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Lonely- and venting 

I just feel so lonely. I lost all of my friends through this. I don't have anyone here to talk to. I can't talk with my parents because they will judge me for even considering divorce. I will have to talk to them sooner or later, but I am not strong enough to stand against them at this point. I could talk with her parents about it, they know what is going on. But talking about divorce makes people take sides, and I don't want animosity from anybody. I certainly don't expect her parents to sympathize with me no matter how wrong they think she is.
All I want is to be held, and told that I'll be ok. Even if it's a lie, I just need to feel compassion from someone else. What I want more than anything is to feel that from her, but I know it's not going to happen.
So much of my time and energy this past year has been spent trying to change myself for her. Now I've decided that I failed. I'm tired of trying and feeling like I've lost parts of myself. I'm left with a decision that I don't want to make because there is no happy ending.
I talked with a family law attorney, just to get a handle on the process, our assets and what is ours, mine and hers according to CA law. I did it without telling her. After the conversation, I recoiled from my resolve to leave. Just because of the permanence of it all. I went to her and tried to reconnect, but got nothing from her, only her poisoned view of reality.
I keep searching for where I went wrong, what I could have done differently, what I still can do differently. I keep coming to the same conclusion, it wasn't me at all. I was lied to and cheated on, and she didn't do enough to attempt to regain my trust, in fact she continually acted in ways which made me trust her less, not more. And when confronted about it, she would tell me that I was wrong.
No matter how this goes down, It's going to be a long time before I'm ok, isn't it?
by AllYourBass  19 Posts 

Posted on 4/22/2012 2:09 AM
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Comments for "Lonely- and venting"  (16) (You must be logged in to answer)

I'm so sorry for your pain. You can do this, and you have it within you to be OK. You are worthy of love exactly as you are, and shouldn't have to try so hard to change yourself to suit someone else's wishes. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you for you. 
You are going to be OK.
by StrongMDG   9 Posts
Posted on 3/26/2015 3:37 PM

I feel the same way you do. What could I have done better or said. I have taken responsibility that it takes two to make a marriage work. IF only one is willing to work on it then it will eventually turn into resentment from the other. My separation is 2 weeks fresh and I am still dealing with all those issues, while he moved on a few months ago. I suggest you do what is best for you despite your feelings. You cannot make someone change if they are unwilling to even give it a shot. Good luck!
by Judeith   12 Posts
Posted on 6/26/2014 11:52 AM

My heart aches for you because I have been there.  First - don't OVER - estimate your family's reaction.  They love you and they will want what is best for you and your children.  Second - it is going to take a while for you to be "okay."  But technically, you are okay now.  You're just in pain and confused by all that has happened.  When you're in the midst of this and all you see, all you feel is the pain, the loss it's difficult to focus.  Here's the happy news for you . . . maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day a week from now, a month from now, a year from now . . . . you're going to wake up in the morning and she/them, will not be the first thing on your mind.  You will wake up and admire the sun coming in your window and think of what you'll have for breakfast, and a million other things.  It won't be until a few moments or a few hours that you'll realize, she was not the first thought in your head.  And then you'll know - you're okay.  Your decision, as painful as it was, was a courageous one.  I used to be the person who thought those that stayed in a failing marriage were cowards.  It was the most difficult thing I've ever attempted to do and when I knew he wouldn't hold his end up, I knew I had to end it with him.  That's courageous.  Two years post-divorce and I'm happier than I've been in 30 years.  You're going to be okay - I promise.
by geauxmlmk   1 Post
Posted on 3/4/2014 4:36 PM

Hi Bass! Your question - No matter how this goes down, It's going to be a long time before I'm ok, isn't it? has struck a chord. I'm new to this group and I can see that everyone here is really caring and thoughtful. And they're right - divorce is hell. My separation in July of 11' marked the beginning of a terrifying and enlightening journey. I've spent the last 2+ years researching, talking with many people and have come to the conclusion that there is a gentler, kinder approach to life after marriage. It doesn't matter what age you are, income bracket, race, gender, etc. What does matter is the engineering of your legacy. Imagine if tomorrow was your last day - how will people remember you? Is it representative of the true you? Try to connect with the vision you had of your future when you were a young adult. Exhilarating, right? Everything seemed possible then. As we make our way through the years, layers of fear fray the edges of our resilience - but I promise, it's possible to reclaim your hardiness if you are dedicated to it. I think the greatest catalyst for change for me was my children. I was in a dark place and it really bothered me to have them see me like that. In the midst of it all I remember thinking - "wow, if today were my last day on earth my children would remember a mom that was overcome with sadness and no zest for life." Now I work hard to be a force of nature that my children can be proud of." I've turned my experience into a business that helps men experiencing life changes such as divorce. I've witnessed transformations first hand and it's a joy. It's been in the doing good for others, focusing on reconnecting with my true self that has changed my life from a focus of my failed marriage to anything is possible. I work out 1-1/2 hrs each day, eat healthy, maintain strong relationships with my children, enjoy a healthy social life and work hard in my business. It's a good life that consistently gets better. As you make your way through the next phase, let me know if I can be of any help. Be good to yourself ~ Andie
by AndieDay   1 Post
Posted on 1/13/2014 5:50 PM

