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Feel like giving up...

It's been a rough day, week, month....I've been trying to figure out where all this emotion is stemming from. I think subconsciously I can't help but think this is the month, last year, that the emotional part of the affair started. I went on vacation with my youngest daughter to Colorado because he couldn't take any time off and the OW had flirted with him over the phone at work. When I was gone they were free to call each other whenever and it all started. The physical affair started in September.

I was doing so well. I was making tentative plans for the future. He spends time with her last week and he comes back and makes all these proposed changes to our financial arrangement. Legally I don't have a leg to stand on. I thought that he was finally going to be a man of integrity but of course, he resorts to his true self.

I'm not suicidal. But I've lost my will to try. I'm SO TIRED. I have to be strong all the time. I had to be strong throughout the marriage. When I allowed my depression to get the best of me that's when he bailed. Nevermind that I stood by him through all of his episodes stemming from his addiction. I even tried to leave once and he BEGGED me to stay. That was 12 years ago. Now when I'm the one doing the begging he tells me that I just need to accept that he doesn't love me anymore and he can't just turn those feelings back on.

I've made a list of all the lies, bad things, everything that has transpired over the past 22 years. It hasn't been pretty. I've endured alot. Not as much as some and more than others. I don't want a pity party. I just want the pain to end. I know Kev, I can choose to have a better life. I'M TRYING. I have been begging God to lift this burden. I want him to take this away and help me persevere.

I guess I just realized that he isn't going to miraculously show up on my doorstep and realize what a horrible mistake he made. He isn't going to prove everyone wrong and do the right thing. He isn't going to wake up one morning and be the man I thought he was when we got married. There's no going back. And I don't want to. I was just hoping we would both learn from this and move on together into the future I had envisioned. It hurts so much when you realize that isn't going to happen. I keep setting myself up. There will be a situation where he has the opportunity to do the right thing and he continually doesn't. What happened? Why did this happen? I loved him the best way I knew how. I tried to be the best wife. Was I always? No, of course not. But I did the best with what I was given. Our two amazing daughters are proof that we can do something right. I worked very hard to get us financially secure and now I will have to struggle the rest of my life and he won't? How fair is that? His credit was horrible when we married and it took years to fix. Now he will reap the benefits.

I'm sorry. I'm just at a loss. I can't stop crying. I can't seem to get my act together. I feel so ALONE. Believe me, I know how pathetic I sound. I desperately want this relationship of his to fail miserably. He will never hurt the way I do because he is incapable, but I just want him to experience rejection and then have nothing to show for it.

Thanks for listening/reading. I know this too shall pass but right now it doesn't feel like it.

by flutterby 829 Posts

Posted on 7/15/2009 11:07 PM

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Tags: depression , affair , addiction , sadness ,
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Comments for "Feel like giving up..." (10) (You must be logged in to answer)

I know what you mean about having to be strong all the time. It is so tiring. You had to be strong for you and your daughters while it sounds like he just looked out for himself. I shake my head and wonder how D got to have a free ride these past few years and I had to be the responsible adult. And somehow I am the bad guy for wanting out? Grr..Someone described life after a broken relationship as "the big question mark". I kind of like that. It all looks so uncertain, but that can be positive somehow. I have to believe that there are good things around the corner for you. People you never would have met without this experience. Opportunities that will help you financially, emotionally...Of course, if I did not believe that I would have trouble getting out of bed each morning!
Writing down everything that has happened over the past 22 years is a good idea. It is not a pity party. It is taking a good look at everything you went through for this relationship, for your family. I want to do the same thing, writing down the entire story of our relationship(I'm thinking about possible titles..."The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"?). I like Iam's bumpersticker idea. I'm thinking T-shirts, too. In all seriousness, I know that divorce is not easy, but I do hope that things become easier for you

by meteor 488 Posts
Posted on 7/18/2009 8:57 AM

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Flutter, you speak the language that I hear form people who attend 12-step programs. I am going ot throw you a curve ball: Let go and let God does NOT equal let go and give up. Do not all into the passivity trap!

