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The white picket fence 

 I had lunch with a girlfriend yesterday. She and I met through my ex husband. We hit it off then and have remained friends but have not really kept in touch. Haven't spent much time with her.I guess it has been about 5 years other than hi how ya doing?

 We met at my favorite place to eat- around 12:30 . The food was great. It was awesome to see her again. Our personalities are similar and we immediately started talking and before we knew it - it was 3pm. Awesome time!

 The reason for this blog?

 She shared with me that she and her hubby had separated for a while recently. I told her of this site- what I have learned..and shared some things. As we were leaving, I told her that they need to stay in counseling. They need to keep their focus on them. YES the kids are important too but we tend to forget about our spouse when we are chasing little ones. She admitted they had neglected each other and she is just to much to blame for it as he is. That she is not happy with things the way they are.

 I looked at her and said BUT the grass is not always greener on the other side. You can think that it is- but when you get there many times when you look back you had a good thing. We all have an image of a house with a white picket fence. But is that obtainable? You guys married because you loved each other. You had kids because you wanted a family. Don't throw it away because its not the perfect image you have in your mind.

 Go to counseling- take time at least once a month for the 2 of you- remember why you married and stick with it! Both of you need to work at it. She said - well you know..you may be right! We are best friends!

 I just wanted to share this. I have had the white picket fence image. I really think many people if not everyone does! Maybe if many would realize that what they have is good! BEFORE it is too late- we would not need this site.

 So friends- Is your/your ex's or stbx's  dream obtainable? Do you think maybe that you , your ex or stbx had/have that image and that is the reason you are here/ I would love to have input on this! Did they envision married life to be different ? Did they envision it to be a cake walk?

 Hopefully my friend will work all of this out. They are both awesome people with awesome kids. Hopefully some food for thought will prevent yet another divorce!

 

 

 

by mtnvly  3539 Posts 

Posted on 9/12/2009 10:05 AM 		Get AlertsGet Alerts!
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Comments for "The white picket fence"  (13) (You must be logged in to answer)
I agree that there probably are marriages out there that end just because the couple didn't try hard enough or thought things would be perfect or had unrealistic expectations, but then how do you define unrealistic expectations?  Is expecting fidelity unrealistic?  Is expecting honesty unrealistic? How about respect?  Is expecting freedom from abuse unrealistic?  I think there are a lot of marriages that end because the white picket fence was the least of the concerns, and the majority of those SHOULD end for the good of all involved, including the kids.  But yeah, if the marriage is failing only because of a house or fence or some material dissappointment, then they are wimps and should try harder.  I think a lot of couples should take advantage of pre-marital counseling or marriage boot camp BEFORE they "try it."
by isanda   7 Posts
Posted on 9/20/2009 2:00 PM
0



Sometimes we just change during the course of time. 
 I have really been thinking about this post- is that my problem? Did my image of what should be have an affect on my first marriage? That is something I will never know as I realized a lot when he was killed.
My 2nd marriage ended due to mental illness so that was not the problem. But the relationships from then on?
 My image of a perfect marriage?
 Being loved & accepted  for who we are .
 Being able to tell that person ANYTHING- and be heard!
 Having someone beside you through lifes ups and downs. To hold you and hug you regardless if you need it or not!
Being willing to compromise- and sometimes agreeing to disagree.
Knowing that they will be there for you all the time!
These things need to go both ways and my list is probably much longer, but there is nothing on this list that I would not give back. I don't need perfection- just to be first in their life!
It makes me sad that I have never had this. I also wonder if I ever will-
by mtnvly   3539 Posts
Posted on 9/14/2009 9:22 AM
1



It is every girl's dream to have a loving husband and a wonderful life. But, when Alcohol takes your spouse away and you can't get it back. You know you can't make a person change. They have you want to change and help themself.
Life was nothing but a big arguement 24/7 it is nice not being in that place in my life. I wish it would have turned out different but, it just was'nt going to happen. I will always have a special place in my heart for him. But, I am moving on and I found a that loving man who puts me first not anything else. God works wonders!!!!!
by jamie   3 Posts
Posted on 9/14/2009 7:48 AM
0



I think Steph and Feebo are right. Every situation is different, and every day a person grows - good/bad/together/apart.. When my stbx and I marred he was 20 and i had just turned 20 a week before. The values we had and things we wanted in the future at that time were based on what we knew from our parents. We really hadn't formed our own adult opinions or personalities. In the last 14 years the things we've gone through changed us. Unfortunately we grew apart. No amount of counselling was going to make him OK with the person i am now. He said so much to my face.

