To Love and to Cherish... 

When we met, during our courtship and most of our marriage, I loved Judy and I suppose she loved me too.  Even though we suffered through a break-up before the more serious courtship – I always felt she and I were destined to marry.   Back then we were best friends and shared many good times, but we seemed also to have a barrier between us.

Part was sexually and part was emotionally.  I think we catered to each other in hopes that we would someday produce a great family and we eventually did.   But at our wedding I meant every word of the vows and I can only hope she did too.  She had been married in a Catholic ceremony after college and spoke little of that relationship, only to say he was mean to her mom (a sweet woman) and lied about wanting kids (why?).  I never was able to talk to her ex.

I was a heavy drinker, and she knew that – but managed to handle it (functioning alcoholic?).  We had a great wedding, reception and aftermath – all at the beach where I spent my teenage years.  Our honeymoon had to wait until we both could schedule work time off, and a couple weeks later we whirled through Holland, Belgium (where I had friends from when I was stationed there), Paris, Geneva, Munich, and Sweden, where my brother and his family live.

My health was OK then.  I had high blood pressure (which contributed to my stroke later), and back pain issues after Officer’s Training School’s version of football/basketball that supposedly involved no tackling.  After a bike hit me while jogging on the Washington & Old Dominion trail, I suffered a lacerated kidney only 6 weeks after our marriage.  But six months after we exchanged vows, Ellen was conceived.

Ellen, Ben and Hanna became our focus for so many reasons.  I was and still am a loving dad – but then it was so much more physical: Classical Dad.  Judy was and is an excellent mom.  But as I told her many times as we fought, I felt treated like a father to the kids and not as a beloved husband.

I provided from the day we married until my layoff in 2007 from AOL.  I still contributed with my Air Force retirement check, but after starting up an internet consulting franchise that later crashed and having a stroke – Judy became the provider.

We went through counseling a couple times.  Once, after I realized she would be angry with me for one reason -- in this case a lack of plumbing skills -- despite the death of my dad.  It seemed to help to get the emotions out.  But when I bought a house at a ski resort we took the kids to every winter, Judy (after the purchase) angrily lashed out at me our first weekend there.  She subsequently stopped drinking that spring and threatened to cancel our planned trip to Europe if I didn’t.

I promised to be moderate but I wasn’t.  The thrill of being in Europe during the World Cup with my more mature kids (we had been there before) gave me a sense of celebration.  I didn’t pass out or behave recklessly, but Judy was angry at me the whole trip.

Upon our return to the US, we met with a counselor and my drinking became the focus.  I resented this as it wasn’t the only problem in our marriage.  I can only guess that the next 3 years Judy planned the ending of our marriage and once I lost my job due to a 20% AOL cut in staff (bloated salaries first), and when she got a job – that was the turning point.

Love, cherish – both of those words require a lot of dedication.  I’ve watched Judy’s mom struggle with her dad yet still stand by him.  My siblings have had terrible arguments and yet stay together.  I saw my mom and dad’s marriage dissolve only after a Herculean effort to stay together for the kids despite adultery and other misdeeds.  But within a couple months after my stroke, my wife felt it necessary to ditch me.  I try not to lose respect for her while I go through this painful separation…