why not us? 

Ann,
I am going to hurt your feelings and for that I apologize. Your so called doesn't value his marriage as your friends did theirs. You are worth it he is  a liar a cheat a host of other things. That being said get your walking shoes on and go find you a real man and quit this mess. A cheater cheats and they don't quit it is a long road and when they are old and wore out and everybody else had his best then he might come around and come home. Leave that man be there are too many men for to pursue after than a jerk who cannot and Will NOT stay faithful to you. When I married my wife I married for life not for as long as I am convenient to her. Get a grip and get out there and go have fun. You deserve it. Sorry for the brashness but you deserve better and you need someone else.

Wow!  Why is it that we have to work so hard and struggle so much and they seem to get everything handed to them??!!  How did you find out that it got paid off??  If it was an insurance settlement I wouldn't think that it would help his credit score, at least I hope not!!

he got that amount and it went to the bank. since he was upside down on the loan he still has a balance of aprox. $2500. it will be paid off in few months. i don't know if it is reported anywhere that the 20K loan was repaided in 15 months because of an insurance settlement or will it help him improve his credit report?

I know exactly what you mean!  It is so frustrating when they keep ducking the responsibilities and getting away with it.  Do you know for sure that he actually got that amount?  Did he receive it cash or did it pay the vehicle off? 

It frustrates me, too, that my husband was not even willing to try.  I am the one who wanted a separation, but I wanted the two of us to live apart and go to counseling.  He told me that we might as well get a divorce if that's what I want.  Then he saw that I was serious and said that he would set up counseling if I agreed to continue living with him.  I gave him phone numbers of counselors and told him exactly what he needed to say when calling to set up an appointment.  I did this a few times.  He said he would get around to it.  Months went by.  I told him that I feel like he is not taking me seriously.  He can't even go to a few counseling sessions with me?  It isn't worth his time?  He would rather just give up.  I refused to make the appointment for him.  He is a grown man and I wanted to see him do it, to show me that he meant what he said. 

Hang in there!  I am the only one of my friends who are divorced and I have gone through many stages of why does it seem like everyone can make their marriage except for me.  In the end, I don't think there are a lot of happily married people.  I think that if you did whatever was within your power to keep your marriage together and for whatever reason it still didn't pan out, you have just gotta figure out how to let go of it.  For me it meant seeing a counselor a few times to work through it.  My ex turned to drugs and alcohol and wouldn't take the help offered him.  It felt like he was just sabotaging the marriage and didn't want to fight to keep us together.  It sucked for awhile but it gets better.  I am in a much better place about it.  I've decided to make the most of what I have....a sweet 4 year old, a good job, and a few friends that have been there for me.  The best revenge is living a good life and the only person who can do that is you.

i don't know how he did it but he managed to collect 20K for totaling the expedition.according to the city pd he didn't file a police report but still managed to collect. how?? why does he screw up and still manage to get out of his responsibilites?  i am damn near ruined financially and he has walked away and wiggled out of almost everything. my butt would be in jail right now. not him!!!!

I too have been obsessed at times about reconciling with my husband.  We are not yet legally anything - no paperwork of any sort has been drawn.  My story only began three months ago when I discovered his affair.  I feel lost, alone, devastated, scared, angry and yet still love him too. 

I think that the reason for wanting to reconcile even after having been through so much pain is probably what alot of others have said and it comes from fear of the unknown and loss of the life that you knew.  I think that is what it is for me.  I have four children still at home with my youngest being only 6.  I never wanted divorce to touch their lives.  I never wanted divorce for myself either having been through my parents many marriages and divorces.

The only way that I can overcome my thoughts of reconciliation is to remind myself of what my husband's response was when his mother asked him what in the world he was thinking, because he is married and has a lovely family with four daughters to consider - he said "but I met someone".  I think that says it all.  That level of selfishness cannot possibly be good for me or for my daughters so while I still dream of some miracle to happen, I realize that it's a dream in which my husband is the man I thought he was but will never be.

Hey Sweetie. You know my story but for the benefit of those here that don't, my ex left ten years ago after over eighteen mos of reminding me daily how much he did NOT want to be with me. And then disappeared one day. He did not leave for another woman, just did not want to 'play' home anymore. He came back year and a half later and first few mos were absolutely wonderful but it didn't last and ten years later (and ten years older) I am divorced and feeling unmotivated to keep going. He wore me out. All that coming and going of his left me with more heartache, destroyed self confidence and feeling unworthy. So it goes without saying I very much regret taking him back. He never meant to work on his issues - it was my problem, he said. 'What you see is what you get' was, and is, his motto. Perhaps few couples manage to work it out after the split but most fail and all that's left is more pain and heart that gets ripped out over and over. It's hope against reason. But heart can't be dictated what to feel. I know it hurts, hun, I know. There is that saying: If you have hope you have everything... Have hope for better tomorrow and for your strength to continue carrying you thru. You are a wonderful woman and you deserve a man who loves and respects you and makes effort instead of running. Acknowledge those thoughts but try not to let them overcome you, try to accept them as part of your grieving process. I'm sorry you are in such pain, Ann. Call whenever, I'm always here for you. ((X))

Hi Ann -   I read over your story, a couple of blogs and this post.  I wanted to get a picture of what was happening before I responded to you. 

