Poll: Does Love Make A Difference?

I voted "no" because I don't believe affairs are OK either way in a normal marriage. But in the open-marriage/swinger case, I think I'd say the behavior is unacceptable only if love is involved. But never having lived that lifestyle, I can only guess as to the "normal" constraints. I envision I would be upset under that scenario if my wife treated anyone as more than a friend and sex partner, though.

But I'll confess all this talk about "emotional affairs" has left me a bit befuddled about what constitutes an "affair". I used to think it was just sex, but after reading posts here and taking a quick look at the book "NOT Just Friends" (search Amazon books if you want), I think I've changed that opinion. I'd now say an affair is whenever you are getting something outside of the marriage that you should be getting from your spouse.

This addresses a bit the questions 2much42long asked. If your spouse/marriage should be giving you something, but isn't (can't or won't), I think not getting that "something" is part of the deal. Going outside the marriage to get that missing something could be a deal-breaker in your spouse's eyes. For me, that's the case, and the "something" was/is having open stress-free communication (connectedness, if you like) over lunch.

An affair is an affair, if you are turning to someone else other than your spouse to fulfill a need they can't fill for you, then that's an affair plain and simple.  If you have feelings for someone else and act on them that's cheating.  People can sugar coat it all they want, but usually the people who do sugar coat it to make it sound "okay to do" are the ones who are doing it and they are trying to justify their behavior.  Once you take vows with someone you say for better or for worse, not "until someone better comes along".  Alot of people cheat just because they are in lust not love and their hormones kick in or maybe their marriage has lost that excitement it once had so they justify the affair for that reason, but whatever you call it, it's an affair!