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Has My Wife Gone Crazy? 

Pretty simple question. Has she just gone crazy? At the least she is not thinking with logic.

 Throw out our issues, the pending divorce, everything. Here is what she is thinking of doing.

 Most of you know her and her "boyfriend" plan on waiting for our divorce to be final before they move forward with their relationship.

 I have told my wife, your relationship is doomed to fail. Either it will not work or you will tear your families apart. We had this conversation yesterday, it came on by a text message my oldest son sent her. He will be 16 tomorrow.

 Basically he told her he cannot believe she is throwing away a 20 year marriage for some fantasy relationship with a man who lives in Canada. (We live in Arizona, neither him or my wife is planning on moving, it will be a long distance relationship). My son also said that he does not want (other man) at any of his birthdays, graduation, weddings, anything. He will not travel to see him, in fact, he does not want to meet him, he will not visit my wife if he is around, and will not attend any function that he may be at.

 I asked my other son (15 in 11 days) how he felt, he said he feels the exact same.

 So I talked to my wife, and told her the following.

 Your relationship is doomed. You will tear your families apart if you move forward. You know how (oldest son) feels, (younger son) feels the exact same. At some point our girls will find out, who knows how they will feel. I have already told you (other man) is not and will never be welcome in my home. Any party, dinner, holiday, function, we celebrate here, he is not welcome. Your father has already said (other man) is not welcome in his home. Your brother has said he will do everything he can to avoid meeting him. I have not talked to your sister, and I won't, so I do not know what her opinion is.

 Her reply was, "I am an adult and can make my own decisions. You do not know if this will work or not"

 So I am asking all of you. Is she being unreasonable, or is she acting normal. Perhaps I am blinded and do not see it as I should, but it seems to me she is willing to risk her kids and her family for an internet/phone relationship with a man whom she may see 7 or 8 times a year.

 Honest Opinions Please! Your not going to hurt my feelings!


by VillageIdiot  444 Posts 

Posted on 1/13/2011 3:12 PM
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Comments for "Has My Wife Gone Crazy?"  (22) (You must be logged in to answer)

Ack!  I just want to clarify my comment- do NOT lie to your kid.  I would never condone that.  I was just saying keep the grown-up subjects for the grown-ups.  However mature a 16 year old might seem, they are not a grown-up, and it is perfectly acceptable for a parent to tell their child, "That is between Mom and Dad, and if you have a question for Mom, you should certainly ask her, but it is not up to me to discuss your Mom's personal life with you"

HOWEVER, that is only my opinion and how I handle my situation (where my Ex's behavior has generated quite a LOT of questions from the child), and no, I am not a psychologist.  That's just how I handle it.  I really hope my comments on this thread were not offensive to anyone- sometimes I get over-opinionated.  Apologies.
by wtf   352 Posts
Posted on 1/17/2011 6:52 AM

VI, I hope you never have to put up with the mess I am with your kids. It has been three weeks that my ex has seen her oldsest son. Her choice. It has been three weeks since she talked to him that is her choice as well. She did get a LOL. out of him on facebook two weeks ago. That is all the communication she has with him. We never know when and if she'll call him so he doesnt even expect her to anymore.

Three years ago she was asked by our son to make a choice him or her boyfriend. She looked her son in the eye when they were alone I was not partaking in this and she told her child she loved her boyfriend more than him. So everytime he sees this man or their child or even his brother he has a great deal of resentment because she rejects him and not them.

Since then he has treated her in ways that are unacceptable but if she the adult the mother would have acted like it a lot of this could be avoided. So all I can say is this love your kids keep yourself out of the middle and be an encourager and in the end when it all shakes out your ex will find that life is life and it no easier with anybody else and it is fulfilling to the ones who put into it and the ones who want a cheap way out get it and it costs in the end.
by gregory1969   1991 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2011 7:19 PM

Hi W2T -

I agree not to lie to your kids. That makes sense.  They are old enough to grasp the truth all on their own.  They will only resent you if you lie.  But, that doesn't mean they need to hear the truth from your lips either.  