I noticed that you talked about your former husband having returned to drinking after years of being sober.  I am sure I don't have to tell you what kind of hold alcohol can have on someone.  Once an alcoholic returns to drinking their lives often unravel very quickly.  It appears to me that this is what is happening to your husband. 

I feel for you...  seeing friends reconcile while your relationship is clearly over brings your pain into sharp focus.  That never feels good. 

There have been lots of comments here relating to the failure rate of many folks who try again after betrayal.  I can tell you that the numbers are not positive.  Many of those that try again do not make it through the pain that rebuilding trust takes.  Add the difficulty of dealing with alcohol addiction to that mix and your chances for success decrease even further. 

I am so sorry that you have had to deal with all this pain and loss.  You can be sure that one day your husband will wake up and have to survey the wreckage of his life in another AA meeting somewhere with a sponsor.  That is not a fun place for a partner.  Many alcoholics take their families down with them. 

I have a recommendation for you...  there is an excellent book, CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie.  I suggest you get a copy and read it.  It will HELP a great deal.  If you want to chat, I am here. 
Best -
Lisa

Yes indeed!  I still feel like you do but I have made up my mind althought my heart says otherwise.  I know what I contributed to our relationship, marriage and family.  My children are young adults and on their way into their lives.  With challenges that both parents should be available for help.  That was my ideal not his apparently.  Therefore, I must move on and make a life for myself and my future children. 

Whatever he does or has to say will never work at this point!  He decided that I was worthless therefore, I am to him.  I'll take that as long as he goes away because I'm not checking for him.  I miss him and I am lonely most of the time but I continue into my future and you should too.  Don't keep looking back.  I know that it's tough but you can do it.  Keep moving towards your new future.  Don't stop!  

I was totally blindsided by his actions so I initiated the divorce!  Needless to say he won't sign it but that's ok.  He hasn't even attempt one word.  So I have to keep it moving and so do you.  Run if you must!

It's hard, I know.  Even now, I wonder what I could have done differently to keep my ex from cheating.  The truth is, nothing.  If your STBX cheats, he's betrayed the very fabric with which your relationship is based.  You may ask yourself time and time again why you can't reconcile, but would you really want to go through the hell of finding out he's cheating again? 

Of course YOU are worth it.  The problem is that HE IS NOT!

Why not you? Hmmm.

about 2 years ago my ex-wife started having an affair and we wound up separating from October 07 - May 09. During that time I'd been through hell and back with her several times. Finally in May of this year we got back together. There were definitely ups and downs but one thing I noticed, she would never give in during the fights when I said to get rid of any reminders of her cheating. I moved out of the house a week ago and the very next day she was back with the guy she had left me for.  

Moral of the story here.... once a cheater always a cheater so don't bother taking them back.

i agree with you all totally that i would not THIS man  back. i am pretty sure i don't what THAT man either. i would never be able to trust him and i know you can't love someone enough into changing them. i guess i pray for him to become a new man; born out of all;  this who is sincerely changed. who wants a new relationship; loving, respectful, supportive.
 i am working on being a new person myself. school, friends, and family have shown me strength and love and i am moving in all the right directions, even if it seems like i am stuck. but i still ask myself questions in the middle of the night.

I feel your pain! My ex was involved with another woman, she broke up with him and for two months he cried on my shoulder, looked to me for support and emotional substance. They are now back together and he has told me he has never been "in love" this way! He was willing to give her a second chance after dating for 1 1/2 yrs, but would not even consider giving our 14 year relationship a shot! He told me she has changed everything for him! How's that for a shot to my self esteem!! I gave him the best of me and now I find out apparently that was not good enough!
So yes it is normal for you to be looking at your situation and saying "Why me?" But everything happens for a reason, honey, and maybe your reason is to find your inner strength, build up your self and become the fabulous person you are...without your ex! Good Luck to you.

I feel for you so much as I ask the same question everyday. I do not think I will ever know. He initiated the divorce.  Left me and our son 13 years old, was married 27 years. Left for another women.  Some days are worse than others but think about it would you ever truly trust him again or always be in fear he would do it again.  This is a very scarey road of the unknown. If kids or involved it is worst the not knowing but we have to have faith and believe that it all was for a reason. I will pray for you and your family.

