Going backwards 

I'm dealing with no being able to settle any issues with my STBX because he is more concerned with getting what he needs to support his new family rather than making sure his current family is taken care of. Since his new family is no concern of mine, and my son and I are my only concerns now, my STBX and I are unable to see eye to eye on anything.

As a result we have to go the whole court route with evidence and testimonies. I don't have an issue with court, just the testimony and evidence. Of course my STBX lies on the stand. It's difficult for him to lie as much as he wants to because I've done such a good job documenting the heck out of everything and getting evidence for everything. But now and then he surprises me with lies for things I never expected he'd lie about.

I have kept almost every e-mail he'd ever sent me for the past 10 years. Why? Because if he died the e-mails were my love letters between us. Unfortunately they ended up as evidence instead. So tonight I'm going throught the e-mails looking for evidence to prove he purgered himself. I'm finding it, but I'm also getting sad because I read these e-mails I sent to him with so much love. I read the e-mails from him thinking that they were full of love. Now I don't know. I hear how he hadn't loved me for months, while his e-mails to me stated the opposite.

On the one hand I've done a good job at working on moving on, but then I have a set back like this and I remember the man I loved so much. I mourn that he's dead or never even existed. I've learned to be happy being without him, but after reading those e-mails a part of me still longs for that life and man back. It will never be again, but I read these e-mails and can't imagine how our bond ever got broken the way it did. I thought it was so strong.

I can't wait until the divorce is 100% done. No more reminising while looking for evidence. I got rid of all the pictures before the cheating, lying, betraying bastard ever moved out of the house. I'll never regret getting rid of the pictures. I look forward to the day that I can get rid of 10 years worth of e-mails and never regret it or look back again. Looking back will never be good for me today.