Consider responding to their questions about their Mom's activities with, "I think you might want to ask Mom about that directly."  This gives them the right answer...  they should ask their Mom where she is and what she is doing. 

That kind of answer directs their attention to exactly where it should be...  their Mom.  It's her job to answer these questions...  not yours.  It's your job to answer questions about yourself...  what you're doing and how you feel. 

Triangulation isn't healthy.  Your kids need to talk to their Mom directly about how they feel and what she's doing.   It takes you out of the role of go between..  making excuses...  telling them things you don't want to have to divulge...  being seen as asking them to take sides.  It's not wrong to refuse to participate in being the "monkey in the middle".    It's the healthy way to handle your situation.

Whenever we are caught up between others and being asked to answer on their behalf we are doing for that person what they can and should be doing for themselves.  Mom can answer for herself. 

If she is making poor choices, she needs to deal with her sons directly.  They need to tell her how they feel about what she is doing.  Whatever happens to their relationships with her as a result of her choices...  your job as their Dad is to provide emotional support and a safe place to continue to live and grow. 

I suggest you back out of the role of go between with both your kids and your families and let everyone deal directly with your wife.  It's her behavior that's causing the problem.  Let her feel the consequences of her actions. 

Best -
by Lisa Cannon   
Posted on 1/14/2011 6:22 PM

I know what WTF means, but sometimes we just can't control what the kids learn. And getting caught lying to them is worse than them hearing the truth or finding it out for themselves. It's a very thin line we walk in order to keep our kids safe, and sometimes, no matter what we do, they find out the grown up things we don't want them to know about.

I'd rather not be caught lying to our son, as his mother does that repeatedly. And I'd rather he know that he can ask questions of one of us without getting the response "it's none of your business", "I don't know (especially when he already knows that you DO know)" or anything that smacks of prevarication on my part.

I guess what all the long winded junk means, is that I'm with VI. I'm not going to lie to my son. I AM going to protect him as I can, but not at the expense of the trust he has in me.

by worried2tears   2308 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2011 12:59 PM

sometimes it is right to hide things from your kids.  When my ex's gf #1 suddenly disappeared from my son's life and he wanted to know why, I didn't say "Well, your Dad cheated on her, and now he's with gf#2"

A perfectly acceptable answer is "I don't know.  When she can, I am sure she will call.  Would you like to call h er?"  No mention of grown up issues at all.

Then again- I'm very opinionated today, and I'm not in your shoes.  I just know I wish my son had been left out of grown up issues. 
by wtf   352 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2011 12:51 PM

I mistyped, my boys do know about the other man......My girls do not
by VillageIdiot   444 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2011 12:30 PM

I do not judge my wife with my kids. I have my feelings I keep them to myself.
 What I tell my kids about their mom is "Your mother loves you, no matter what, she will always love you"
 My boys do not about the other man, I told them that they need to make up their own minds about him. If they do not want to see / meet him, I am not going to encourage them to.
 I talk to her family some, just to keep them updated on where we are. They tell me their feelings, I do not ask and I do not persuade.
 I will not lie to my kids anymore. I have lied to them for months and I will not do it.
 If they ask me a question I will either answer that it is not their business, or the truth.
 My boys wanted to know why my wife went a week without talking to any of the kids, I told them the truth. "He is in town and she is with him this week. Your mother said when she has time she will call us"

 If she is doing something she is ashamed of, that is for her to correct, not for me to hide.

by VillageIdiot   444 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2011 12:28 PM

VI- Please, please don't take this the wrong way, but you need to get your kids to counseling, and stop talking to them about Mom's relationship.  Or negatively about Mom in any way.  While they are understandably upset with the situation (even in marriages where there is awful discord at home, nearly all kids hate to see Mom and Dad split up) they should hear your voice saying "Your Mom is your Mom and you will show her the rspect a Mom is due."

