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Soiled Sheets of Discontent 


There are two women in my life, and one of them is pooping in my bed. Ok, you can stop covering your mouth with your palm and whispering about the Pirate Queen. It’s not her. I’ve got the Pirate Queen bathroom trained.


“No, seriously baby, I cleaned the bathroom.  I swear. There’s no need to go to Starbucks…”


She is still using some woman witchery and floating 3 inches over the seat though. Nonetheless, for the record, she is not pooping in my bead.


“Then who is the poo, Christopher Robby?”


My poo-culprit is another Winnie: Persephone, my cat. I don’t get it. We’ve been together over a year and a half. This trick is recent. She does the doo only when I spend the night at the Pirate Queen’s.


Now if she’d done this from the beginning, I’d understand, but this isn’t the first weekend I’ve spent at the Pirate Queens. What’s changed?  Why is there a new tension between Persephone and I? Are we just like other couples that have fallen into complacency, and don’t know how to communicate without crapping where they sleep?


I don’t know what started it, but I am familiar enough with poo-munication. With dogs it means, “Dude, could you put this somewhere?” With people, it means you pay an extra $50, with cats it’s “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take this anymore.”


I’ve tried accommodating her. I made sure her food was full. I made sure her water was full. I made sure her litter box was empty.


“Yes dear. Whatever you want.”


Persephone has an eating disorder that makes things challenging through. Whenever she eats, she eats everything at once. If I’m leaving for the weekend, and lay out enough food to last until Monday, her bowl is empty before the back door is locked and my butt’s belted in my car.


At first I thought this was the source of the problem: she’d eat all her food, and blame me because there wasn’t more. See? Just like any other relationship. In order to combat this, I bought her an automatic feeder that would disperse food in digestible increments.


I went away this weekend thinking, “Mission Accomplished!” I came home to a quilt planted poo-garden. Now I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take this anymore. I grabbed my fuzzy miss and rubbed her nose in the poo with repeated “NO!”s.


Ok, so I should pause here. If you haven’t guessed, I’m a dog guy. That’s what you do with puppy-doo. I suck when it comes to women and cats. I swatted the Pirate Queen with a rolled up newspaper once and she pulled out a whip.


“Now that’s a swat.”


Persephone didn’t take to my dog training any better.  When I went to bed, there was a fresh pile of “communication” waiting for me. I gave her a communicatory facial with a “No!” and placed her in her box. Then I locked her in the bathroom.


Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t confused about the message my cat was communicating. This isn’t my first relationship.  I understand bitter spite poo. I can leave a few piles of my own.


I chose not to do that--this time. 


Still, I can’t let a mad cat think that she’s the queen of my house. I’ve seen where that leads. This time it’s gonna be different.


On the other hand I’m considering a trip to the Humane Society in the morning. There’s only room for one shitty disposition in my house, and both MyEx and the Pirate Queen can agree that I have it.


But isn’t that a bit extreme? Ending a relationship because I don’t agree with Persephone’s attitude? After this much time, it’s like divorcing after our first fight. We’re a civil culture. We don’t do that—OK, maybe we do, but I won’t. I’m a drag my feet in the muck kind of guy. I don’t quit.


So what do I do? Cuz the princess and the Poo are not the answer either.


I could go to an expert and have them help us. That would be intelligent. Instead, I go to the Internet. This is like going to your single best friend for marriage advice.  The first thing I see is a Yahoo page saying, “My cat poos in my bed. Should I put her to sleep?”


I gasp.


Persephone and I are going through a rough spot, but I would never consider that. Most of what I find online is like gaggling hen advice, suggesting everything from “I’m a bad mate” to “my cat is imbalanced.” Neither of these accusations are true, and neither one answers the question that I really have: how do I stop this?


Finally I find a site suggesting something I hadn’t considered.  I read the words, and a tear rolled down my cheek, like an Indian in a slittered casino. “Your cat poos in your bed because she loves you.”




What do I do now? I mean I can go toe to toe with hissing anger, but love? How do I fight that?


The site offers the theory that my cat is pooing where she smells me most (yup, the bed. That makes sense…) She’s marking her “Rob” territory because she’s afraid of losing me.


“Holy needy cat-shit Batman!”

