2 Posts

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Thanks mtnvly, I guess its gonna be a long trip for me as I'm dealing with someone who is unreasonable and miserable. I know that oneday my kid will choose where she wants to be and I'm certain its with me. We are a big family with lots of kids and where my daughter is living now, there are only "adults". We go head on in court September, hopefully the Justice system will not only grant me my access, but also send my ex for a mental evaluation, because these illusions this woman is having are scary.

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4 Posts

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One last comment to sdchargers13, since I exceeded my characters in that past message!

I too, so not want to come across to you as uncaring, or criticizing.  (you can only write so much in this post!)

 

Since they were still married, legally, and yes, it has only been a short while, I have been sensitive to that.  I have remained quiet and uninvolved, but she involves me (or tries to) and I still try my best to stay out. For example:

• Her parents went to my parent's home to talk about by BF and how terrible he was etc etc (all hearsay, their opinion, yet to be seen by me)
• she called CAS on him, including me by association, again, unfounded because there was really nothing wrong, CAS dismissed the claim and allowed me to leave my child out of it because they figured it was because she was bitter
• she demanded to see the inside of our home, and that if I was any kind of a decent mother, I would understand (it's called an invasion of privacy, she has no business being in our home)

These are just a few.  And I have done nothing. But sit back, and let her vent so to speak. For that reason you mentioned, because they are still legally married. Again, a formailty. Just a matter of time.But now, legally married or not, I don't care.  Whee on earth do you draw the line? WOuld you do this sort of thing with your ex because you were hurting? Probably not. Do you think she is justified? I think that since I go out of my way to remain univolved, and she deliberately does things to involve me, then I am sorry, but I will have to disagree.  I have every right to assert myself, because now she is causing my daughter to question her behaviour.  (and believe me...we try HARD to keep my girl out of loop - I don't want her involved at all whatsoever. This is grown-up stuff)

Again, sorry if I sound harsh.  Just frustrated with my current situation is all.  Thank you for your post, it means a lot to have your perspective. I wish you well.

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4 Posts

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Hi, this comment is in reply to sdchargers13. Whether a person is legaly divorced, is just a formailty. Unfortunately, it is usually the case that one spouse ends the marriage before the other is ready to let it go. In this situation, the marriage was over long before the legal separation date. Alcohol and a meddling mother-in-law are the major contributing factors, and certainly something that she knew were a cause driving them apart and chose to dismiss it. My BF had moved on emotionally, and as harsh as it sounds, it is not my responsibility to be sensitive to her feelings. If I thought for one second that he had feelings that needed to be resolved, I would have not got involved, or backed off entirely. She chose to ignore his cry for help and tossed back the life preserver when the marriage was sinking. He is sensitive to her as not to rub salt in the wound by flaunting me in her face - he is very conscious of that, because she is still hurting. But in this situation, you reap what you sow. I trust that your situation was much different, and the only similarity here is that your ex seemed to have moved on before you were ready. I am sorry for that, and I know first hand that it can be difficult. But I have learned that it is extremely counter productive, and a waste of energy to focus anger and blame on the new woman, because at the end of the day, she probably sees me as the one thing that has sealed the deal on them ever getting back together. But that is her perspective only. He would have never went back to her, because the marriage was over long before it actually ended. How much time is needed for healing? That can only be determined on an individual basis. If she was still hurting from the divorce 1 yr from today, does that mean he would have to continue to consider her feelings B4 he entered another relationship? Feelings don't go away just because a divorce is final, so why is that the majical time for her to stop hurting and stay out of our business?

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4 Posts

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Ahh things just get better. Since my initial post about my bf's ex, she has really outdone herself.  A few days after she called my guy to sing "happy anniversary" regarding one year of them being separated, her and her mother were out for a drive one afternoon (killing time before picking up her son at daycare, which we pay half of) and called her ex critique our lawn care.  Her mother, the one doing the talking with her in teh background laughing, was commenting on our neigborhood, and whether it was prone to theft, since she notice we locked our front door. Also, she commented that we needed some hanging plants, and that the lawn needed a trim. Who does that? Where will it end? Then on the Sunday, she showed up over an hour early for pick up and granted, the child was not ready to go, so as my bf was going through getting shoes, coat and stuffed toy collected, the little guy wanted to show mommy the movie that was on, and she took it upon her self to walk through our house as if she owned it.

So, I have had enough.  I sent her an email, asking to set an example for all of our kids, and be the adult.  Her and I are meeting for coffee tomorrow.  SHe carries on as if nothing is wrong.  SHe demands that we pay full-support child support, as if she is going to get full custody of the boy (which has yet to be determined) and yet this past month, we had him more than she did.....but still paid her as if he was the sole custodial parent (he is going for joint and shared)

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51 Posts

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Hi...this comment is for Honey.  I think I owe you a huge apology for my posting on the 19th.  I couldn't stop thinking about what you'd written so tonight I came back to re-read what you'd said.  Sometimes I can really be a ditz....and my remarks were made under the assumption that your boyfriend and his (ex) wife were still married - although separated.  I can see now that I made a terrible mistake by misreading the situation - and the status of the marriage....in addition to coming across as a very opinionated, bitter woman.  I can't un-do the post, but I hope you can forgive my blunder.  I seem to be having quite a few moments of temporary insanity these days....and this one was a doosie.  Please accept my apology - I hope you were able to get some 'good' advice from the others who read your story....(:

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51 Posts

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Hi...I know this may sound a little bitter, but I have a difficult time empathizing with the current love interest of a man who is not yet divorced.  You see....merely being  separated does not close the door on the marriage; if it did, my husband would consider himself 'home free'.  Please understand that I'm not judging or criticizing you....I'm just letting you know that for me, this site is a place where I can go for advice and support - and whenever I read stories such as yours it brings back all of the hurt and memories of what my husband has done - and is still doing - to destroy both myself and our marriage.  Having said this, it's my personal opinion that you, as the current woman in your boyfriend's life, are not entitled to complain about a situation that involves his wife until his marital status changes from 'separated' to 'divorced'.  It's hard enough to get through the pain of a failed marriage without having to also deal with current issues with the 'girlfriend'. 

Please forgive my bluntness...but this is a huge issue for me and I am very passionate about the way I feel.  If I'm out of line, I apologize....and if that's the case, perhaps this is not really the place for me to visit while I'm trudging through the misery of being on my own again.  I sincerely hope you understand and are not offended.

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15 Posts

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like u said ,she is hurt and angry.but there is no need for all of the things she is doing.but are u telling the truth about not seeing him when they was together?u arent in her shoes right now!my ex cheated on me when we was married and the other bitch didnt mind it!i had proof of him cheating.shes really hurt right now and its something she has to deal with.when she does wake up and realize what shes done .he needs to sit down and talk to her and tell her she needs to stop.he needs to do it by himself,than if that dont work.write down everytime she calls and the date and time she calls ,what day and what has been said.so that way when u go to the court house to get something done about it u have the proof wrote down.trust me it works!he needs to keep a notebook and write down everything.cause it will stand in court.or u write down everything.good luck

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