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7/21/2008 11:08:24 PM

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My Ex is trying to be the mother of my childern

Is their any good advice for a women who over steps her boundaries?

My son and daughter just got back from their dads and his fiance tries to be the mother too my children.  I am a great mom who is fully devoted to my kids I volunteer at school, sports, take them to counseling and I am very involved in my children.  I take them on regular check ups too the doctor and the dentist my son and daughter just got there haircut before they went to there dads and my ex's fiance took my daughter to get her hair cut a week ago and it looks awful the layers are really short and it looks terrible I have told them several times that she is not the mom I will be responsible for them.

Can anyone give me advise on a women who is hostile to my kids and her and my ex husband run me down all the time calling me names in front of my kids and telling my kids that I am a horrible mom and that I am a bitch and that I am fat and lazy coming from being abused by my ex husband for six years and now dealing with his fiance who acts just like him.  I have stood up to her and him and they don't seem to listen she tells me she knows it all because she has been divorced before the whole thing is I have not deprived my childern of nothing and have fully supported them threw all of it.

My attorney tells me that his fiance has nothing to do with this situation and that if his fiance was smart she would stay out of it.  How can I explain it that I am a good mom, and that there is no reason for her to get involved  I don't tell her how to be a parent to her kids and then I get reports from friends that when my kids are at there dads they don't watch them they run all over town without any adult supervision and these are kids under 10. 

Could someone please give me good advise on how to deal with this women and my ex?

by taylor   20 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2008 11:08 PM

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Comments for "divorce360.com | My Ex is trying to be the mother of my childern"  (9) (You must be logged in to answer)

Thanks everyone for your help we have been seeing a counselor for the last year and the counselor is very concerned with my kids.

My ex started living with his girlfriend before we were even divorced and he lied to the court about it.

My attorney keeps telling me that we need really good evidence to take to the court and to just ignore them and enjoy my kids everyday and focus on being a great mom.

I get told that they are in a hostile environment and we are back to going to the counselor once a week  to help me and the kids.

I am over him but I can't believe that he would just let her be mean to his kids and just sit their and do nothing.

I will not back down and I will stand strong and defend my kids and myself!

by taylor   20 Posts
Posted on 7/18/2008 9:53 PM

mtn -- if she lives with him and it has gone on for a while, a morals clause won't be allowed as it is implied that she consents - also , that would mean her bf couldn't stay with her - and I'll bet that is something she wouldn't want.

No, as a gf she doesn't have rights per se - but when she is with your ex, he has the right to give her rights in his home - he is in comtrol of what goes on there - and when she becomes a step-mother - she will have rights as a parent. If your attorney thinks she doesn't, why aren't you in court over it? I feel as if you are being told that just to try to make you feel better. tell your attorney to take action if they feel what she is doing can be handled by the court in your area - I'm worried you wont like the outcome.

I don't suggest running to social services on this - because what if real abuse happens? What if on this you are just told you are crying wolf - and there is nothing they can do - you don't want to use social services to try to solve what you perceive as a power struggle between his soon to be wife and yourself. Because if something REALLY happens, they will not take you as seriously.

Your kids aren't in danger, they are just not very sensative people - you can't "fix" that. 

they aren't just your kids, if your ex wants one of them to have a hair cut, or lets his fiance take them, he has that right.

You will always be mom - there is no substituting or replacing you - this is more a strike to your ego, pride and esteem than anything - I think all of you, you and your kids should explore the idea of counseling.

If a therapist thinks they are truly being emotionally damaged, you will at least have that as evidence in court - if your attorney chooses to persue it. Otherwise it is your word against his and your kids won't have a voice in court unless you have professional testimony.

by spaznskitz   11339 Posts
Posted on 7/15/2008 3:43 PM

Spaznskitz is right.  You can't control what goes on in his home.  But, you can take measures to reduce the bull from the situation.  I have called Social Services and asked for my children's rights.  The law is big on that.  Maybe not in divorce court, but the state will help.  Weigh your options carefully as you don't want to look desperate and in the biz of being a pain.  Remember that the world at large is not fully aware of domestic abuse yet.  Have you considered writing your experience down and submitting it to magazines or in editorials to help raise awareness?  It is cheap therapy and will help someone else and yourself as you delve into the subject.  Women shelters may help you with answers as well.
by mommah   2 Posts
Posted on 7/15/2008 10:35 AM