What is our dynamic duo to do?  Tune in next week…


I can’t wait that long. This theory has spun our relationship into a new spiral. I’m not angry anymore. I’m sad. I’ve pushed away someone’s love because I misread their needs. In what kind of world does this make sense? What kind of ass did that make me?


Yup, the poopy-bed kind.


I wondered if we looked at all our relationships in terms of actions of love instead of reactions in anger what would our approach be?  Would our failure rate be as high as it is today? I dunno. I’m only reading the poo leaves.


I’m trying a new approach. This morning I walked into the room where she spent the night. I sat on the floor, held out my hand and waited. When she was ready, she came to me. When she did, I pet her.

“You know, kitty, we both have to get along here.”


Yeah, I know. I’m partly to blame, but I’m trying. This is new to me.”


“No, I’m not excusing myself. I’m not apologizing either—but I’m not asking for an apology. You’re you, I’m me, and we need to find a place that works for both of us. That’s not always going to be easy, but we’ll try, OK?” I rubbed between her ears of encouragement.



I stood up, and let her think. I’m not confused. This isn’t some ABC movie special. Credits won’t roll. We won’t fall into each other’s furry arms and live happily ever after. I only want to find a way for us to live together. I want to make one relationship work, because if I can get along with a cat, I can get along with anybody.


And that’s why I’m waiting for the Pirate Queen.  She’s leaving to visit her family in a few weeks. She’ll be gone for a little over a week. I’m gonna miss her. So while she’s gone, I’m going to stop by her apartment, crawl up on her bed and leave her a pile of my love.


Won’t she be surprised when she gets home to see how much I love her?



by Robert-Boyd  5300 Posts 

Posted on 6/9/2010 7:32 PM
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Comments for "Soiled Sheets of Discontent"  (23) (You must be logged in to answer)

I don't think she was feral. I got her at the Humane Society, she was an older heavier cat so unless They drew her kicking and screaming from a treasure hole of field mice, I think somebody owned her.  I think Dogs get the "man's best friend" rating because they're more loyal. You can take a dog hunting and not worry about them eating the target, taking a nap, and then exploring the whole area before coming back. Cats are more independent.  Man doesn't like that! Man barely master fire and wheel. How man deal with uppity animal?  ;)
by Robert-Boyd   5300 Posts
Posted on 6/18/2010 9:23 AM

Hi Rob -

Love that idea...  kitty cell phone...  it would have to be one that has voice dial so she can meow at it and call you....lol!!

Yeah...  cats are jealous and spiteful...  that's probably why they don't get the "man's best friend" title that dogs receive.  Most of us who have cats love them because they are beautiful...  they are also independent and choosy about who they love...  makes us feel special.

I had a male cat years ago who used to piss in my favorite chair everytime I went away for the weekend.  I covered the chair with a lawn and leaf bag and he left me a puddle...  it's funny in retrospect...  but at the time I was pissed off...  or rather pissed on!!

Was Persephone a feral cat?  Feral animals sometimes have odd habits.  Our current feline...  Sam...  was feral.  He is an oddball.  He also eats EVERYTHING whenever we feed him...  until he vomits.  A bulemic cat...  who knew? 

Best -
by Lisa Cannon   
Posted on 6/17/2010 10:44 PM

So what you're telling me is that, in Persephone's mind, we're married, and I'm hangin' out with hookers? Would it help if I gave her a cell phone and called her every half hour so she could see that I wasn't participating in any illicit cat activities? Wow! Kitty marriage is hard work!

Yeah, I'm certain it's feces. She's left me Hairballs before (I have to give her special food, cuz she's a longhair). You're right, very similar, but the poo is bigger, and feco-smelling (yeah, I took a nosefull to be sure). 

Thanks again.  I will keep my eyes pealed for any other abnormal activity. So far so good though.
by Robert-Boyd   5300 Posts
Posted on 6/17/2010 10:48 AM

Hi Rob -

I thoroughly enjoyed your blog... I am a cat person... have been all my life... I think I may even speak cat a bit.

I think you may be overlooking a rather obvious issue that has arisen between yourself and Persephone...

Female cats are posessive of their owners. Male cats tend to be territorial of their owners homes. You are her male... she feels not only love, but possessiveness toward you.