Of course they should feel they are able to talk with you if something bothers them, but for you to agree Mom is crazy, or whatever, that sets up a terrible precedent for them.  How will they feel if they want one day to forgive Mom and have a better relationship with her, but they think they'll hurt you if they do?  Think long-term... You have to be the bigger parent.

And from my own experience- you really are putting family and friends into awkward positions.  When my ex told everyone I was crazy/having a mid-life crises, etc., I had so many friends come to me and say "God, I just can't talk to him any more- he's the one that's crazy!" And my answer was always to nod and smile and say "He'll get past it".  Again- you should be the bigger person.  Which sucks.  But in the end, you win.  Really.
by wtf   352 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2011 12:21 PM

I'm wondering....if is the issue really is the other man, or the fact that she wants OUT of the marriage, and this "relationship" is simply the vehicle she is using to get out.I am in NO WAY stating that you are abusive in any way, but I volunteer with a women's organization, and sometimes, when a woman feels there is no way out, she will "create" a way.
by macandmadismom   140 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2011 10:57 AM

VI - I agree with what hunted1 has said...what has happened between you and your wife should stay between the two of you. Keep your kids out of your business. It's only going to cause more pain than they need to suffer with.

Is she crazy? Well, it appears she has gone off the deep end...but think about what she is saying to you. She is saying she is capable of making her own choices and you don't know what is best for her. Right now she doesn't know what she wants or what is best for her either but she definately wants her say and to figure it out on her own NO MATTER WHAT THE COST. Have you ever gone through a rebellious phase VI? You make irrational choices to find out where you as a person stand in this life. Somewhere in her mind she is justifying being unreasonable as reasonable to her and has a strong desire to prove it in some way to herself...I've seen the likes of this before. The self and other destructive behavior is indicative that she needs help in some way. However, she won't accept help from you or anyone else until she is ready to ask for it. Either she will ask for help, or she'll continue being self-destructive. These are the consequences of her choices.

Her behavior is going to make YOU crazy only if you let it. I know you don't want this and her choices are incomprehensible to you at this point, but I assure you there is a reason beyond her irrational behavior. If you can find acceptance with that, and let her live with the choices she has made you will find your way through this also. I do hope she can be involved with her children and the two of you can sort through that part of it by putting their needs above all. They are most important in this picture...take care, and keep blogging friend!
by googdood   1080 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2011 10:47 AM

Her reaction is normal.  She hasn't lost her mind, she's living in a fantasy world.  Nothing anyone says to her right now will stick.  It will go inone ear and out the other.  In fact, talking to her  about this will only make her more determined right now to make it work.

Leave the issue alone.  You've had your peace.  It's time to step up to the plate and follow through- all of you- on your threats.
by Dactyl   5834 Posts
Posted on 1/14/2011 9:45 AM

VI, seems like you are a hell of a nice guy.  I would say that your wife giving that up is the answer to your opening question.  Reading the crap she's pulling solidifies it IMO.  So, yeah - I think she's crazy.
by seperatedinpa   150 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 6:58 PM

Talk about self centered....maybe she is related to my ex?
by PamA   672 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 6:02 PM

Another classic case of mind-fucking oneself.
by Iam   7316 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 5:36 PM

Her reply was, "I am an adult and can make my own decisions. You do not know if this will work or not.

All true, VI....we have the freedom to make our own decisions, we are responsible for our decisions and for the consequences of those decisions....don't get in her way, stay out of it, protect the kids where they need it, and turn around and get going on your own life....the kids are going to need help grieving, and time will help all of you.
by fra   1665 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 5:10 PM

If you go to bed with a dog sooner or later you are going to wake up with fleas and I say let her. She doesnt care about her kids emotons or anybody else's for that matter so just get your divorce and wish her a happy life and lock your doors and bar your windows and barricade yourself in for she is on a long and dark road to her own demise.
by gregory1969   1991 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 4:53 PM

Just to be clear, I did not send the text, my son did. Without my knowledge I may add. I had the conversation with her afterwords.
 Also, talking about trying to whatever I can, I told her again today, "If you want to try, I am willing to try with you. I don't know what would happen, either do you. We certanly did not see us here one year ago, but I would still try."
Her reply was quick. "I need to go."
 Say anything you want about me, but nobody will ever say I did not do everything possible to save my marriage.
by VillageIdiot   444 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 4:52 PM

Your stbx has dug her own grave and seems more than happy to jump into it...let her.  Unless you have a degree in divinity, it's not your job to save her from herself.  Just be the best dad you can to your kids since one of their parents has lost her mind.

