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I feel like such an idiot... 

Today is my stbx's birthday.  I really miss him.  I emailed him yesterday to ask him to go to church with me today.  Surprisingly he agreed.  I was terrified that he would bring the OW with him.  At this point I have no clue what they would do.  I miss doing things for him so I baked him some brownies, got him a card.  He showed up for church and we were cordial.  Afterwards I gave him his gift and we hugged.  I told him I missed him.  He told me he misses our friendship but he doesn't miss the fighting and the apathy. 

 

He was the one having the affair.  He would pick fights so we wouldn't have to be intimate.  He would bite the girls' heads off because he was feeling guilty.  The apathy came because there was no pleasing him.  He checked out a long time ago.  We had no clue.

 

I was hoping for more.  That's my own fault.   I guess I wanted him to see me, 40 lbs. lighter, a smile on my face and realize he might miss me too.  I guess they are still enjoying the honeymoon stage and he really doesn't love me anymore.

 

I hear of all these people who's stbx's come to them and want to try again.  He wouldn't even consider counseling.  He's a sex addict.  He's lied and betrayed me repeatedly.  Why do I think he'd have any remorse?  I hate envying people who's spouses want to try and reconcile.  It makes me feel stupid, but I'm jealous.  I wanted to feel worthy.  I feel as if he just dumped me after 22 years and I didn't have a say in it.  I stood by him through EVERYTHING!  It wasn't easy.  Were there problems, of course there were.  I was suffering from depression as a result of his addiction.  But as soon as I have problems he bails.  How is that supposed to make me feel?  I was an idiot for reaching out to him.  I need to let go.  After being hurt today you'd think I'd figure that out.  I will have to keep trying.  This too shall pass.  Thanks for listening to me vent.

by flutterby  829 Posts 

Posted on 8/21/2009 2:14 PM 		Get AlertsGet Alerts!
Sent to Friendsend to friend
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Tags: lies , betrayal , stupidity , jealousy ,
counseling
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Comments for "I feel like such an idiot..."  (12) (You must be logged in to answer)
I am living this same scenario.  My husband's birthday was yesterday and he actually got angry that I sent him a Happy Birthday text message?  His emotional abuse is much like your husband's addiction issue.  They are ill and need the help of medical professionals and there is nothing we can do as lay people to help them.  Its ok to love him but don't beat yourself up over his inability to reconcile.  If he had cancer and was unable to reconcile, would you feel the same way?  Enough said.  He is sick and its not your fault!
by DGelatko   36 Posts
Posted on 8/24/2009 10:42 PM
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scratch the "ourselves to themselves". It's been a  long, long day.
by lvmykids   136 Posts
Posted on 8/24/2009 10:31 PM
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Hi flutters,

You know we do our best to try and see the good in people. We give them the benefit of the doubt more than they deserve. It's who we are. There will come the time and place when he realizes all the things you/we want them to see. It's just not when we want them to, that's what makes it harder. When that day comes you will wish them well and go on with your life because it won't mean as much as it could have. I know its hard. Seriously, I know it's damn hard but we can't change the unwillingly they just have to change ourselves. The strength is in you. Look for it, find it, hold on to it, and live it. I know you can do it. Stay strong.
by lvmykids   136 Posts
Posted on 8/24/2009 10:30 PM
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We are ALL here for you!!!!
(((HUGS)))
by macandmadismom   134 Posts
Posted on 8/22/2009 4:10 PM
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I am feeling exactly how you are feeling.  My husband took a job that requires him to work in Germany and Spain for three months at a time, with two weeks home in between.  At some point in the last year he met a woman in Spain and started having an affair.  Things between us got worse and worse each time he would come home and once I discovered the affair, I understood why. 

Now he hasn't come back here since April and hasn't called me on the phone since July.  He only emails me about once a week to see how our four children are.

