Dark Cloud is Back / Feeling Sorry for Myself & Kids Again 

Again, I am in tears.  And again, nothing can help me. 

I am on Abilify to help my anti-depressants in their battle to get my chemicals balanced.  Maybe worked for a week because I went out and bought myself some new clothes.  2 pairs of jeans and 2 shirts.  Surprised me to find I am a size 2.  Always been smallish but it surprised because I'm getting that fat in the middle but hips are still as boyish as ever.  At first I thought I looked pretty good and gained a bit of self-esteem.  Even thought I could go out sometime if I ever got a kid break.  Well, I have to wear a belt to keep the pants up but a big roll of fat hangs over so I have to wear loose shirts. 

Okay, so what, I'll wear loose shirts.  It's just a reminder that I am 47, alone and feel I don't look good.  Feel like my unattractiveness is confirmed when I go to buy something somewhere and the sales guys seem to not be able to see me anymore.  I have disappeared on so many levels.

I am lonely, frustrated and getting tired of my kids and their CONSTANT needs.  I have finally had to tell my 4 year old to figure his toys out himself, my 7 year old to figure his homework out himself.  I feel my life is being sucked out of me.

I bought a used larger tv with sound that doesn't make me feel like I'm watching a show through a tin can yesterday.  Bought a used DVD player as well.  Took me until today to hook it up for a variety of reasons.  It made me so f-ing angry.  No help anywhere.  I so hate my ex right now. 

Here I am squeezing my fat roll through a crack to get to the back of the tv messing with wires (which I detest) while my oven starts beeping letting me know I'd better get my blueberry muffins out or they're gonna be goners.  So I squeeze out, get them and show my oldest son what I made for him.  He LOVES blueberry muffins.  They were from a mix from Trader Joe's and I added fresh blueberries.  Turns out, he doesn't like the fresh blueberries and prefers the store bought crappy kind.  It just pissed me off and all I could think was "You ungrateful brat!"  I know, I know, terrible but that's how I felt.

Oh, and today...I was out walking my dogs with my youngest son while my oldest was at school.  A guy drives by and waves.  I wave, didn't know who he was but whatever.  He turns around and asks me if I'm Blah Blah's wife.  I gave a non-answer but it indicated that I knew the asshole, at minimum.  So the guys says I'm "Alex and he has known ex for 11 years and worked with him off and on..."  Feeling sarcastic I said "Oh, you must be a drug addict too."  he says oh no, I am a good guy, I don't do that.  Uh huh.  So I try to recall ex talking about Alex and although I recall a few mentions, not enough to be 11 years that this guy says he knows him.  Plus, Alex called ex by his first name when ex always uses his middle name.  He wants to get ahold of ex.  I told him I don't know his number so Alex gives me his card for ex to contact him if he calls here.  I also noticed that there was another guy laying down in the passenger side of his car.  I was getting very uncomfortable.  I started to leave and this Alex says "Ex said a lot of nice things about you...his description of you is right on."  He said this a few times and that was it.  I said well gotta run and almost did.

So it hits me a few hours ago that when I had grilled ex about where he was getting his drugs, he mentioned Alex.  He also had been telling his boss, who confided in me, that he has to get money to pay the "candyman" or he'll be in a lot of trouble.  Now I wonder if this Alex was coming by to get his $$$ and if the guy in his passenger seat was going to be his knee cap re-aligner.  The whole thing made me feel sick.  And this Alex's "compliment" to me made me think he was trying to get to my ego thinking that an old lady with a fat roll over her belt might fall for it and be information-giving putty in his hand. 

Just have enough of this world and excuse me guys, but of men.  So sick of men wanting to help you if they think they can get something out of it.  And, SOOOOOO sick of these old, repulsive farts staring at 16 year old girls.  So sick of not getting help unless you're showing something, childless and twenty.  Just sick of it all.  Sorry.