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Is Divorce Really a Problem?

The following is a journal entry that I posted last week. I thought more people might get a chance to see it if I posted it as a dilemma. I'd be interested in knowing what other people think about this idea.

I'm convinced that the skyrocketing divorce rate is not a problem. It is an overdue solution to a problem that has existed for a very long time. I'm certain that there are no more "bad marriages" now than there were 60 years ago. It's just that 60 years ago, people didn't do anything about them. The times were different. Roles were more clearly defined, and as long as partners performed their roles adequately, their marriage was okay. Couples were dependent on each other, not for love as much as security. Really good marriages were still rare, but you had a whole lot of unhappy marriages, with no true and lasting love in them, that stayed that way. But with the women's movement, equal rights, sexual equality, and an economy that encourages both partners to work (all of which are good things) the roles of husbands and wives have changed. They are no longer clearly defined. As a result, love, not security, has become the binding component of the marriage. Compatibility has become essential. And where love and compatibility don't exist, there is nothing to hold the marriage together, except pride and stubbornness, both of which are negative qualities. The culture has also changed. Fewer people are too proud to admit when they're wrong. More people are willing to acknowledge their mistakes and try again. What we haven't figured out is where children fit into all of this. If we could figure that out, I'd bet that the divorce rate would take another big jump.

I once heard about the results of an informal radio survey. 85% of the respondents who were married less than 15 years replied that, if they had it to do over again, they would not marry the same person. I think that may be close to correct. Imagine that. If 50% of marriages end in divorce, 70% of the ones that remain could be unhappy. That's a lot of miserable people who are staying together "for the kids", or "because God says it's wrong", or for some other reason. No wonder mental health is such a problem. I can't imagine there are enough counselors to go around.

by 2much42long 3031 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 10:07 PM

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Comments for "divorce360.com | Is Divorce Really a Problem?" (9) (You must be logged in to answer)

I think TV leads people to believe that life isn't about how much happiness you bring to the one you love. It is more less how much happiness can I bring to myself. Marriages with out TV would probably be better off in a sense that marriage isn't about two self-serving people coexisting together always putting their own needs ahead of their spouses. TV packages these selfish behaviors and sells it as the perfect life that never encounters a problem (if you do encounter a problem, the "dump em and get a new one" attitude prevails!) The problems in marriages have always been there, how we deal with them is what's changing. I think TV sets the status quo for the majority of today's marriages not the other way around. What's coming next is that people will not be getting married instead they will temporarily shack up with the flavor of the month because it requires little or no commitment from either party and moving on to the next thing that makes us happy will be a synch. TV has people believing they can have their cake and eat it too, which never seems to work out for the vast majority of us. I'm not saying everyone buys into it as they see it. I'm just saying that there is without a doubt an enormous influence at work here. Sometimes it can be good but more often than not it's bad and many people are unable to distinguish the two.

by blee 96 Posts
Posted on 7/6/2008 8:44 PM

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Thanks for the input, blee. Are you saying that the media is actually making people less compatible or marriages more unhappy, or just that it is making divorce appear as a more acceptable option, reducing the social stigma? Do you think that, if it wasn't for TV, marriages would really be happier, or just that divorce would be less popular?

by 2much42long 3031 Posts
Posted on 6/29/2008 11:56 AM

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Don't forget the big rectangle in the living room. I think pop culture and the media project a perfect life as the norm these days. Topically you notice shows promoting being single with no responsibilities beyond their own needs. Monogamy and the family life is projected as a drag. Partying, switching partners every two years, exotic travel, make overs, and looking like the next top model is what we are all missing out on (according to tinsel town). Now we all just need to figure how we are supposed to catch up with the rest of the world. Why work at trying to make someone else happy when it takes half the effort to make ourselves happy. (if kids are involved, no problem because now its just plain weird having a two parent family any more (just watch the disney channel!). It wont be long and marriage will be considered old fashioned. I know lets all move in to the big brother house (problem solved). ;)

Sorry for the sarcastic rant.....

by blee 96 Posts
Posted on 6/28/2008 10:24 PM

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I think you hit the nail on the head. Years ago time was spent sitting on the porch swing and doing family chores together. We had many stay at home moms...who took care of the children.
Our efforts to keep up with the "Jones" pretty house or nice car threw us into working moms and babysitters( someone else raising our kids) Not to mention trying to keep our kids involved in things that will keep them focused away from all the drugs and gangs that we now deal with. Probably that could even be traced back to both parents working and not being able to make sure our kids were raised right.
Now we are in a fast paced world where everyone (even my kids) has a cell phone. We buy our kids nice cars so they are the cool ones, and they all wear the latest fashions so they can be accepted.
Our daughters run around half naked...we are too busy to notice.
It would be nice to go back to the world of a glass of lemonade on the porch or under the big shade tree. Where family values were important for everyone and more time was spent on relationships instead of in front of the tv or computer. Nice and calm...seems we have missed the mark. Everyone wants their own way...it is all about me. If I can't get along with you then I will just divorce you...
Commitments are now just words to many. It used to be we stood behind it...
Sad ....very sad!

by mtnvly 3539 Posts
Posted on 6/28/2008 12:03 PM

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Science, I think your describing the life of 60 years ago that 2much is referring to exactly. I always wondered what made those families work? They lived in little house with lots of children and everyone worked together. Yes our culture has changed, most are not satisfied and thankful for what they have and want more, the bigger house, the luxury car,the big pay check, etc. only to make ourselves sick and stressed. Its a revolving door between Heaven and Hell.

by asim 775 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2008 7:32 AM

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I think it will require a cultural overall to fix this issue. Our cultural puts to much unrealistic pressure on marriage and makes marriage a fairy tale. Some other culturals are more pragmatic about marriage. They understand the utility and convenience it brings.

They also provide more over all family support to help. In my opionin we would be much better off if we would acknowledge our problems with each and our families before they become so big that the only answer left is counseling and divorce.

by science2748 18 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 11:40 PM

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But so many can't become whole, secure, and loving. They don't have the capacity or desire to change. They just move from one relationship to another making a mess out of everyones life.
But asim it is nice to dream of a perfect world for a while. Even to try to have that perfect life.

by trisha9054 4967 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 11:17 PM

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Asim, you are so right. Unfortunately, I fear you are dreaming. Too many people are selfish, controlling, insecure, and just plain mean. And young people are too quick to get married. They need to learn to become whole, secure, loving human beings before they decide to spend their lives with someone else. But listen to me, now I'M dreaming.

by 2much42long 3031 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 10:50 PM

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I think your absolutely right. I think that mutual love, respect, kindness and understanding and truly giving of yourself to your spouse would change those numbers. We are always thinking of what we want and if both spouses put the other first both would be happy. Am I dreaming? or had too much wine?

by asim 775 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 10:21 PM

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