I believe this problem may have its roots in the Pirate Queen's kitty. Not only are you leaving for the weekend... BUT... you come home smelling of another cat!! Oh horrors... Persephone is betrayed...

The hardest part of this problem is that the Pirate Queen's kitty's scent is all over her home and there is no way to avoid getting it on yourself when you are there. Persephone knows that when you go away for the weekend... ~sob~ you are with another cat... ~whimper~

Persephone will have to adjust. It will undoubtedly take time for her to come to a place of acceptance... she may act out her issues now and again. But I would guess that if she doesn't have access to your bedroom when you are away she will finally adjust.

On a more serious note... just because she isn't showing signs of illness doesn't mean there isn't a problem. Animals, especially loners like cats, tend to hide illness because in the wild it might mean certain death. Keep a watchful eye on her for the next few weeks. If her behaviors revert back to cleanliness most of the time I wouldn't worry about health concerns.  If not, it may be off to the vet for a check up.

Also... are you certain they are feces? Most cats cough up hairballs. They may look very much like feces... black or brown... but are comprised of undigested hair and bits of dust and food.  Hairballs generally don't start until a cat is about 18 months to 2 years old. 

Just a thought.

Best -
by Lisa Cannon   
Posted on 6/16/2010 10:42 PM

LOL! then best of luck Pam!
by Robert-Boyd   5300 Posts
Posted on 6/14/2010 12:36 PM

I am laughing my ass off now, but since tonight is the first night my daughter has her 3 cats with her, i may not be laughing tomorrow!
by PamA   672 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2010 6:53 PM

Springboard, I just do a wash load, that takes it out. If there's a persistent smell, washing and something like Fabreeze works. Well at least for her smell. My smell never goes away. Ask MyEx.  ;)

Joyful, I'm glad you laughed. We all need one, and somedays they are so hard to find.  Keep looking! And no. Despite our differences, I'm not getting rid of Persephone.

SJG, no worries. Good advice is always welcome! If nothing else it says, "Sounds like you're doing the right thing, Rob."  I'm good with that.  Yeah, timed feeders are great. The only concern is if you have bug infestations, they can get into the food. The hopper on the feeder isn't air tight.
by Robert-Boyd   5300 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2010 2:25 PM

Well, poo (no don't poo that is your cat's job) I thought I might have had a new idea!
I did not know there was cat feeders that worked on timers! Good idea.
by sjg   3034 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2010 12:14 PM

Thank you for making me laugh today!!  Just when I think about what today will bring... you brought me a much needed laugh.

I live where I cannot have my cat or dogs...boy do I miss them...comfort....you are comfort to her.

Thanks again, I can't wait for my life issues to be poo on my bed..mild compared to what I went thru...in fact, you can give her to me!!
by Joyful   2705 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2010 7:38 AM

... or is it fecal-fickled?
by springboard   85 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2010 6:43 AM

One question: After you fix the problem with your fickled fecal feline, how do you get the smell out?
by springboard   85 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2010 6:38 AM

Cheshire, yeah, little known cat-fact. They do read. They're also avid bloggers.
by Robert-Boyd   5300 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2010 12:42 AM

Karma just has a way of biting.  In retribution for laughing at your difficulties, my ornery cat decided to jump up on my dresser and pee.  This was definite the language of anger.  She's pissed (in more ways than one), because I'm kitten-sitting for a cute little piece of fluff until tomorrow evening.  I'm sure it's her way of telling me that not only is she not getting the attention she feels she deserves, but her territory has been invaded by the 'thing.'  Well, like it or not, I am a cat person.  I do speak cat, and I communicated in the harshest way I know.  She's spending the night outside, where she can pee to her heart's content without getting her little kitty butt in trouble.  Fortunately, other than weather, which is cold, wet and windy tonight, I live in a quiet neighborhood with few dangers.  I don't generally allow her out all night, but drastic actions beget drastic measures.

Serves me right for laughing.  I just didn't realize she could read!
by stCheshirecat   2624 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2010 12:31 AM

Herelgo, As odd as it may sound, there was a time, when I was much younger, that I had that exact battle with a cat. I'm not proud, but in the long run, I did win...

