I was diagnosed "pathetic" today 

I was getting yo yo'd too. The reason my ex did this was because she wanted to be financially secure and she's a controller.

I was never told by my therapists to divorce or leave. They counciled me and made me come to my own conclusions.  Mine was diagnosed as a narcissitic personality disorder. He was always a bit like this but escalated in his behaveior after his father died.(he was a 100% narcicist) anyway if you have tried and cannot cope it really isn't a healthy situation. Their are many books out on living with a narcissictic personality and how or if you cope. These were helpful in making me see that it wasn't all me. I tried everyting but he always threw our relationship to the side for somthing or someone else.  Its not worth it and you are definately not Pathetic although I do know how you feel right now.   Sometimes some distance from each other can make you see things more clearly.
I wish you luck.  Hang in there and believe it or not if you take action this too will someday pass and you will be happy again.

Many blessings.

Sounds exactly like what I went through. Up and down, on and off. When I managed to force my ex to go to counseling he behaved exactly like your husband too. After few sessions our therapist called me and advised to give up. Said there is absoultely nothing she can do for us, as he was completly unwilling and uninterested in any kind of compromise or even admiting he was in any way responsible. I wish I listened to her. Instead I fought for ten very sad, lonely years, while he kept me on this emotional rollecoaster. And I even hate real rollercoaster rides...ha!..Be strong girl, don't waste your time like many of us here did. I suggest, as difficult as it is, listen to your counselor before those emotional swings completly destroy you.

This is a roller coaster that no one would choose to ride.  It's not the fantasy we had when we said, "I do," but remember that you still can 'do.' Be kind to yourself.  You don't deserve pain.  You aren't pathetic.  You're just hurting, like most of us here have done.  We're all at varying stages.  Some have moved beyond.  Still, the wise thoughts of Flutterby are true.  As much as it hurts, it will get less.  You'll find that after a week of horrible days, you'll have a good one where you honestly laugh and feel great.  It may be followed by more pain, but then, you'll have two good ones in a row, or three.  Soon, most of your days will be good.

Do find support.  If you can afford a counselor, I would encourage you to have one.  I have an amazing support system of family and friends, but my counselor provided me with an objectivity that my family and friends who love me could not.  We're here for you in cyberspace, too.  Any one of us is here to give you a hand or a cyberhug, whenever you need one. 

Dear P,"I love you--I love you not" is a control mechanism.  Why is someone who plays you like a yo-yo so important?  There's lots going on in this life that is great, though not yet familiar.

Pathetic refers to all of those couples who are headed for divorce and don't know it yet. I wish I had realized that my marriage would end in divorce. I would have bailed years ago.

I am so sorry to hear about the rollercoaster you are on. You are not pathetic. Not everyone can switch from love to either not love or not caring overnight. You need time to get your heart and mind in sync. I've hated the last year & a half myself because my brain knew my STBX was a lying, cheating, piece-of-shit, but my heart had a hard time accepting it since it really was overnight for me finding out about the affair after 13 years of him telling me that I was the most important person in the world to him.

Day-by-day if you work at it it will slowly get better and you will get free and happy. Do your best to do what is the best for you on a daily basis as well as focus on the long term. Wanting your marriage to work out when children are involved is never pathetic. It's honorable. But at least the therapist isn't sugar coating it and is helping you cut the ties and be free. You'll see it as a blessing down the road.

Best wishes to you and the children. I know it's not easy.

Thanks for all the support. I know what needs to happen next. Hope can be a destructive force, and I have given this marriage more than I should have. I hung in there for so long for our kids. I feel responsible for  breaking up our family. We were a blended family, and our kids have been together since they were toddlers and are very attached. Plus we have a child together. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect my life to turn into a Jerry Springer episode. None of us do I guess. I know it sounds stupid to say this here, but getting divorced is embarassing! Getting divorced twice - twice as embarrassing! I know some of you know how I feel, and it means everything to know we are not alone.

Take her advise. He has you on an emotional roller coaster. You need to step up to bat and protect YOU! He can't really love you if he goes back and forth! Love is NOT like that. Either you do or you don't!
Hang in there- once the decision is made it will be a little rocky- but it will get easier!
  YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC! You love him and want to work things out but he is not capable of it!
 I am sorry for what you are going thru! Hang in there. As you can see from posts- you are not the only one who has been in this situation.
Hugs..stay on here- there is a lot of good advise and support here-

Hi OldMaid -

I totally understand your situation.  If you read my story you will see that I too was married to an abuser for a long time.  It was incredibly difficult to give up, but eventually I had no choice. 

I feel for you.  It is horribly disappointing, especially when they keep promising change and it never happens. 

At some point you will realize that you are much better off without all the abuse.  You will rebuild your self esteem and find your voice again. 

In the interim you should find a counselor that will help you in that vein.  Recovery is the place to be for folks like us.  There is a place out there where you and your experience will find value and be able to help others in your situation in the future. 

The hardest part is making the decision, once you do the rest is all downhill from there.  There are bumps in the road, but overall you will get much better as time goes on.

For a start buy the book CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie and read it.  Replace the word alcohol in the chapters with abuse and you will find that it applies to you. 

If you want to chat, I am here.

Dear OldMaid, like my matter-of-fact friend in NY keeps telling me in MY pathetic moments:  It is what it is.  Plain and simple. 

You can move on in your life and know you did everything you could to save this marriage.  Good for you.  It didn't work out, I'm sorry.  But there is another side to this.  You get to discover you again.  Go to counselor for YOURSELF and learn to make healthy choices.

I like oldfashioned's pain scale.  Ain't that truth?  10.0 then 9.9995 then 11 then one morning you wake up and it's a 5.  It will happen.

I wish the best for you.

i held on to hope for too long.  way too long.  and even after am still tore up about it.  it is crazy.  i told a counsellor just today, that if he was telling me my story, but it was about him, i would easily say, "what is your problem ?", can't you see the truth...  but it isn't so easy, when it is your own problem, your own heart break.  "hope", is a unfair, sadistic, torturer at times.  especially times like these.  Days do get better.  they have been slowly getting there for me.  just to be honest though, it is not like a switch from pain 10 to 1, over night.  it is more like, pain 10, then 9.9995,  then 9.9994, then ooops back to 10 again, then back to 9.995, then 9.992  etc..  it is the worst rollercoaster ride of all.  i have learned alot from this pain.  good and bad.  bottom line, this is temperary, it will pass.  "i wish alittle more quickly", but it will.  one day at a time.  just be the best you, that you can be.  that is all that you have control of anyways.   gl, and know you are not alone. 

It's never, ever easy to hear the truth.  But, one day, you'll appreciate the counselor for pointing it out.  Now you know you can move on without regret.  Don't beat yourself up.  Be strong.

I was once in your shoes, so I know how it feels to hold on to something you are not sure you really want to let go.  Now, get out there and show your stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, now at least you know what you need to do.  No more living in limbo.  You may not regret leaving now, only not leaving 2 yrs ago.

Wishing you the best.