To the Internet and Beyond 

I’m a backwards guy. Not the, “I wear my clothing in cool Kriss Kross fashion” backwards. No,I’m the, I’m a little slow to pick up new fangled technology.  Ok, some times.  I wasdrug across the rocks by the sirens call of the iphone as soon as my ship hitthose waters.

“Death at the hands of merewives, there’s an app for that. “

Still, when it comes to upgrading old technology.  I drag my feet. I was really slow atupgrading my internet over the telephone service. It’s not because I feared thetechnology. It’s because I fear me.

See, when I first upgraded to a cable modem, I went a littlecrazy.  It was like moving fromtext to moving video. Not only could I talk on the phone and stay online but Icould download files without calling the family first and letting them know I’dbe out of touch for a few days.

Then I went mad with power. If faster was better, then Ineeded faster.  My ISP offeredblinding internet content at blinding speeds. I could download an MP3 at thespeed of sound.

The reality is, I didn’t need all that speed. The things Idid online only required I go at hares pace. That was really no more than thebasic internet package. That didn’t stop me.

That’s about the time MyEx stepped in—in all things. She wasthe hand keeping me from diving over the ledge. Since my divorce, I’ve keptmyself away from the edge. I’m playing without a net.

That’s why I was so disturbed last Friday.  I tried going online, but the servicewas down. I would need to talk to the cable company and be strong.  I called the Pirate Queen.

“Hold me.”

“Uhm, why?”

“I’m feeling weak.”

“Ok, weak in what way?”

I explained what I told her, and she understood.  “You can do this Rob, call . Be firm.Be strong.”

I called.  Ididn’t need to worry about being firm. I got a computerized voice.

“Please state the nature of your problem.”

I’ve heard this one before.  I hate it.  Thecable company’s computer rarely listens, and always talks down to me.  The thing is,  I’ve already done everything, she’s going to recommendbefore she calls. Eventually, she’ll switch me to a real person, but that’s notfor a while.  I could download Gone with the Wind over the phone beforeI get to talk to a real person.

“I don’t have internet service.” I speak slowly into thephone.

“You can’t access porn. Is that correct?” The voice asks.

“Uhm, no…Well, wait…Yes, that is true.”  I look at my download already stoppedmid progress.

“I’m sorry I didn’t understand your reply.”

That’s the other problem with the computerized assistant.She doesn’t understand conflicting answers.

“Yes, that’s correct.” I’ll keep it easy.

“Ok, then let’s get your porn up and running. First let metry accessing your modem from my side.”

I wait, for what I know is coming, and sure enough, shesays, “OK. I can’t contact you from here. Please unplug your modem. Please say ‘continue’ when you havedone that.”

Now, I’ve already done this.  If I were smart, I’d just say, “Continue” and let her gothrough, but no, I unplug it again, like this time it will do something special. 

I tell her to continue, and then she tells me where to putthe plug. I comply. Neither of us sounds surprised when that doesn’t work.

“OK. That didn’t appear to work. Please turn on your TV.”

I do.  There’s apicture on there.

“Please say continue when your TV is on.”

“Continue.”

“Is there a picture?”

“Yes.”

“Please change the channel to be sure.”

Once again, I comply, but consider I should tell her whereto put the plug.“Yes.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’ve changed the channel.”

There is a pause.

“Is there a picture?”

“Yes.”

Now I’m sitting still with my legs on my desk. At this rateI could have not only downloaded Gone with the Wind, but forwarded a copy tothe Pirate Queen.

“Good. Now we’re going to look at your network. Do you havea Wi Fi setup? A Wi Fi setup is any network that’s configured to…” I tune herout.

I know what a Wi Fi is.  I have Wi Fi. I’ve already unplugged my Wi Fi router, and removed it from the system.It wasn’t the problem, but I knew that even if I got a person, it would beeasier to troubleshoot without the router. As far as the computer is concerned,I don’t have Wi Fi.

“…Do you have Wi Fi?”

“No.”

“OK. I want you to unplug your Wi Fi router.”

What?  I saidno. I try repeating, “I don’t have Wi Fi.”

“I do not understand that.”

“No Wi Fi.”

“I’m sorry, let’s try again. Please unplug your Wi Fi.”

“There is not a Wi Fi hooked to my system.”

“Please unplug your Wi Fi.”

Fine, it’s unplugged,“Continue.”

“Ok, now plug back in your Wi Fi router.”

Well, this wouldn’t be a problem, except my computer is setto ignore my Wi Fi. Plugging it back in without resetting the controls won’twork. I’m not about to reset the controls just for the phone computer to tellme it’s not working.

“I don’t have Wi Fi” I insist again.

“I don’t understand.”

“You know what? ____ you! Just put a _____ real person onthe line so I can tell them my ______ problem!”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know! That’s the ____ problem!”

“Let’s try again, please plug your Wi Fi back—“

I’m pressing random buttons on the phone. I know somethingwill get me a real person.

I find several buttons that don’t work. I find throwing thephone against the wall doesn’t have any results either. Finally I press somemystic combo and a get a new voice.

“Ello?”

It’s human! At least I think so. She sounds Canadian. Howcan I be sure that while the computer has kept me on the phone, Skynet hasn’tinfiltrated Canada?

I have no choice but to trust her.

“My computer isn’t working. My internet is—“ I stop. I’mstaring at a Google page. My internet is no longer down.  Howdo they do that?

“Uhm it looks like I’m up again. Uhm, nevermind.” I feellike an idiot. I bet she thinks I’m lying, and my internet was never down.

“That’s good news! Well, while I have you on the line, letme see.” She pauses. She’s looking something up.  “Mr. Boyd.  Ishow here that I could set you up with faster internet service for the sameprice you’re paying now.”

My world folds in upon itself. I hear nothing but the word,“Faster.”

“Faster?” I ask. “How fast?”

“New super infinity.” She replies.

Infinity.  Ilike that speed.  “Please! Infiniteme!”

“I also show that you don’t have a Wi Fi. I have a plan thatcould remedy that for you too.”

Yeah, so now I’m set up with the fastest internet known toman.  I also have 2 Wi Fis cuzthat’s better, right?  I know whatthe Pirate Queen told me. Still I think she’ll be happy, I’m sending her thiscopy of Gone with the Wind I’vedownloaded.