what is wrong with me? 

One thing about humans is that we are adaptable.  Feelings are just feelings.  The feelings you describe are not from a cut on your hand, but on your heart.  The heart is the seat of all motivation and many things good and bad come from it.  The mind however is a conscience which guides us in the right direction.  Try to the best of your ability to fill your mind with new thoughts as we only use .05 of our brains capacity.  Your heart is stuck in the past and like honey it takes a long time for it to drain itself of painfull memories.  Your are worth it.  You certainly can put your life on hold for this process to work.  Don't be hard on yourself, just go with the flow of comfort and really recover.  I am excited when people write me, I hope that you will do so.  Kev

I know what you mean. I swore to myself up and down that I was not going to give her insight into my life because I know she will not reciprocate, and when I do share with her, I receive a look of condescending pity. And what did I do 2 nights ago on the phone while discussing some logistics...blurted out details that I told myself I was not going to tell her. When it comes down to it, she is still the one I want to share my life with, she is still the one I want as my confidant. I don't think she feels the same (so far, she's said that she's not sure, but she's also said she doesn't see what the avenue to us getting back together will be), and still I can't help this 20-year habit of sharing interesting details of my life. I hate it when I do it, and I beat myself up, and I can be rational about it afterward, cognizant of it, and I still think I'll repeat the behavior. I honestly hope you can find your reconciliation with this dynamic. I have no advice, just empathy.

Counseling will help you identify what YOU contributed to how your life and marriage turned out.   Painful, yes.   But very valuable because once you know what you do to make yourself unhappy and attract unfulfilling relationships you can consciously choose not to make the same choices in both behaviour and action.

I finally agreed to give counseling a try and I must say I am 100x better than I was a few months ago when my husband filed.    I spend 99% of my sessions on me, my progress on building a better life and overcoming my "head in the sand" mentality when it comes to love.     The other 1% of my counseling time is spent on discussing the past for context and to highlight my patterns.

I would suggest you give some counseling a try to help you get clarity.

Initially in counseling you will have to dredge up the marriage but I've been going 6 months and the focus is more on me now.  Learning how to deal with the alone time in the evenings, getting the self-confidence back to go out with friends on a Friday night.  So try not to look at it as a negative.  Embrace it as a way of discovering the new you and starting a brand new, bright future!

Thank you for just making me feel like this is somewhat normal.  I have been to counseling, not recently, but I am so trying not to go back.  I am so tired of talking about this, but maybe I need to.  I think what makes this so much more difficult is that I come home and there is no one to talk to.  Yes I have my dogs...thank God... but no human contact.  I do have family and friends and that definitely helps, but the being here alone really sucks.  I know I am very fortunate in many ways and I try very hard to stay positive.  I think the no contact is what I have to do with him.  I do seem to do so much better.  
Thanks again.

LOL, I meant mid-liFe crisis but I thought it was an interesting freudian slip

valley, individual counseling has really helped me.  I feel your pain.  When you aren't the one initiating the divorce it kindof blindsides you.  My stbx left because of another woman and it's amazing when he tells me how miserable he was for so long.  Really?  I was there.  It didn't happen that way.  My counselor told me that cheaters and men going thru mid-lie crisis re-write history to justify their actions.  Doesn't make it hurt any less even though there's an explanation.

Focus on yourself.  Make a list of things that you've always wanted to do and start doing them.  I am trying that but the difficulty I'm having is that I want to share these experiences with my stbx.  I have to find a way to get over that.  I need to find me a travel buddy because I absolutely love to travel.  That used to be him.

Maybe try no contact for awhile.  Believe me, easier said than done, I know.  But I do so well when I don't text or talk to him.  We had a bad fight this morning and I've had a terrible day as a result.  I asked his sister why I'm such an idiot when it comes to her brother.  She didn't know what to say.  I don't know what to say.  I do know that I am becoming a better person away from him.  He really brought me down and I never realized how much while I was in the situation.

Hang in there.  We're all trying to find a new normal.

Well, first off, I think you are a smart woman.  You just happen to be a human being with a heart, and a big heart.  I read your story and read all  your blogs before responding to this.

It is a very heartbreaking story.  You guys were together a long time and for you to be so much in love still is great.  I feel so bad that your ex doesn't seem to possess those feelings he must have once had.

But, you have to accept the feelings you have, of course you're upset and seeing him can't make it better, it would bring up past emotions again.  You have to allow yourself to be upset and cry, get mad, cry again....for a while.  But you eventually have to find that strong woman you possess inside you to take over for you.

Don't obsess your brain with the "my life's over" "I'll never fall in love again", etc.  Let it come in due time, naturally.  Right now you're probably putting up the vibes that you are not available (emotionally).  Once you are okay with yourself, those vibes will be put out and attract people.  But that shouldn't be a priority, of course.

Right now, you got to plan for you.  Get your support group (family, friends, groups, and yes doggys) around you and stay busy.  It'll get better day by day and if you feel you can't do it and feel depressed beyond your control, then do what Spaz suggested and get into therapy/counseling.

Take care, write me anytime.  ((hugs))

Are you in counseling? If not, I suggest you look into it to help you move forward.