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3/24/2008 10:41:37 PM

Read more posts in group: Should I Stay or Should I Go



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I want to leave but I don't want to hurt my wife.

We have been married for over 18 years and the marriage has been very unromantic the whole time. The lack of romance has become unbearable for me. I'm to the point where I don't even want to work on it any more. Yesterday I asked her if she loved me and she couldn't say she did. She just said she cares about me and wants to work on saving the marriage. She started crying and it broke my heart. We can't say we love each other and I have no desire to work on this any longer. I'm ready to leave and begin a new happier chapter of my life but yet I don't want to hurt her. What do I do? 

by RichBrewer   214 Posts
Posted on 3/17/2008 9:41 PM

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Comments for "divorce360.com | I want to leave but I don't want to hurt my wife."  (10) (You must be logged in to answer)

I should have listened to your advice. Instead I have been pretty down. I don't know what to do! I think I need to get on with this and stop thinking about it!
by RichBrewer   214 Posts
Posted on 3/21/2008 9:00 PM

Believe me, it helps me to know others feel as I do also.  Thats what this site is all about...helping each other...much better than trying to do it alone.

Do something just to make yourself happy tomorrow.  It doesn't need to be anything big, just something that makes you smile.  It helps.

Thank you for your support and encouragement also.
by starr1   187 Posts
Posted on 3/19/2008 11:36 PM

It is so encouraging to hear some one else who feels like I do. I don't feel so alone through all of this.
I think I have done all that I can do. Certainly all that I want to do. Time to move on

No kidding about change being scary. This is going to be tough for me. I've never been much for change so it is going to be very stressful.  I will not let that stop me though. One day at a time sounds like a good plan for now. It all seems so overwhelming to me.
Starr thank you once again for the kind words and encouragement. It really helps.
by RichBrewer   214 Posts
Posted on 3/19/2008 10:09 PM

Rich,  I can relate to everything you are saying.  I also was mad at myself for letting things go on for so long.  It is not easy (at all) to let years of being with another just slip away.  At times I would actually feel a pain in my chest, when I would think about ending the marriage.  I know I made the right decision, but it was very hard for me. 

I agree with you, I never want to live like that again.  If you know in your heart you have done everything possible to salvage your marriage, there is nothing more to do.  It takes 2.

Change is very scary and a real challenge.  Be good to yourself, take each day as it comes.  I know this site has really helped me through some bad days.  It has been a Godsend.  Have a good day and let me know how things are going.

by starr1   187 Posts
Posted on 3/19/2008 4:31 PM

The children don't know yet but I'll bet they suspect something. I don't want to drag them into this until the right time. (If there ever is a right time).
I know what you mean about feeling alone. I am as lonely now as I was when I was single. Of course I was happier then...
I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do but it is becoming more and more painful. It would be so much easier to just go back to the way things were but I never want to live like that again. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty mad at myself for letting this go on for as long as it has.
Thank you so much for the kind words.
by RichBrewer   214 Posts
Posted on 3/19/2008 3:58 PM

It sounds like you have really given all of this very serious thought.  I agree with you, there must be love and romance in a marriage, otherwise one might as well have a roommate.  To me there is nothing more lonely than living with someone and still being alone.  It really is no way to live, life is too short.

Divorce is is painful at best.  I don't know why life has to be so hard sometimes.  I try to think of the future in a positive light and with a smile. 

You obviously are a man with morales and care about others, that is a lot to offer the right woman.

Do the children have any idea that you may leave? 

From my own experience, the actual packing and leaving was the hardest.  I asked my husband to leave our home and went to stay with a friend while he did.

My thoughts are with you.  Keep me posted.
by starr1   187 Posts
Posted on 3/18/2008 11:56 PM

She has tried counseling in the past and is going again in two weeks. It didn't work in the past but I really hope it will work this time. I really do want her to be happy some day.

I want and need to be here for my children. That's one of the tough things I'm going through right now. I hate to hurt them too. But I think I need to do this so we will all have to deal with it. If I'm there for them that's all I can do.
Oh believe me the thought of cheating occurred to me more than once. I have just never carried through with it. I'm a very monogamous person but a total lack of love and romance gets really old after awhile.
by RichBrewer   214 Posts
Posted on 3/18/2008 10:42 PM

I'm sorry for your situation, the breakup of a family is never easy.  It sounds like you have tried to make it work and are working on your own issues at this time.  If you really do not want the marriage anymore, maybe it is time to move on.

Has your wife tried counseling for her own issues? 

Whatever your decision is the children are at ages where they need 2 parents.  Whether you are in the home or not, let them know you are still their father. 

I must commend you for trying everything and not going out and having an affair, not many men do that.  Good luck with the future.

by starr1   187 Posts
Posted on 3/18/2008 10:56 AM

We have 3 children. 17 year old boy and 14 year old twins. Boy/girl.
We have never had much romance at all and none for some 13 years now. We are thinking about counseling but I'm seeing a therapist right now and she thinks it is a waste of time. I do to really. I have lost interest in getting back what little we had. I have spent my whole life worrying about everyone else's feelings at the expense of my own. I need to start thinking about my feelings now before it is too late. I'll be 50 this year and time is wasting.
Having said all that, I don't want to hurt my wife. She is a good person who just doesn't have the ability to love someone.
by RichBrewer   214 Posts
Posted on 3/18/2008 10:23 AM

You did not mention children, are there any?


Was there romance in the beginning, if so what took it away?  Have you tried marriage counseling, is it an option?You obviously care about her feelings, and she is willing to save the marriage.


I guess I would probably make sure I had done everything to put romance in the marriage before letting it go.

Best of luck to both of you.

by starr1   187 Posts
Posted on 3/17/2008 11:28 PM

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