My best friend, the other woman 

My former best friend has a child with a drug addict whose drug use has made him borderline schiophrenic. They were together off and on for about 10 years before they called it quits. When they were "off", it was because he would go on a binge and not be seen or heard from for several days and usually end up in jail. He'd get shipped off to rehab and she would go on and on about how they weren't getting back together EVER. After rehab, however, he'd show back up "trying" to get his life back in order with no place to stay. She'd let him move back in conditionally, but before too long they'd be a couple again. I honestly don't believe it was because she loved him...I really think it was because she was a struggling single mother and was desperate for help. I think she was lying to herself. During the times they were together I just could not be there for her. I just couldn't appear to support the relationship in any way. So I just distanced myself until they split up again. (They did finally break up for good.) You might need to do that. You're making a statement about how you feel without really saying anything. And it's not fair to you for her to drag you along on a ride you don't want to go on. If this is a big point of contention to you, it's not going to change or go away.

I'm not saying that's an easy thing to do, but it sounds to me like this whole situation has been detrimental to your friendship anyway, and maybe you are ready to move away from it. If this is how you feel, just start distancing yourself a little at a time.

Mal...I can't even offer an opinion, because people who have known me here and on Facebook know how I feel about cheaters.  She's your friend.  Just love her and hope for the best for her.

Isn't it a shame that so many of us have the personal experience of another woman coming into our marriages and the selfish men that invite them.  I agree with everyone who expressed disgust for what your friend is doing..hooray for the wife who said get the hell out .  She has more self respect than the husband and girl friend combined.  I have a very dear friend who insists on having a relationship with my husband (that is ok) and his girlfriend...that is not OK.  He is a married man, catholic like us and he and his wife are the guardians of our children God forbid they ever need one...point being, if you know it's not right don't condone it or enable it...if you are friends tell her how you feel.  If you weren't friends would you become her friend knowing what you know now?  Some how I doubt it.  Don't compromise your values for a friend.  Is that really the circle of friendship you want to be surrounded by...You might remind her that he only left when he was kicked out by his wife...what does that tell youy about him...show her the web site...she will need it when he cheats on her..hope I don't see her blog...there is never any reason to be the OW and she will get no sympathy here.  If she has any self respect at all she will send him packing and tell him he can return AFTER the divorce...wonder what he'll do with no one to take care of him..she should take that time to get some counseling and explore WHY she allowed herself to be a part of such an evil relationship that destroyed a wife and kids.  Then and only then will she see..hopefully!  Her fantasy life she's been living will be no match for reality and I'm guessing reality will bite her in the ass. Pray for her.

I'm sorry but  your friend has no self-esteem, self-respect, or morals.  The hurt that she is  inflicting on the wife and her children will surely come back to her. How anybody can be happy, excited, and elated over having broken up a family is beyond me.  Regardless of what that man may be telling her, he will always have a connection to the wife and she will live with the knowledge of how she got him, and that she will always be the other woman, even if he marries her.  In time she will surely regret her decision to take back that cheating wishy-washy loser who only came back to her because his wife put him out.  I wonder if she has put any thought to what kind of future they will actually have together.  Having come together via an adulterous relationship, lying, hurting others,,, it is almost a given that his family will never accept her, she won't have any "firsts" with him, he has had a wife before, and children too.  There won't a be a holiday where he won't be thinking of his kids, he'll have to provide financial support for his first family, that will cause financial conflict for her as well.  As far as your question, how do you act happy for her?,, well if you're really a good friend, then you don't if you're not.  Be honest with her about what you think,, or at the very least, be ready for when she is at the receiving end of the same pain she is now causing others. 

Your friend is in for a world of hurt.  A cheater will not change for her.  Someday, she'll be the one who doesn't understand him, and he'll have another stupid person thinking that the sun rises and sets on his lying self. 

Then, maybe she'll understand why cheating is wrong.  Maybe, you can remind her then, that she put another woman through just as much or more hurt.

May she NEVER feel the pain that the other woman is feeling. May he NEVER cheat on her.....maybe he never throw it back in her face ...Mexican men have a way of throwing that in your face...if not now later on after the "love/lust" wears off. 

Tell her to NEVER expect to be accepted by his family. Call it a culture thing but they will stick with the wife. If there are family events,...guess what? She will NOT be invited. She will always be shunned.

Is she really up to the challenge?

A long time ago, my best friend had an affair with one of my guy friends, who was married.  At the time, we were in our early twenties and I told her that I felt it was very wrong of her to be involved with a married man.  Long story short, he left his wife when she caught them and has now been married to my best friend for 15 years.

I didn't give too much thought back then to what the consequences may have been to the wife in the scenario.  But now that my husband has had an affair and my life seems to be falling apart, I know firsthand how the wife must have felt. 

There is really just never an excuse for getting involved with a married person.  The married person has the obligation to deal with their spouse before moving on.  A person outside of the marriage has the moral obligation to not become involved with a married person - it's called respect and consideration.

Maybe take her focus off of him and onto the wife.  Ask her how it feels to be responsible for devasting another woman's family, hopes, dreams?  Ask her how she thinks the wife feels knowing her husband and father of her children are somewhere cheating with another woman?  How a woman can do that to another woman is beyond my comprehension.

oh no...I clicked on that good post section and the number 76 is in there....HOW DO YOU CLEAR IT? Sorry

I think, as a friend, you have done all that you could do here.  You know, ironically, when my friends were getting married, I gave them my opinion, honest and as diplomatically as I could, and pointed out what I felt were weaknesses in their relationship and asked them to think about what they were doing, and if it still felt right, I would be behind them, whatever they decided to do and would be happy for them if this was what their hearts desired.  I felt it was my duty to point out the things that I observed about the situation or the would be spouse as a good friend once.  After it was said, and they were sure that they wanted to get married, I let it drop never to be mentioned again.  It wasn't my place to keep harping on those concerns...after all, they are adults and are fully capable of making that decision on their own.