If your friends just lost each other because of the kids' activities and the everyday grind, then yes, they should by all means try to get back to themselves and each other. I guess they'll just need to figure that out for themselves.
by OddGirlOut   134 Posts
Posted on 9/14/2009 7:47 AM
0



When I got married, there were a lot of things involved.  We were both in the same line of work, had the same values.  We loved each other.  We laughed alot.  We had similar goals.  We had plans for the future.    We still do. 

I hope that your friend is able to find her place in her marriage.  Yes, a marriage takes a lot of work.  Everything that is valuable takes time.
by Kitty7470   2620 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2009 10:22 PM
0



I think it really comes down to the actual reason for getting married.  Was it because those around the couple looked so happy and she wanted a feeling like that, or gee I would like a house/car/trips/just junk.  She may be better off on her own.  Am I being vindictive?  yes just a little because of circumstances but it is something to think about.  It is funny how your your grass looks pretty green when you are on the other side of the fence.
by Jamesalone   2778 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2009 9:33 PM
0



Ya know I agree with you on many things from this post. Most people today refuse to take responsibility for their actions and expect everything to be handed to them. Work on their relationship? Why? The can just move on to that grass is greener theory. Either way, growing as a person continues through your whole l ife. When you marry be it at 23 or 53, 2, 5, 19 years later you are gonna be a bit different than you were. Looking back, I wish I had listened to what my heart was telling me, but I didn't and that is my responsibility. Like euro said, if they don't want to work with you, you are lost. You can coulda woulda and shoulda all night long but in the end, you reap what you sow. If this person was the wonderful person that you thought they were, would you really be in this mess? Yes it is a 2 way street and yes both parties are responsible. I think in a lot of cases there is a winner and a loser but in the end if the relationship was bad, it is a draw.
by feebo   89 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2009 9:06 PM
0



I believe that everyone's situation is completely different.  I firmly believe that if you can look back to the beginning of your marriage and remember being truly happy then you should definitely do the work necessary to save your marriage.  I stayed in a marriage that was never quite right for 15 years and I look back at that time as "working on it."  I think I was working on trying to create something that was never there.  I realize the grass isn't always greener but after being separated for a year, I've never felt so whole or complete in my life.  To go back would feel like a lifetime of work and I don't think that's what marriage is supposed to be.  I realize marriage isn't easy but I don't think it should be that hard to love someone either.  I do have two children and I'm sorry that they have to go through the divorce process.  I never wanted this for them but they now have a very happy mother who loves herself and them like I've never been capable of doing while being married to their father.
by stephbo71   4 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2009 7:36 PM
0



Thanks for the great post, and your friend has a very good friend in you, she's very lucky
Blessings.
by Betrayedforaram   451 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2009 6:57 PM
0



Euro- I think the marriage should be saved not for the kids but for the family. We need to look back to what drew us to that person to begin with and focus on that. Take time for each other the whole time. At some point the kids will be gone and if there has been no focus on the couple they will look at each other and say WHO ARE YOU? Commitments need to be honored..considered more before making them! The relationship needs to be 1st..kids 2nd! A good relationship with your spouse only creates a good atmosphere for everyone..and everyone will benefit from it! Just as crap runs down hill so does the good stuff! It starts at the top...with the husband and wife!
by mtnvly   3539 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2009 2:31 PM
0



with kids your marriage is always worth trying to save. but the problem is most people today are selfish; wont take any responsibility and are only willing to place blame. if that is your situation, im sorry to say its hopeless. you know, its when your spouse is looking for the white picket fence! everywhere but her/ his self. if theyre blamers, it cant work cuz they wont try even though its their fault entirely, usually. and youll there trying to fix yourself til its over cuz ur sincere! good luck! good post.
by eurolease   5 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2009 1:43 PM
0



Maybe your friends marriage will be one that survives if they both think about the greener grass thing before it's too late.  I do think many times both spouses take each other for granted over time which is not a good thing from either perspective.  I know wouldn't always be like that first few months of dating after getting married but maybe people should strive for that in an effort to demonstrate they really value their spouse.  Life sometimes gets in the way of nurturing a relationship so maybe those who do survive had the intuition to recognize it early enough and take action.
I am sure your friend is very grateful for your act of kindness...
by curious123   979 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2009 11:01 AM
1



I'm sure you've inspired your friend to really give her marriage a go, that was very nice of you to do that.  I hope it works out for her.

Mine, it wouldn't have mattered if we were in a ten million dollar mansion, unless he fixed himself inside, we were doomed.
by lifeinpurgatory   1830 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2009 10:52 AM
2





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