Popcorn Kernel in My Teeth... 

Have you ever eaten popcorn and have one of the kernels get stuck in your teeth?  It doesn't hurt, but it just kind of nags at you?  Well, my ex's facebook update message was like that.  It didn't hurt so much, actually kind of made me feel vindicated, but it just...bugged me, like a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth.

Her update message was about one of her online "pen pals," as she refers to them, popping in and out of her IM chat window.  She had, in previous weeks/months lamented about this guy...make plans with him, then have it cancelled last minute.  Now, evidently, he's avoiding her.

I've known my ex a long time.  I can tell this is eating her up by her post.  Her depression is back with a vengeance.  I'm torn, and I really don't know why or even what emotion I'm feeling...and that's the kernel in my teeth.  I don't think it's jealousy that I'm feeling.  I don't want her back and I want to move forward with my own life without her.  I actually kind of feel bad for her, in a way, that she's hurting.  There's also a part of me that feels a vindication in that her quest for finding a new, better mate isn't turning out like she hoped.  Of course there isn't better, she had ME...and I guess I feel a little guilty about feeling good at the expense of her bad feelings.

I guess the thing that bugs me the most about this is that I shouldn't care at all, one way or the other...but I do.  It's not my business, and really, I don't want the gory details...but it's there for all the world to see.  Maybe this affects me because we still live in the same house, more as rommates as anything else, so her depression DOES affect me in that it impacts our living situation.  Even at our worst, when she was cheating on me with other men, I still found myself consoling her when her first lover left...how surreal is that?  I held her and hugged her and reassured her...most people would have kicked her to the curb or told her to go find someone who cared.  I guess I cared about her at the time...I guess I still do, even though I shouldn't.  The only difference is that there isn't the pain, shock, and desperation to save my marriage.

I'm sure this will pass...hopefully, this blog will serve as the dental floss to dislodge that kernel...just had to get it out.