Mall Cart Love 

This strange thing with the Pirate Queen has medoing other strange things. Things I've never done before. Things involvingbootstraps, bed knobs and broomsticks and other Disney surprises.  Nextweek is Tarantino week. That's got me a little disturbed.

"Bring out the gimp."

That's next week. This week is a little mouse andtickle. That's why I'm in the mall at 10:00 A.M..  Well sort of why. I'min the mall at ten because Monday's the PQs first day at work and she wants todress to the nines.

My man side rears it's ugly head while she'sgetting her pedicure.

"Would you like an appointment, sir?"

"Me?” I shake my head like Scooby Doo hearingthe word “ghost.” I backpedal, “No!  I'm just visiting."

My virility threatened, I hoist up my dress and runlike a little girl from the salon.

See?  That's a foreign place to me. I wasraised a man. We take care of our toenails the old fashioned way: with ourteeth, on the couch, during a ball game.

"Kiss me my pirate!"

"Uhm, is that toe jam between yourteeth?"

Yeah, I'm Don Rob Juan, but I'm comfortable withthat. The Queen seems to be too. I'm also more comfortable outside the salon. Iused to work in a mall. These outside people are my people.

"Pierce your nipples, sir?"

Ok, maybe things have changed. In my day, girlssaid "hello" first.

Another thing that's changed are mall carts. When Iworked in the mall, aisle the space between store fronts was for stampedingonly. Nobody put a cart there because it was like trying to open a smoothie hutin the middle of the Mississippi. You can try it, but you’re more likely tofind the wreckage on the Macys delta.

Now they've dammed things up with little blingshacks manned by bored college kids in high chairs. At least that's what I usedto think. While waiting for the PQ's nail primer to dry I observed the kioskpeople.

There are actually many different personalitiesthere. There are the high chair kids,but there are also the cell phone zealots selling service and preaching callplans that last till the end of the world.

Then there are the normal folk; everyday peoplemaking s buck. I sat and watched a middle aged man and woman pull down the tarpand roll out their wares next to each other.

"Good morning!" he smiled.

"Good morning to you." she tilted herhead a little and the line of her lip went straight up. There was obviouslysomething there.

That started me wondering. I was always taught notto poop where I eat.

"Robby, get your hairy butt off the goodchina!"

When it came to dating in the workplace, I tookthat seriously. I didn't  do it.I'd known others who'd tried, but when things go wrong with the girl in housewares, there you are pooping on the plates once more.

Is it the same way in the new world of mall cartstoo?  If things don't go right, can you just pick up your cart and go homeor are you stuck playing house next to somebody you can't stand?

"Good morning!"

"Screw you!"

Yeah, that makes it just like a bad marriage. Nobody wants to see that. It looks like this couple is taking it slowlythough. I hope it works. Some day they'll take it past "good morning."

"You ready?" That's the Pirate Queen.She's done and she looks gorgeous. Of course I’d think that if she sat on thecouch, ankle folded up, big toe disappearing past her lips. I’m wild abut thewoman.

"Not quite. I'm taking it slow."