My ex is marrying his mistress (Number 16) and I have to tell you what I have been told by my NE attorney and Social Worker. She better not sleep with him during his visitation. Even living together could be problematic. They can't force them to call her Mom.  He could end up with supervised visitation if he continues to argue and badmouth you in front of the kids. If the young kids are unsupervised, you could call that in to your local police station anonomously. Be careful, as you will be considered the bitter ex. Safety should be the number one concern. If they are in danger, they need to be protected. Call a social worker, a psychologist, whoever can help. Document all the time. Get your kids counselling immediately. Get them seen after a visit so they vent to a pro- not yourself. If the kids are being emotionally beat up, ask your attorney about getting a restraining order against the fiancee for your kids and list all the things she is pulling. This could help your case next time you go into court. Always ask an attorney. I call an attorney every so often and get a free fifteen minute consultation. That way if three attorneys give me the same answer, my odds go up they are right on with the judge. Sometimes you can write a letter to the judge. One girl I knew did this and the judges' eyes were opened finally. When you do any of this after being advised by an attorney, never use name calling or inflammatory tones of voice. Be calm and clear headed to get the end results your kids need, want, and deserve.Never badmouth them to your kids. Love them, comfort them, definitely. You must be the nun, the bigger person. Find a church group in your area, as they can offer support, and be character witnesses even. Document the heck out of the kids' reactions. Be careful not to manipulate their thinking. Courts eat you alive if you even remotely seem to do this. When you are in court, dress like you are the conservative June Cleaver. Look very maternal. Good luck...
by mommah   2 Posts
Posted on 7/15/2008 10:28 AM

Oopss, meant ex's fiance..not finance..hehe sorry
by mtnvly   4119 Posts
Posted on 7/15/2008 9:51 AM

Question...are they staying there overnight with her there? That is a huge no-no. I speak from experience here.
That could get some of his visitation revoked if you take him to court.
In my bf's separation agreement is states they the parents will denigrate the other. If the kids say it is going on and youhave witnesses it may also cause him problems if you take him to court.
I am in your ex's finaces shoes at this point. I would not try to take the kids away from their mom. I am sorry that you are going thru this....
Talk to your lawyer...
by mtnvly   4119 Posts
Posted on 7/15/2008 9:50 AM

My attorney has told me she has no rights to my kids even when they do get married and that she should not be sticking her nose were it doesn't belong.

The hole problem is that her and my ex fight all of the time in front of my kids and tell them that it is there fault and she has told me that the kids don't have to come there.  She calls me up all the time and runs me down to my face in front of my kids and she is as hostile as my ex husband.

I don't agree that she has any legal rights and in my eyes I don't want nothing to do with her.  I don't put my boyfriend in the middle of this and he doesn't boss my kids around.

There father should be the parent!  My kids tell me that they hardly see there dad when they are there and she doesn't pay attention to them she makes them live outside most of the time and lets them run all over town without any adult supervision.  I don't think that is being a parent.  My kids come home angry and tell me they hate going there and all they do is yell at them and fight.  Doesn't sound like a very good environment!

by taylor   20 Posts
Posted on 7/15/2008 9:40 AM

Ok - here's the thing - you can't control what goes on in your ex's home - you can't control what he does with the kids or what is said, and you can't control her.

It sucks but it is true.

If your kids come to you about things they say, then you talk to the kids about it - resisting the urge to say something nasty about your ex or his fiance right back. You explain that some people say things to be mean, but the best thing to do is to ignore them - it's called being the bigger person. You can teach your children a great lesson in how you handle things like this.

Hair cuts and the like, again, you have zero control - they are in your ex's care - and if he allows her to take the kids to get haircuts, or anything else for that matter - it's him giving the permission, and as their dad, he has that right. Hiar grows back.

She is about to marry your ex. When she does, she will have full legal right as a parent like your ex does. She will be able to do the things that your husband can do (take them to school, dr appts etc) and you will not be able to control it - and as far as I can tell, your ex has put her by his permission in that role already.


I'm sure you are a very good mom - but you can't keep her out of your children's lives and the sooner you accept her for the step-mother she is about to be - the better.

by spaznskitz   11339 Posts
Posted on 7/15/2008 2:07 AM

Sorry first time posting I ment my ex's fiance.
by taylor   20 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2008 11:11 PM

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