We don't have kids but have been together since 1990 lonely isn't the word I can't move nor breathe I'm so sick I know how u feel I am loosing my grasp most likely I'm going to check myself in to the hospital it's to much all alone I hve just been putting it off but it is consuming me I wish u nvr had to feel this my worst enemy I wouldn't want this for
by Maris   2 Posts
Posted on 12/15/2013 10:51 AM

I feel your pain. I just going through my divorce and the last couple of years I was trying so hard to be the wife he wanted. But he was fighting to find a replacement for me and it hurt so bad. Now I know why fight to change yourself if the love you they loved as you are. I am fighting to get back up on feet. But I know what does'nt kill us makes only stronger
by Jennpearl   22 Posts
Posted on 8/8/2013 11:39 AM

I can't tell how much of your story is similar to mind.  Right now all I want is to be held, just a little hug, like you.  I, too, have 2 children and with that said you know that there is no true "me" time and absolutely no room to be selfish and self-absorded.  I give and give to them so that they know that I love them with every thing in me.  My STBX and I sat them down yesterday and told them about our separation.  Just about the separation.  I didn' tell them that sometimes mom just wants to be alone or that mom wants to stay in bed sometimes until 3 in the afternoon, shower and then watch tv all day.  That's not what they need to hear, but trust me, that what I feel on certain days.  No matter what, though, I know that because my parents, my sisters, my brother, aunts, and uncles now know that the man that we all once placed on this platinum pedestal doesn't deserve to be there anymore.  He broke my heart and is still doing so as he places no thought to how his affair and current actions have belittled, disrespected, and humiliated me.  He struts around as if the affair and the lies never took place.  Our children don't know and of course they won't know while they are still underage to handle such news.  But I can't tell you how I want to say to his "people" that he is a low-down, dirty, lying, cheatin, SOB who used my love for and trust of him against me.  He took what I though we were first as best friends as we moved from our birthplaces together to build our lives in a new state 1200 miles away from everyone and everything we were familiar with  then as husband and wife as we started our family then a prospering business together and used it all against me.  I loved and trusted him with everything in my being and he still can't seem to give me the respect that I deserve. But, my family knows who I am and that I deserve better, so they are backing me every step of the way. 
So, listen when I say that your family will be there for you.
Stay strong.
by BOver   36 Posts
Posted on 7/8/2013 12:02 PM

Im just at the start of all the hurt and pain.I have spent the past six years trying to be the woman that my husband always wanted.Well in short i have failed!We started growing apart shortly after being married two years ago.On our first year anv, i over heard him tell a friend he wished he wasn't married,then on our second anv he said he was thinking of cheating on me and i should be glad he told me, well I WASN'T! But during this time i tried to tell him many times i felt us becoming distant,and after seeing he no longer heard me,i ended up in the arms of another man.This man started out as a friend,and someone i was helping through hard times,and in return he was there for me in mine.Well a month ago he found out about my friend and i.Now i came back, he said it was over and he wanted me home,im now home and he has made it clear he can't move past,which i get, but then why have me here?I think we have tried,and we cannot move forward.
by kat38   2 Posts
Posted on 9/26/2012 1:31 PM

Bass - I know how you feel.  My wife also cheated on me and told so many lies to cover it, I reached a point where I didn't know who she was anymore.  I'm almost two months from when I got final confirmation of her infidelity and asked her for a divorce. I went back and forth on trying to reconcile if I could get to a point where I could trust her again.  I'm past that now.  It still hurts and will hurt for a long time but regardless of how much I loved her and the really good times we once shared, the bottom line now is that she is a lar, a cheat, and a coward (for not facing her problems with me...instead just having an affair). There is no amount of spin on what SHE was going through to avoid those three labels.  Once I started to see that, I no longer wanted to reconcile.  Getting past that point is significant.  You and I still have a long way to go...mainly just getting through the hurt and starting our lives over (as of now, I'm still at home with her and our two kids because neither of us could get our own places right away...August is the true separation time).  I'm still waiting to start my new life...I feel like I'm in a bit of limbo right now but I know it's going to get better.  You should know that too.
by Kevin360   23 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2012 8:33 AM

