Parenting question, well relationship too 

Should I really expect her to change? I am trying to get my head around this. Two nights ago we had an altercation with my son.(10yrs old)  He complained about having to come in early. He did come in but was huffy. He started playing with some rope and it was his sister's. She asked for it back, he wouldn't give, and then my wife tried to take it away and he gave her ropeburn. She sent him to his room which he refused and as he turned away, she spanked his butt. He turned around and tried to smack her twice. He denied it, but I saw the whole thing." What's the hell is wrong with him?" she says. I escort him to his room and come down to talk about it. My girls, 9 &12 were hugging her in the kitchen. She uses them for support, like buddies. I asked them to leave so we could talk and proceeded to tell her he needs discipline routine and limits. They are all sleeping in my wife's bedroom 2 weeks after they have moved in because she doesn't seem to see setting up their rooms as a priority. She tells me that it is too much right  now. Yeah, ya think!?!?!? I also tell her she needs to make them take responsibility for their actions. I told her she doesn't do it, how does she expect them to? I had to sit outside my son's room til he fell asleep because he wouldn't stay in his room. I told my wife later that he lost his bicycle and library books due to his behavior. So last night she let him sleep in her room and tonight she texted to ask if I took his library books. I am talking to a wall.  Here is another example. Our oldest has a bit of a problem with sweets. So she asked if she could have ice cream for dessert and I said no. She kept trying to argue the point. She is 12. I know it is her job to argue, but both my wife and mother in law sat there not saying anything. Finally my wife says, "I agree with Dad." Later her mother calls and asks my wife if they could get Frosty's? My wife says, " I don't care." OMG! am I the only one who sees this insanity? There are times when we seem to be getting along so well then this same behavior shows up. It has never changed. If it doesn't benefit her, she doesn't do it. I allowed her to keep 4 of her 7 (yes really) cats here at my house and she was supposed to come clean and feed them. Three days ago, she didn't come til 6pm. The next day she mentioned it at about 8pm and I told her I did it. i can't sit and wait til the cats decide to use the rest of the house as a toilet because the boxes are full. Since I did that, she hasn't said a word about cleaning them. I know I am a doormat. Has anyone ever dealt with a spouse who is this irresponsible? Fortunately, I am going to Florida in 2 days and will get a break from this craziness. Oh hey how about this. My daughters, wife and I were sitting and my oldest says " Dad if you aren't here what will happen if my brother acts like that?" My wife says " I'll call the cops." Great.

BTW as soon as I am able to work I am getting my house ready for them to come stay whenever I am in town. Even if they never do, I have to be able to give them the option. ARGH! So frustrating!

Sorry another thing. My son has anger issues. This is the first time he has raised his hand to his mother, but he has done it to me and has caused damage to things in the house before.