike
by andys_dad   84 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 2:14 PM
0





Mike,
I don't think it's a good idea, I agree with Rob, This just confuses the situation. You still love her and want her back, she still wants an divorce. 

It sounds like she is a bit confused and doesn't really know what she wants. Are you both going to counseling? I she willing to put the divorce on hold and work on your marriage? If not, I think you should discontinue the intimacy.
Your setting yourself up for more pain and longer healing process because of the mixed signals. 

Just my two cents =)  
 

by asim   779 Posts
Posted on 8/11/2008 1:55 PM
1







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