Lonely- and venting
I just feel so lonely. I lost all of my friends through this. I don't have anyone here to talk to. I can't talk with my parents because they will judge me for even considering divorce. I will have to talk to them sooner or later, but I am not strong enough to stand against them at this point. I could talk with her parents about it, they know what is going on. But talking about divorce makes people take sides, and I don't want animosity from anybody. I certainly don't expect her parents to sympathize with me no matter how wrong they think she is.
All I want is to be held, and told that I'll be ok. Even if it's a lie, I just need to feel compassion from someone else. What I want more than anything is to feel that from her, but I know it's not going to happen. So much of my time and energy this past year has been spent trying to change myself for her. Now I've decided that I failed. I'm tired of trying and feeling like I've lost parts of myself. I'm left with a decision that I don't want to make because there is no happy ending. I talked with a family law attorney, just to get a handle on the process, our assets and what is ours, mine and hers according to CA law. I did it without telling her. After the conversation, I recoiled from my resolve to leave. Just because of the permanence of it all. I went to her and tried to reconnect, but got nothing from her, only her poisoned view of reality. I keep searching for where I went wrong, what I could have done differently, what I still can do differently. I keep coming to the same conclusion, it wasn't me at all. I was lied to and cheated on, and she didn't do enough to attempt to regain my trust, in fact she continually acted in ways which made me trust her less, not more. And when confronted about it, she would tell me that I was wrong. No matter how this goes down, It's going to be a long time before I'm ok, isn't it?