Nothing you can say tends to sway people that are this far bound and determined to lose it all.

Yes, she's crazy...in her way of self-destruction...I'd not be a party to it(trying to dissuade her)...let her have all the glory of an Icarus winging too close to the sun...

by rubyslippers   2625 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 4:22 PM

I'm not sure how much you've shared with your two oldest sons, but if they are like mine, you probably didn't have to tell them anything. Kids today are smart, and fast to catch on to what's happening around them. But yeah, counseling would probably be in order for all of them.

As far as the text to your wife.........waste of time, waste of energy, and waste of motion. Don't bother. Nothing you can do will save her, she's building her own bonfire and you just threw 20 gallons of JP5 jet feul on it. Not a good idea.

Is she crazy? By a rational thinking persons standard, yes. By a legal definition? Apparently not.

Peace. (I feel you man, stbx is digging her own grave too)
by worried2tears   2308 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 4:11 PM

Dad gave me some advice about folks who are dead set on going to hell in a handbasket. If talking to them about it doesn't change their mind, stand the hell out of their way so you don't get run over.

Get yourself and the boys into counseling, as they sound like they need a safe place to deal with therir feelings about their Mom, and you, to keep yourself out of her path.

We're here for you.
by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 3:57 PM

yes, I would have to say she has gone crazy.  Knowing how her own son feels about this decision and caring about how she is going to hurt him (and the other 3) - that is just beyond my comprehension.  I told you before - she really has no idea what she is throwing away.  Unfortunately, there's nothing you or anyone else it seems can do to stop her.  All you can do is just continue to be the stable parent that your kids need.  She has a man (you) who loves her and is willing to do ANYTHING to save her marriage and she is throwing that away for a fantasy relationship - a long distance one at that?  If that's not crazy...I don't know what is.  I'm so sorry for you & your kids having to go through this.
by terryabcd   168 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 3:56 PM

Here's what I see.She has issues. You know that already. Most likely her relationship with this guy won't stand the test of time. But right now.. she's like a little kid. Telling her that's not going to work, it's not going to change her mind. Time will tell. Another point I would like to make is that "manipulating" the situation so that anyone feels like they have to choose sides is not good and it will come back and bite you in the ass.Not that you are doing that but taking a poll from everyone to see where their loyalties are is not the way to go.I know you are not happy.. that's an understatement. But you have to find a way to get through this with as little hurt to your kids as possible.I understand that part of you is like "yeh, this is what you asked for so you deserve it"!! Being alienated from your kids is not fun.I don't know what you say in front of you kids but from your post it sounds like your two older sons are privvy to a bit too much info.They do not have the life experiences to deal with any of this situation.And.... never say never. I've learned that the hard way.Regardless of what your wife has done, you need to help keep those lines of communication open with her and your children. This will only serve to be a benefit to everyone later on in your life and your kids. Why create more disharmony and pain by drawing lines in the sand? Or encouraging your children to make judgements on their mother. She'll always be their mom. You know the right thing to do. It's not always what you want to do but you gotta bite your tongue a lot.You've got to continue to be the bigger person no matter how hard it is. Those boys and girls are learning from you. You are placing family & friends in a difficult position and honestly.. they'll eventually back away from you and maybe her too.....just so they don't have to be part of your drama. Just my take on  things... as I see it right now.
by hunted1   783 Posts
Posted on 1/13/2011 3:34 PM

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