First, every situation is different.  I stayed with my husband way too long.  All that time, attempting to make work something that didn't.  I think you need to examine what you are really wishing for: your husband (with all the issues you've faced, knowing that it's unlikely he'll change)? Or the desire to have a loving relationship?  I can say with all honestly, that I have NO desire to reconnect with my soon-to-be ex in any romantic way.  I gave our marriage our all and have nothing left to give.  That's not to say that I don't want another relationship with the right man, someday.  But that man isn't my husband.  There has to be love, affection, respect and care for the other person for that to work.  If that's not there, then why would you want someone who doesn't want to give you what you deserve?  What every person deserves?  Do you really want to live the next 20 odd or plus years with someone like that?  I saw it as a rather bleak existence.  Instead, I chose to be friends with my ex and ran from this marriage that had become an anchor around my neck and existence.  He is not and will never change, I had enough and embraced the fact that he didn't care about me or respect my needs.  I was done being the good, faithful, loving, dependable wife.  It was time for me to connect with me and pave a life for my son and myself.

I think you need to embrace your newly single status and find what makes YOU happy.  How will you reconnect with YOU?  How will you establish a loving and wonderful relationship with YOU?  Everything else will fall into place.

It is a big gamble if the other will shape up or at least become a decent person. One shouldn't be forcing another to become another person. But there are situations that no fixing can help. I wish that there were more decent people out there with a responcible attitude, instead of this party and find more exciting things brain washing.

Best of luck but remember that you both need to put into it for it to work, no one said relationships were easy. check out audio books for Dr. Phil and Schlessinger.

Your feelings are normal. I was the same. We tried to reconcile for 2 years to no avail. It is ok- it will get easier. One day he will figure things out maybe!

I would guess in your friends' case both spouses came to the conclusion to reconcile for whatever reasons.

Sometimes people reconcile for another year or two and end up splitting up for the same reasons they had originally split, then they're left with that "I just wasted another year or two - I could have been much further on with my life had I not done that".

Yes, I've felt like that too. Everyone else on this site at least talks to their x. Mine won't speak to me at all. It hurts terribly. It makes me feel so worthless. I just want him to talk to me. I just want to know why he couldn't even tell me something was wrong. I know he has problems, but he dropped this on me out of the blue and I don't even know why. I feel that if I could at least talk to him I could let it go.

I know he never will tell me. It hurts. I know how you feel.

The only consolation I have is that I've thought about him coming back - then leaving again. I could never go through this kind of pain again.

i sometimes wonder that too! my stbx husband has struggled with unemployment (a direct result of his screwing around), eviction, repossession etc and still has refused to ask to come back. of course it's probably cause we've been down this road before and i made it clear that i wouldn't take him back. i know it seems unfair that others are giving their marriage another try while you don't get that opportunity. you have to really question why these people get back together. is it because they are so "in love" or just because they are afraid of the unknown, the unpredictable. it may not be love that drives them back it more than likely is fear. now think about that. would you want him to come back for that reason. i wouldn't want that!

The decision to divorce is one that is usually thought about in advance. The devastation caused by a divorce is as complete as the bomb dropped on Hiroshima. There is a great fear about the unknown and of course being alone. That being said there is or was a reason why the divorce was started in the first place. Why put yourself and your children though the hell a second time. Finish the divorce, heal yourself and children. If and only if the ex has made the necessary life changes then approach it like you would a brand new relationship. Take as much time as you need. Those friends who are trying to reconcile will be crying tears of regret at some point. Finish your old business first, then move on. If the ex is to be in the picture then make a judgement as a healthy individual, not a scared, desparate one.

i don't understand how being empathic and honest to others about my feelings is considered weakness by some people. it doesn't mean i can't or won't make the hard decisions. it doesn't mean i won't face the things i fear and walk through its hell. it just means i feel pain, and loss, and regret for having to inflict either of those things on others to protect myself.

Ann,

Hard to give you a good answer.. I have been there.. I tryed x3 to start over.. She kept talking with the other person behind my back. Its like gambling. I tryed seven times to make it work!! All I was worried about is the loss of my little girl. An in the end it still happen. I'm into it now for about a year now.Is it better or worse? Who knows everyone has a strange twist to there story. Sad thing is the X sent me a message the other day wanting to try over... She left, She cheated, She refused to work things out, She left me with evevrything. Execpt my only thing that keeps me going.. So to put it frank. I give the start over or to get back an last a slim 5% working. Just keep in the back of your mind what happen an can you see this not happening again or can be prevented. Will you TRUST him again?