I spend my time endlessly thinking about him, worrying about him and dreaming of how he'll come back and say how much he loves me and what a huge mistake he's made, etc, etc.  The truth is, he's already well into an entirely new, exciting life with his Spanish woman (who has no children) and as he said to me "it's so easy with her". 

I haven't filed for divorce because I feel that since he is having the affair and decided he wanted a divorce after I discovered it, he should be the one to deal with it. 

It's so hard to get through all of this, especially since we have to still be the responsible parent to the children.  That's what is so hard for me.  Not being able to just curl up in a ball and cry for as long as I want since I have to be strong for my four girls. 

I hope that you are feeling better today.  Maybe you can just know that you did a nice thing for him for his birthday and that just makes you a really wonderful, caring and compassionate person which is a really great thing to be!
by jmeredithny   39 Posts
Posted on 8/22/2009 4:05 PM
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We hang in there and hope for the best because a vow is a vow.  He made the concious desion to ignore the vow.  I think there is a special place in hell for those.  Just try to get through the days, you can vent here, it what this place is alll about.
by Jamesalone   2778 Posts
Posted on 8/22/2009 12:35 AM
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I know what you mean about being jealous of people whose spouses were willing to reconcile.  I read some of the blogs here and know that there are men who have agreed to go to counseling to try to save their marriage.  Unfortunately, my husband is not one of them.  My counselor told me that she has had people call her and beg for the next available slot she has because their spouse just told them that they want a separation or divorce.  I was so jealous when she told me that.  I understand that kind of desperation.  Apathy I just do not get.

     By the way, forty pounds? ...Good for you! Maybe you can let the rest of us in on how to do that...
by meteor   488 Posts
Posted on 8/22/2009 12:13 AM
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Dr. Laura S. stated, "There is no gain without pain. Why not ride the loneliness through and come out a stronger person as the result of it?"

We have to committ to keep moving forward and learn not to look back. It's easier said then done but we must do so...it's the only way out.

Reconciliation sounds great but lets remind ourselves that we are going throught this for a reason...and if you find your rational sense being overridden by mushy feelings...know that you are probably on the wrong track. Keep moving forward, don't look back and stay strong.

No contact is the best way to go b/c it will help you heal faster.

by ECV   44 Posts
Posted on 8/21/2009 11:42 PM
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We all feel that way. I know i have felt the same but think about it even if he did feel the way you want him to he can't admit it not to you at least.  So walk away knowing you look better you are improving yourself, and though you don't know tell yourself he isn't and that you deserve better.  Because you do.
by stperry   169 Posts
Posted on 8/21/2009 7:05 PM
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You nightmare started the same time as mine did.   It's easier for me as my wife is 3000 kilometers away.   If she were here, I would probably do what you have done.   You must get this man out of your thoughts.   You do love him yes, but he doesnot love you.   Anyone with a sexual addiction is extremely selfish and could never provide love in a meaningfull way.   Consider yourself fortunate as you know his true desires (fleshly).   You have survived way to long with this man, and it's  time to regain your chemistry which makes you a whole person again.   Stop the emails and donot give him gifts as he betrayed you and your family in the worst possible way, add to that his unrepentance.   You are wiser and must become stronger to move forward.   It's great your making progress as in weight-loss, but I hope that it wasn't for him.   You have nothing to feel bad about as you did good, but get him or the idea of been together again out of your mind.
by kevinwo   733 Posts
Posted on 8/21/2009 4:53 PM
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Oh --- I just so understand what you are feeling.  I know that too need to let go. I still miss  my ex and I want so much for him  to miss, miss, miss me.  I want him to see what a huge mistake he made.  But it just doesn't happen!

I am sorry that you have to experience this.

Take care
by thisismylife   59 Posts
Posted on 8/21/2009 3:18 PM
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I tried reconciling and it didn't work.  I had to learn to let go and realize I will be better in the long run for it.  It still is very painful but not as painful as wondering who you spouse is with whenever they are gone....
by curious123   979 Posts
Posted on 8/21/2009 2:36 PM
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