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how do i stop this chess game without forefeit?

STBX has been fighting me on all sorts of weird fronts and I'm just exhausted. Any time I cooperate it only emboldens him. All of these issues have come to head in the last six to ten days.

Issue 1: Providing care for the children while I am out of town on business. I informed him a month ahead of time the dates I would be unavailable but hardly a week ago he tells me he is travelling during that window as well. I arranged for my mom to come down at considerable expense ($200 in airfare). Well, Friday he tells me he rearranged his business trip at "great political expense." Mind you, he was out of work for three months and just started a new job last month. And now my mom is taking the trouble to fly in for what was three or four nights to spend effectively one night with the girls. gotta love that Right of first refusal (RoFR).

Issue 2: I gave him a victory on Friday. Late Thursday night, he texted me that the 6YO threw up and that I better plan to work from home. I ignored the text. And I ignored the texts he started sending at 4am - he threatened to call the Sheriff on me for "abandoning" the girls when they are sick. Thanks to Spaz's advice, I could laugh at that one. BUT THEN the idiot texts that he fed her oatmeal and milk and she threw that up too!!! That was it - Mama mode kicked in and I texted him that I could adjust my schedule and would stay home with her for her sake. He has the nerve to tell ME to call the pediatric nurse for advice - mr-give-puking-kid-oatmeal-and-milk.

Issue 3: Kids schools. I sent him the letter warning about tardies, absences, and late pickups. I even included a link to a local story where parents were being fined serious money for excessive tardies. He wrote a letter complaining about the school's record-keeping and painting "5 minutes" late as equivalent to "30" minutes late or some such crap. NOW, he's telling me I need to relocate to the next county when my lease is up so we can target getting kids into a certain well-regarded school there. He even wants to take the little one out of her current school and put her in a public pre-k, which I believe is geared for kids with developmental issues - i could be wrong. He thinks its for geniuses, but from what i know about our current county's public pre-k it's for kids on autism spectrum and other challenges.

What planet is he from?

by stuckette 177 Posts

Posted on 2/11/2012 10:52 AM

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Comments for "how do i stop this chess game without forefeit?" (8) (You must be logged in to answer)

Oops! Meant to post that on Stuckette's other post! Ignore the below!

by Peace333 662 Posts
Posted on 2/20/2012 1:18 PM

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Hi Stuckette... Sorry I missed this post originally. Hope you are feeling a bit more at ease. I'm sorry you have to deal with his behavior.

Are your communications with the ex all via email? This is the same man that told you to cancel your mom's visit to watch the kids right? Then accuses you of abandoment? How silly he must look.

Sounds just like my ex... Treatening... making up false situations that he claims will have you in trouble, ect. He doesn't have a leg to stand on. Don't buy into it. My ex accused me of breaking into his truck and told me the police knew it was me. lol. That got me thinking, and same with yours. If they really had something on us do you think they'd give us the courtesy of a warning? Heck no. Mine continued emailing about the truck issue, so finally I just called the police myself. They said there was no indication I'd done anything, and to tell him if he mentions it again the police will be paying him a visit instead. Ha! Shut him up for a few glorious days.

Keep your emails factual edit edit edit the extraneous thoughts you are tempted to make when he tries to suck you in. :) You are not violating any orders. (He probably is) I've sent mine direct quotes from our orders and he still denies what they say. Some folks ain't right. Unfortunately we still have to deal with them.

I'm going to recommend calling the police next time. Might even still call now after the fact to discuss what happened and your concerns.

Hang in there D-sister! Here for you!

by Peace333 662 Posts
Posted on 2/20/2012 1:17 PM

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Stuckette,

At this point I guess I would advocate pushing toward a final settlement and a divorce decree, while you still have the energy. You don't want to be in the position of him wearing you down to the point that you just give in on everything.

As part of this, you stop being so much on defense, and instead go on offense. I'm going to refrain from being specific--your lawyer will be able to help you here. Just in general, go for what you think you deserve and what is best for your kids. Throw out the "proposed settlement" or parts of it that are not workable, given his nature.

As you said, if you give in a little, instead of compromising, he is emboldened. The only way he will respect you is if you fight hard. Not like him with a thousand sneaky cuts, but stand up for what is right.

You mentioned chess. You can't win a match if you are afraid to lose a pawn or trade a bishop for a knight. The only way to avoid checkmate is to checkmate him.

by mike1493 3231 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2012 1:52 PM

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Ex husbands can be something else as well as ex wives and the sad thing is that when the child suffers like that it makes them to resent the one that is causing the suffering. I am sure you are an awesome mom and keep doing the best you can and one day it will get better.

by gregory1969 2000 Posts
Posted on 2/12/2012 2:26 PM

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stuckette - obviously there is a hacker who stole my avatar...my apologies for his or her lack of ability to act like an adult.

by spaznskitz 10634 Posts
Posted on 2/11/2012 7:05 PM

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Yes. I'm sure it's ALL HIS FAULT. You take NONE of the blame for this. Cow.

by D360Mod1 10 Posts
Posted on 2/11/2012 5:29 PM

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Thanks, Spaz. My atty warned me to treat every email I write as though it will be read by the Court. I need to be more assertive in my stance with him.

by stuckette 177 Posts
Posted on 2/11/2012 5:18 PM

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the statute for "abandonment" in your state:

§ 20-81. Presumptions as to desertion and abandonment.

Proof of desertion or of neglect of spouse, child or children by any person shall be prima facie evidence that such desertion or neglect is willful; and proof that a person has left his or her spouse, or his or her child or children in destitute or necessitous circumstances, or has contributed nothing to their support for a period of thirty days prior or subsequent either or both to his or her departure, shall constitute prima facie evidence of an intention to abandon such family.

Please feel free to cite this statue in an email, let him know that the day you fall off the planet for 30 days, is when this word he throws around with such abandon (no pun intended) will be applicable, Unitl that time, you don't want to hear it again.

Also feel free to remind him that you are no longer going to be his wife, so where you live, is not under his control. What IS under his control is his ability to be on time, and if he doesn't feel the children's education deserves every full minute they should be there, that you would be happy to entertain a change in the custody schedule so that getting them to school when they should be is no longer an issue for him.

End it with saying, btw, any educated parent knows that milk is an acid, and you never give a sick child milk for that reason alone, and that he needs to concentrate more on how he parents, than how you do.

by spaznskitz 10634 Posts
Posted on 2/11/2012 2:51 PM

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