This was like reading my own words, except I never use lonely I feel more just alone. Yes it will be awhile before your ok, I'm still NO WHERE near that.
by Jayde   19 Posts
Posted on 7/5/2012 11:56 PM

Hii Bass there may be many issues that will arise after your divorce. With knowledge of the proper way to handle these issues, you can make sure that you and your interests are protected after divorce. You would need to know the modification of orders and modification of support if you do have a child. You need to keep detailed record of everything to help resolve potential disputes between you and your wife. Keep track of the date and amount of each payment, regardless of whether you paid or not. You also need to know the tax information related to after divorce. So trust your law attorney and accountant to help you understand the financial path ahead of you.
by ChristinaHernandez   168 Posts
Posted on 6/27/2012 7:58 AM

HI Bass I can really understand what you are going through. It's always a tough time after a divorce. Things can look gloomy and you might be finding yourself in a dark shell of total emptiness. But you need to get out of it, the more you stick with it more will it be difficult for you to come out of it. It's time for you now to break free. Don't think what your parents feel about you just connect with them after all they are your parents and would certainly help you the best they can. Divorce itself is a stressful process and it surely brings out some sort of mental trauma I know but you have to move on. You need to re focus yourself after all life never gets over with a divorce. Try to meditate, start doing new things to change up your mood, think of doing those things which you could not do for the sake of your marriage. Just give a new start with new dreams and work for it to come true. It's only you who can best help yourself. If you still find tough times you can try some divorce care group and take their advice.
by ChristinaHernandez   168 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2012 3:25 PM

Bass- what I found was that those whom I thought would 
"take sides" never did.  I'm still very much friends with many of the people I used to go to church with- and he still does.  The first time I walked in that building after leaving my now ex, I was showered with more love than I ever thought would happen.  It ticked off my exMIL, but, pretty much everything I do these days pisses her off (and, we've been divorced 3 years as of last Friday).  

So, she cheated and you are supposed to be okay with all of this?  Um, na....I think not.  If she's not willing to change, then, she's not fully vested in your marriage.  I once heard a speaker say that marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, it's 100/100. I know that sounds crazy, but, it made so much sense when he explained it.    When you give 50%, you are expecting your partner to meet you half way- and you wait until that happens.  When you each give 100%, there is no, "Well, he doesn't....she doesn't.."  You just each do.  But, you each have to give all!

DivorceCare is an excellent resource.  I got involved with it and ended up as a very active member of the church that sponsors it.  I have made some great friends because of DivorceCare.  And, because others there are going through or have gone through (many times, veterans of the program come back to visit or facilitate the meetings...), you won't feel judged because you are there.  

by Dactyl   5834 Posts
Posted on 4/22/2012 4:13 PM

Bass, I can't imagine your parents not being supportive of your decision to divorce if you tell them enough of the story - you don't have to go into gory details, but most folks who are anti-divorce would see your wife's choice of lifestyle as a deal-breaker. I get that it's not cheating to the folks who make polyamory a choice - what's on your side here is that the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. My parents, married for 50+ years, are anti-divorce. When I told them what happened in my marriage, I got their support.


Tinder's right - I got similar advice from another on this site when I was new. I made a list of the things I used to enjoy but let go during my marriage. I revisited them and found things that I enjoy. Look up some same sex friends you had before you got married - you may be able to rekindle those friendships.


It's going to be a while before you feel like taking on the world again - DivorceCare is a good thing, as is counseling. None of us hasn't had second thoughts about our divorces. Counseling won't lessen the pain, but it can help you get through the emotional process more efficiently. It's worth looking into, too.


We're here for you.

by NotJulieG   3319 Posts
Posted on 4/22/2012 9:37 AM

Iam is right. You are okay now. You've got all of us here, too. Try divorceCare, I heard it is helpful.  I don't have one close by :( because I am lonely too. We need to develop coping skills to process the painful feelings. Do you walk, read, pray, cry, talk to others, work out, garden, cook, etc.?  I'm learning to do those things, because the only coping skill I had before was to cry. This time, crying isn't enough for me. So like me, you may have to develop your coping skills now for the first time. The BEST thing is Iam's suggestion - talk to others in the same situation. You are NOT alone.  This site proves that. And here is my hug to you. God loves you and so do I
by Tinder   58 Posts
Posted on 4/22/2012 8:45 AM

You're ok now, whether you realize it or not.


Divorce is HELL.  It has been the worst experience of my life, and it continues to hurt.


I strongly suggest finding a Divorce Care group near you.  It's a support group, Christian based and open to all faiths, for people going through any stage of separation or divorce.  You will find skilled facilitators, topics that hit home, and people who can freely discuss what you are going through. 


You can find a group near you at www.divorcecare.org.



by Iam   7316 Posts
Posted on 4/22/2012 7:52 AM

Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.

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