Poll: Does Love Make A Difference?

No, affairs are never ok...What it does to the other person in the marriage is something no one has a right to do to anyone....Mine gave his heart and said he hadn't slept with her yet....That was supposed to make me feel better? Said he hadn't cheated on me...Bullshit...He had slept with her, I confirmed it later in email. But it started out emotionally first...Either way, he reached out to someone when he should have been reaching out to his wife...

An affair is never okay.  If you are in love or not. 

"Love" also is so mysterious.  There is no clear answer to "what is love".  So, some people having an affair may call it love, but by my definition - it isn't the kind of enduring, rich, deep relationship that you BUILD over a lifetime of hardships and good times.  Some people will call their love "lust" or "new love" feelings....but wisdom says that isn't a feeling that lasts forever.

When my counselor and stbx told me that she wasn't really in love with the first person she cheated on me with I was devastated.

Not only had she cheated on me without blinking an eye, but she could do it without being in love.

Yuck.

I voted "no" because I don't believe affairs are OK either way in a normal marriage. But in the open-marriage/swinger case, I think I'd say the behavior is unacceptable only if love is involved. But never having lived that lifestyle, I can only guess as to the "normal" constraints. I envision I would be upset under that scenario if my wife treated anyone as more than a friend and sex partner, though.

But I'll confess all this talk about "emotional affairs" has left me a bit befuddled about what constitutes an "affair". I used to think it was just sex, but after reading posts here and taking a quick look at the book "NOT Just Friends" (search Amazon books if you want), I think I've changed that opinion. I'd now say an affair is whenever you are getting something outside of the marriage that you should be getting from your spouse.

This addresses a bit the questions 2much42long asked. If your spouse/marriage should be giving you something, but isn't (can't or won't), I think not getting that "something" is part of the deal. Going outside the marriage to get that missing something could be a deal-breaker in your spouse's eyes. For me, that's the case, and the "something" was/is having open stress-free communication (connectedness, if you like) over lunch.

An affair is an affair, if you are turning to someone else other than your spouse to fulfill a need they can't fill for you, then that's an affair plain and simple.  If you have feelings for someone else and act on them that's cheating.  People can sugar coat it all they want, but usually the people who do sugar coat it to make it sound "okay to do" are the ones who are doing it and they are trying to justify their behavior.  Once you take vows with someone you say for better or for worse, not "until someone better comes along".  Alot of people cheat just because they are in lust not love and their hormones kick in or maybe their marriage has lost that excitement it once had so they justify the affair for that reason, but whatever you call it, it's an affair!

I still think emotional affairs are cheating, but, when I made my comment about moving out of the house before doing anything, I was talking about a sexual relationship.  Unfortunately, not only was my ex out all night, I found, shall we say, physical evidence of his relationship.  Any time another person gets in the way of the marriage relationship, and takes the place of the spouse, it's wrong and damaging. 

Emotional affairs are different from friendships in this way.

Cheating is not OK, if you are having problems, not getting what you need, than get a divorce before you start a relationship.  What is wrong with so many people, just do the right thing.

I think the worse part of all of it is his cheating while his wife is dyeing. The other women is trash and deserves her name smeared all over the media. If he didn't love her, then he just used her and thats worse. Why other than because your in love with the other person would you cheat? thats just my opinion, I couldn't sleep with just anyone.
I don't believe in the "emotion affair"  being intimate with some one other than your spouse is MY definition of cheating.

Okay, now don't jump all over me, because I feel the same way as the rest of you.  I'm just playing devil's advocate here.  (I love stirring the pot.)

How would you define an affair.  With all the talk of "emotional affairs", it appears that sex is not a requirement for an affair.  So what, then, is an affair.  If you turn to someone else for something that your spouse cannot give you, whether it be intellectual interaction, or a shared interest that you don't have with your spouse, is that an affair?  Or is it an affair only if you turn to someone else for something that you are getting (or could get) from your spouse?  And in that case, what if your spouse cannot, or will not, give you intimacy or sex?

No it's not okay! If you are having problems in your marriage and want out you either go to counseling together and try to work things out and see what has fizzled in the relationship or you file for divorce and get out BEFORE you start another relationship!!  Once a cheat always a cheat and do we want a politician like this?  Of course it seems on the news that alot of politicians lately are getting caught with their pants down!!

And it's not okay when your spouse has filed, but won't move out.  Nothing like having him out all night long doing exactly what you think he is!

No it's not ok either way.  An affair is a symptom of problems in the marriage.  Figure out how to fix it or ask for a divorce, cheating is cheap and damaging in so many ways.

No it's not ok either way.  An affair is a symptom of problems in the marriage.  Figure out how to fix it or ask for a divorce, cheating is cheap and damaging in so many ways.

Link to the Edwards story here:  http://www.divorce360.com/articles/1218/edwards-i-cheated.aspx

But EC...I don't believe in heaven/hell.  I think THIS might be hell, and how you work your way through THIS determines what kind of "heaven" you get later.  Probably sounds like crap, but it's why I think we get faced with so many trials and temptations now.

Affairs are wrong. I think the problem happens when you are in an unhappy/unfulfilled relationship (true or not), and you are tempted by some attention you feel you're not getting.  The thing about marriage is, you're supposed to believe what you have at home is better than what you'd find elsewhere, and have enough respect for the person sitting at home to not cross that line. Obviously, that doesn't seem to be happening anymore.  Even the president couldn't keep it zipped (BILL!).  What an example...

The "pearly gates" must be laying off people...not too much business these days to get in I guess. Wonder where everyone is going instead???" Anyone know if they have ice water and air conditioning here? it a bit HOT". LOL

NOT O.K., NOT O.K, at all. There's always an excuse, isn't there??????

I tend to agree with Paula...

I don't think an affair is right, unless the married couple has an open marriage or swinger lifestyle, and that means that BOTH spouses agree to it.

If the marriage was not an open marriage/swinger relationship, then I don't think an affair is right and the people should leave the marriage before that point (and I'm one that did have an affair - I'm not sure if I will ever forgive myself for that and am NOT in agreement with my choice to do that and I certainly don't say I had any "right" to do it, so please no bashing me because I am so ashamed of it and remorseful and it will never happen again).

can't believe i'm going to say this....but maybe...just maybe....there are circumstances where this would be ok....? ?  i'm thinking open marriages sort of thing.  doubtful they had an open marriage though.

Is it just me, or does this remind you of Clinton's "sex vs oral sex" with Monica argument?  What is it with pols?

Don't think it's ok if you are in love.  Don't think it's ok if you are not in love either.

affairs are never acceptable.

JLK is right, I don't really have anything to say beyond what she posted. 

No affair under ANY circumstances is acceptable.  If you are not happy, not fullfilled, etc than GET OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE BEFORE YOU START ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP!  Being in love or not with the person does not matter in the slightest...it is still wrong.