SJG, I don't think sick. She's not showing the rest of the signs. Just poo. Actually this feeder is on a timer. It lets out an alotted amount at specific times. So the overfeeding issue is covered.  The rest of your advice: Already on it.  :)

Ruby, too late, she's already taken the pomegranate.

FF Oh...I was a little overzealous. I was just there and...Wish I'd read this earlier...  ;)

Tracy, yeah I came in the door this evening and she hissed at me. I think I got what she's saying.  Interesting you commented on the PQs cat but didn't mention her gift...
by Robert-Boyd   5300 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2010 12:02 AM

Poor Persephone she's trying so hard to tell you something.

I'm sure PQ won't mind you bringing Persephone to meet her Kitty. 

by Tracy74   624 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2010 11:25 PM

Holy cat shit Batman! Please don't shit in the Pirate womans bed. She may be exhausted when she gets home and not looking when she crawls into bed.  She'll definitely have you walking the plank then!!!  Good luck!  :)
by freedomfighter   646 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2010 9:17 PM

Perhaps an intervention by Demeter would be in order?

by rubyslippers   2625 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2010 8:55 PM

Rob are you sure she is not sick?
If her feeder is like my cat's, when Persephone eats it down it will continue to supply the food, all in one day. 
Do not put her litter, and food in the same room. When you are in the bedroom let her in there. When you are not shut the door. 
When I moved in with my son, and his wife for a year we both had cats. His cat started soiling on his children's floor. His cat was mad at the attention my grandchildren were paying to my cat. Final it stopped. 
Do you have a friend that could go over everyday and feed her while you are gone?
You may just have to introduce Persephone to the PQ kitty. 
This is strange, but I was going to ask you about her.
by sjg   3034 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2010 8:51 PM

You're looking at the problem all wrong.

Go to your cat's favorite sleeping area and show your love.

If you do that to the pirate queen, it's just going to make the cat jealous. 

Probably won't do much for the queen either.....  Just a thought.
by HereIgo   960 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2010 8:22 PM

Cheshire, ya know, it is amazing how much better we'd be if cat's picked up the odd self help book.  Her "needs" do not require access to my bedroom, so for now I am doing what you mentioned. Although because I do usually sleep alone I don't like to close my door at night. I like to "hear" the rest of the house, so she does have access at night.  So far, we're poo free. I'll keep you posted. As for the plank...I'll bear that in mind.  ;)

Julie, we are blessed with other language than poo-tongue.  Unfortunately, there are others who aren't so blessed. If we care to communicate, we need to work in common mediums. I'm well versed in several base languages. Poo just happens to be one. Cat, on the other hand is out of my scope.

MP, to each their own. Maybe M would like a gift, you never know until you try.. On the other hand, M might find it important to reciprocate. So choose your gift accordingly.  ;)   As for the carrier, it's not a bad idea, but there is a snag in that plan: PQ has a kitty of her own, and both our cats are very territorial. I think we'd have more than bed poo to worry about.  I'm glad you found the sweet in the story. Sometimes it's a hard balance between cats and poo....
by Robert-Boyd   5300 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2010 8:05 PM

OMG, how funny and touching. Don't feel bad Rob, I am a dog person too. I would have probably done the same thing...:D

However....M travels, I can't imagine showing him my love in quite this "out there" fashion...I am a bit more reserved in my affections. What can I say, you are a wild man...

Maybe you could get a carrier and take her with you on your overnights? If the Pirate Queen doesn't mind that is....That really was sweet.
by militaryp   5614 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2010 7:46 PM

Darlin', we're rather fortunate that we have a language other than poo to express ourselves. English (and most other human languages) have their limitations, but most of us find it much better, and less offensive, messy and smelly, than the language of poo.
by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2010 7:45 PM


I'm a cat person and have had the territory thing done by two competing females (who aren't supposed to spray but never read that in the books about cats).  Never had little treasures left on my bed, however. 

On a practical note, I guess I would consider locking Persephone out of the bedroom.  Keep her food and litter someplace where she won't have to have access to the bedroom at all.  Barring that, I'd get a large tarp and put it over the bed in my absence.

I think that the Pirate Queen will be ready to make you walk the plank in gratitude for your 'gift.'
by stCheshirecat   2624 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2010 7:42 PM

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