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define " for the kids"?

for the past three hellish years, i have been told (by every one including her) to forget about her and be there " for the kids" that " they need you" and " you need them" .

personally, i am so tired of heareing this crap. what do they need me need me for other than money? i'll tell you all; the truth of the matter right now. THHEY DON'T NEED ME FOR ANY THING! they have proven this time and time again over the past three years. have i needed them. absolutly. have the offered or attempted to help me in any way shape or form? absolutly NOT!

will someone please tell me exactly what they need me for? and please don't use the worn out cliches of " to be a role model" or any of the stupid stuff that i have been hearing for so long. just about every answer i get on this subject i reply with " that is what she is for" as for " being a male role model" i was replaced in this area by HIM so that is'nt going to fly either.

the only time that i am even conteacted in any way ( by them or her) is when the need money, when they want something or anything else that has to do with THEM. to this very second, i have neverr been contacted by any of them in any form of way that would be concidered a form of "just wanted to say hi" or " dad i have a problem, could you plese help me" or " just wanted to say i love you and i miss you" nothing that any one would concider to be that of a child who wishes to have arelationship with their father. so is it any surprise that i lost it one noght and told them" concider me dead, i'll concider you dead, and you can call the new guy daddy.

this entire matter of just drives me up the wall. she has told me on more than one occasiont that they have told her that they " just want me to be their dad" what in the hell does this mean. does it mean that i must kiss tthe asses of my own children ? to constantly and consistently bend to their will like i have for this past three years? when does it stop? when can i talk to my sons about what i want ( to go home)? what i need ( her) and all of the oter things that allow me to enjoy life and look foward to tomarrow?

when do i get the life i struggled so hard to hae back?

by drkstr 27 Posts

Posted on 7/31/2009 2:54 AM

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Comments for "define " for the kids"?" (6) (You must be logged in to answer)

Wow! You are projecting extreme pain and I don't think you even know it.
All I can say about your post is that you need to get some help because you are about to explode and the kids don't need to see you in the middle of a meltdown.
I don't know how your relationship was with your kids so, I'm not gonna have an opinion on that.

Please take care of yourself.

by lostintranslation 73 Posts
Posted on 8/3/2009 3:26 PM

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(con't)

If they were adult children I MIGHT be able to understand your speech to them. But they are young, impressionable kids. They learn behavior foremost from you and their mother.

Do you really want to teach them by example that this is how to treat a child? To treat another human creature?

Hurt, yes. Grieve, yes. Feel frustration, yes. But don't take it out on your kids and try at all costs to shelter them from the worst of the pain and fall out from divorce.

by delia_M 2861 Posts
Posted on 8/1/2009 12:49 AM

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so is it any surprise that i lost it one noght and told them" concider me dead, i'll concider you dead, and you can call the new guy daddy.

Fucks sake, ok...if you were married 15 years, and your kids came after saying "i do" then they are still CHILDREN. Whether teenage or younger, they are children. YOUR children.

Do I agree with staying in a hellish marriage "for the kids"? No.BUT, your quote, what you told them, was way over the line, in no way acceptable, under any circumstances.

Your kids didn't cause the break up of your marriage. That is between you and your wife/ex, whatever.

I got some hard news for you, Your kids may not tell you that, may not call you "just to say I love you" for years into their adulthood. And that, buddy will only happen if you be the best dad you can be - yes, FOR THEM.

As for why you should? I can think of several reasons.

1) they are YOUR kids (i hope)

2) because it's the right thing to do, damn it.

3) children are the most innocent of divorce victims. They have no say, no control, no voice on who to live with or what they want out of everything.

4) They DO need you. They NEED a solid connection with "daddy". Sorry that you don't want to hear "you're a role model". Suck it up. You stuck your stick in the honey pot, and fathered those children. Now man up and BE their father.

Being a parent means you WILL hurt, many times, as your kids grow up. That's what unconditional love means. It means you cherish and protect them at all costs, regardless of how much it hurts sometimes, or how we feel slighted sometimes, or ignored, or unappreciated.

by delia_M 2861 Posts
Posted on 8/1/2009 12:49 AM

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Yikes. Im sorry for what you are feeling, but I kinda get the feeling you expect your kids to make an effort to connect with you when, in reality, you are the adult/parent and that job belongs to YOU!
hmmm....are you taking alot of your resentment and issues that you have with your ex out on the kids? Im sorry. I dont mean to offend you. But your bitterness towards the kids is transparent.

Its not their job to be there for you. Its YOUR job to be there for them and to make an effort to connect with them in any way possible.

Call them. Engage them. Contact them. Love them. PLan with them. Connect with them on their terms if you have to! Be there for them come hell or hight water.

What steps are you taking to connect with your children so that they want to be with you and need you for more than just "money"????

Just food for thought.

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 7/31/2009 1:16 PM

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How many years did you spend with them (in one household)?

How was your relationship with them before the split?

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 7/31/2009 12:21 PM

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How old are your children?
How long have you been divorced?
Sounds like you are in a lot of pain and still wanting a relationship with you ex.
Maybe get into counseling to help you deal with feelings and bring some peace in your life.
I can't answer the question about for the kids until I know how old they are.

by sjg 1772 Posts
Posted on 7/31/2009 10:59 AM

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