Now, I say ironically because, nearly a decade later, their marriages are still going strong and mine ended in divorce.  But, I found it interesting that while I was going through my marital difficulties and the divorce process, many of those same friends and family members who slapped me on the back and just congratulated me when I proposed and told me what a wonderful woman she was came out of the woodwork and told me that they saw problems w/ my ex when I was dating her.  I know that they were trying to be supportive, in both cases, but I would have appreciated an honest assessment of the situation BEFORE I got married rather than going through the divorce.  I may not have LISTENED at the time, but then again...maybe having a person on the outside looking in telling me what their take on it may have helped me go into it without the blinders of love on and NOT seeing the problems to begin with.

You did the right thing...and I just hope you can be there for her when her world comes crashing down.  Some people just have to learn things the hard way...shame there will be so much collateral damage in her wake.

You can't talk sense into someone who is in love. They don't want to hear it and they can't imagine their feelings changing. They certainly can't believe that they won't live happily ever after.

I guess she doesn't have children? How anyone could cause that kind of lifetime of pain to the children of someoen they supposedly love is beyond my comprehension. Not only would I not have an affair with a married man, I DEFINITELY would not have one with a married father. How are his children supposed to look up to him? Are they going to follow his lead when they grow up? Will she even care that the children may always resent and disrespect her for her role in the demise of their family unit?

If she really cares about this man she should also care about his children. I think these are the kind of eye opening questions to ask.

give her the stats for not only the rarity of affairs working out but those that involve ex's and children rarely last long.

All I can say is Gross! I have absolutely no tolerance, no respect or sympathy for woman who date married men. In my opinion they get what they deserve. And of course he will do it to her cuz the saying is true...YOU LOSE A MAN THE SAME YOU FOUND HIM! I'm not bitter am I?? Only because a woman interferred in my marriage, and pushed and pursued, of course my stbx played a part in it too, but me personally would never get involved with a married man, one, its just BAD KARMA and two, they are never truly done, until they are DONE! I wouldn't be involved with a man until he was divorced for at least 2 years!! Anyway GROSS, GROSS, GROSS...that situation just totally GROSSES me out....CHEATING TO ME IS JUST GROSS!

First and foremost, I love my friend dearly. I know that she's making a poor decision and one that will affect many negatively, but she's more interested in how good SHE feels about things right now. I have told her how I feel, but ultimately, it's not my business. All I can do is be there for her when the shit hits the fan. Rubbing in what a bad thing she's doing is isn't going to change her mind...or his, obviously.

As a friend you see things she does not or chooses to not see.  Tell her how you feel and your concerns.  Your friend is getting into something she may not want to carry on later on.  I can't see how they could pretend to be committed to one another. 
And the kids, for those who have kids, they are hurting enough, she needs to consider their feelings first of all.

Your friend has low self-esteem, why play sloppy second when you can be number #1.  Let your friend know that she needs some standards!  Be a friend and let her know that you are not judging her but tell her how this all smells.  The smell stinks and it is going to get funker!!!

how good a friend is she?

clearly she is blind blind blind

if you love her - just be ready to pick up the pieces

and oh boy will there be pieces......

I really don't mean to be a jerk, but I just gotta say:  Find a better friend......

After everything you have been through, friend or not, I would tell her just how uou really feel....She needs to step up and realize the years of heartache she is causing for these kids...

Yes, if not her....someone else, but she will feel impowered as a women...I say TELL HER...

*Jumps off soapbox*

There are kids in the picture and maybe more in the future.
It's a complicated arrangement as he has commitments.
Romance should be free and uncomplicated, what makes it work is two people who together make their own complications and share in the joys of such.    Your friend is walking into a mess and isnot looking far enough into the future.    Is she really prepared to live a life of responsibility which she didnot create herself?

I agree with flutterby. I want it now and I don't care what happens. So many people today have a total lack of responsibility. They don't care what they do, they just do it. If it hurts someone else, who cares? Its what I want. Your friend is lacking somewhere. It is sad that she would be content with a married man like that. Obviously he didn't tell his wife or she would have left earlier. And like you guys said, if they cheat once chances are they will do it again.

I'm biased in this situation.  But, prior to my stbx's affair I was still against infidelity and adultery.  People should respect one another and if you want to move on then file for divorce, THEN start a relationship.  He never told me he wasn't happy.  We had moments when we weren't getting along but we were married 22 years.  There are going to be peaks and valleys.  Both your friend and her "man" need to seek counseling.  They are lacking in some very basic morals and she seems to be lacking in self-worth if she accepts this arrangement.  He sounds like a jerk that wants  his cake and eat it too.

I will never understand the mentality of cheaters and the OW/OM.  Is this the type of person you want to be with?  Why?  There is something very wrong with this scenario.  Our society is so screwed up.  I just don't get it.

Who else can give you a reality check if it isn't a close friend. Tell her she's being a moron. Yuck, the whole thing grosses me out.

If I were in your situation I'd do what I did with my friend who cheated on her husband (long. long story). I'd tell her very gently how devastating it is to have someone cheat on you. I'd ask how she will feel when he does it to her, which he most surely will.

My friend actually told me, when she told me about the cheating, that she knew it was wrong and felt a lot of remorse. The other man had sex with her a few times and then refused until she left her husband. It's a weird situation. I guess I couldn't pretend that it was ok. It wasn't. Luckily our friendship has survived it, but I don't think I could continue to be friends with someone who thinks cheating is ok.