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8/17/2008 12:30:11 AM

Read more posts in group: Should I Stay or Should I Go



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I can't trust him and am no longer in love with him

We have been married for 25 years with one child still at home. He had an affair 10 years ago which was very, very painful but were able to work through with 2 solid years of counseling. Our relationship was good after that due to his feelings of guilt over what he put our family through. For the past 3 or 4 years, however, things have been going downhill again. He quit his job for a more stable job 7 years ago and has been working out of another city halfway across the country for the past 2 years. He commutes home for a couple of days each week on average. There are some weeks that he doesn't come home at all and other weeks when he is home for 4-5 days. I realized a year ago that he was starting to act the same as he did before he had the affair...angry, verbally abusive, secretive, distant. I finally began to look at computer records to see what he had been up to, to try to discover if there was a source for his negative behavior. I discovered that he had been frequenting many porn sites and that he had posted a fictitious profile on an obscure dating site. I confronted him on his angry behavior and he finally admitted to visiting the porn sites. He claims that he did not know that he had posted his profile on the dating site, claiming that it must have happened when he filled out an online questionnaire, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" I have clicked through the site enough to know that he had to enter some personal information that would not have appeared simply by filling out the questionnaire.

My question...I really believe that it is possible that he is having another affair but cannot prove it. I cannot trust him. He certainly has the opportunity, living in another city essentially, and has a prestigious job that attracts opportunistic females to him. He denies having one, but at this point, due to the way he has been acting that is similar to the way he behaved before and during the first affair. He has also placed us in very significant debt, claiming that it is because he is bad at managing money and we have been living beyond our means. I do not at all believe this is true.

I am staying in this marriage because I truly feel that it would hurt our remaining child at home significantly if we separated. I am trying to hang on as normally as possible until our child leaves for college, in another year. I do not, however, trust my spouse at all anymore. I hate it when he is at home and do not feel any romantic interest in him. I like him as a friend sometimes but have no romantic interest in him, whatsoever. I am very angry that he has hurt and destroyed our family so much out of his selfish, superior and narcissistic attitude. Hard to explain in the confines of this space, but I need to know what others would do in my situation. Should I keep things status quo until our child is in college or ask for a separation now? A separation now would be very, very hard on our child. Our child is not aware of this situation. What should I do?

by Timetogo   1 Post
Posted on 8/10/2008 12:30 AM

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Comments for "divorce360.com | I can't trust him and am no longer in love with him"  (4) (You must be logged in to answer)

The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years and wondering where the love went.
It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise to do 4 things.
1. To accept everything that you know and do not know about her now.
2. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age - for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if she is disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you promise to accept her.
3. To forgive her later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others' forgiveness.
4. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship - otherwise it will get boring.
 If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other.  After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse.  Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience. 
The problem is that none of the parties gotto the love stage. They simply rode the wave of emotional attraction until itwas exhausted.  Fortunately, themarriages can be improved almost immediately if the parties chose to love.

Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is aPromise. by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College. (LoveIsAPromise.wordpress.com)

by Jeffstudio   1 Post
Posted on 5/28/2013 9:54 PM

WOW, I have to say this is exactly how I feel at this point in my marriage. I do not have any trust and I feel that trust is an extremely important part of a marriage. I can not even trust him going to the corner store because I feel that he may be calling or texting someone. ALthough, my kids are not old enough to say that they would be gone for college, my two youngest would be most affected by the change. My two oldest are ready for it. He mistreats them sometimes and plays with them in ways they do not like. His comments and behavior have been intolerable to them. So they try and stay away from him. I am ready to let go but my financial situation is really rocky and not sure if I can let go financially. But I know I am not longer romantically connected to him nor do I want to try!
by MommyJean   51 Posts
Posted on 1/19/2010 11:19 AM

This decision is a very difficult one.  Your husband's behavior sounds very much like my ex's., except he did not admit to earlier infidelity.  I suspect it, however.  He did practically everything yours did, but then HE filed - not only blaming me for everything to my face, but trying to convince the courts I had borderline personality disorder. He is so narcissistic he could not take any responsibility for leaving.  His infidelity and issues with porn and money were besides the point.  I would be especially concerned about your financial situation.  My ex repeatedly blamed me for our debt because I was a stay-at-home mom (of 4!).  I returned to work when our youngest was in pre-school to try to show him how committed to his concerns I was.  He filed for divorce as soon as I was able to pick up the health insurance with him on the policy!  He makes about three times the amount I do, but had huge amounts of debt that I did not know about until he filed for divorce.  That was a rude awakening!  I now manage to pay the bills on time with about half of our previous income.  I still have no idea what he was doing with his money.

Good luck  and believe in yourself in all this!
by musicmom   93 Posts
Posted on 8/10/2008 11:11 PM

I would say that you don't realize your child that is home DOES know what is going on. Kids are smart...
Your husband has repeatedly given you reason to not trust him. He seems to have some problems and they were addressed years ago but have resurfaced, maybe they were never even resolved but covered up.
File for separation....he has not changed.
by mtnvly   4119 Posts
Posted on 8/10/2008 7:16 AM

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