Its over, I just need to admit it to myself! 

It has been one of the most painful and confusing weeks since our April 15 separation.  He missed two marriage counseling appointments this week.  He used the "I was working" excuse both times and blamed me for making appointments when I "know" he cannot make it.  The last appointment was at 9 pm and he still could not make it.  I called him to tell him I was finished with this emotional nightmare and he refused to accept that.  Since that call, I did exactly what I said I would not do:  Contact him.  I sent him a text last night and he called and totally freaked out on me because I "woke him up".  He yelled and screamed at me for texting and waking him and not respecting "boundaries" (which I don't know exactly what that means).  I feel worse because I did exactly what I promised myself I would not do, contact him.  The ironic thing about the text was the content.  I woke up and missed him so much and just wanted him to know that even with all that has transpired, I still wake and miss him in the middle of the night!  He certainly did not react the way I had hoped he would.

I am not sure why I continue to allow this man to treat me so poorly, yet I still have feelings for him.  He has show me so many times that he doesn't want this yet I believe what he says when he tells me all he needs i time and space to figure things out.  I am going to give it my best shot and not contact him at all and let the cards fall wehre they may.   

I need a reality check again and maybe even a written "beating".