I prefer the "Smoky Bear" attitude: ONLY YOU CAN (fill in the blank). Honey, if it's one thing divorce has taught me, it's that I can't rely or depend on the ex. Only on myself. So I better start living up to my expectations.

The downer days are hell. The crying, fear, and loneliness can seem unbearable. But ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT LONELINESS. I will make you a bumper sticker: "I'm a Friend of Smoky B."

by Iam 474 Posts
Posted on 7/17/2009 6:50 PM

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Sweetie you will have days likes this. Remember? I never promised a bed of roses, but eventually you will get tired of feeling bad.

Only you have the power to stop this. When you decide to move on you will. I promise you.

Do you really want him back? After everything? I doubt it..it might be our ego or your pride as a woman. Can't say that I blame you.

I see A. and I can't help but smile. If I had not had a jerk like JP. in my life I would have NEVER met this incredible man that makes me feel like the sexiest thing on this planet. You will meet that man...I promise and you will look back and thank your lucky stars you got out when you did....

Keep up with the therapy....keep reading....move on...

Abrazos from N. Carolina....

by vlady 2119 Posts
Posted on 7/16/2009 9:34 PM

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My heart goes out to you. I have had so many days the last couple of years when I just feel so tired and just want to quit. You just keep looking for a bright spot and some days it feels like nothing is there. Good days and bad days. Hugs to you!

by sherbear 25 Posts
Posted on 7/16/2009 8:38 AM

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Hi F, just so you know, my real name is Kevin. Our suffering is worse than death and we have to dismiss the idea that our ex's are having a wonderfull life. That may be true for a short time but problems of huge proportions will arise. Eventually they will be worse off than before and find that they are in the desert all alone...........Our spouses became selfish and sought to fulfill their desires regardless of the consequences. That is what happened and it is a hard pill to swallow for us. In time you will believe it and be more able to deal with your feelings. In my opinion, he is not worth it at all and if I could, I would tell him what a low life person he is. I have seen your personality and it is full of charm and good endeavors to make things right. Your busy activity in here is a stress reliever which is great as it takes you away from your problems. That's why I am in here too. You must get a grip on the situation and not let it get you down. Go to the library and get books on subjects that you would love to learn of. Fill your mind with positive thoughts which will crowd out the negative thinking pattern. You could be on a destructive course and I hope that you realize that fact. Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. You must try to dicipline yousrelf to accomplish your goals. The funny thing is, is that there is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. In the meantime, keep busy so as not to think. Also, fill your mind with new information and lastly, care for your health well. I thank you for posting on my wall and I am truely interested in how you are making out. If we lived closer, I would enjoy an evening with you with the sole purpose to discuss our situations. Keep you chin up always as you are a special person who was given the wrong kind of guy. "survival of the fittest" is in the new Star Trek. You will survive if you are strong my deal. You are arise He failed to realize.

by kevinwo 732 Posts
Posted on 7/16/2009 2:27 AM

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I can empathize....some of my stbxh's actions during this whole divorce process I just can't believe...especially when it comes to finances and the house.

He cries poverty. I straightened out his poor credit rating over the years and now because of the divorce proceedings and the amount of time I needed to finally get a loan mod to keep the house...my credit has been destroyed!

But am I going to let it get me down.....hell no! It took much time and effort on my part alone...but I saved my house...I am a stronger person than stbxh.....keep repeating this to yourself......and yes, the feelings you're having right now will pass....slowly but surely.....hang in there!

by zuki 685 Posts
Posted on 7/16/2009 2:04 AM

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I've been where you are... still kind of am... I'm moved on but my ex is now having a baby with another girl and we aren't officialy divorced yet and I'm not real sure why it bugs me but it does.... his relationship is failing and while I take some personal satisfaction in that it doesn't really help. It's always like the dipshits we marry somehow get to walk away from it all like it doesn't really matter.... and here we are left to pick up the pieces. And when we have kids it's worse because not only do we have to hold ourselves together we have to hold our children together as well. Somehow the exes seem to slip out of that respnsibility too.... My thoughts are with you and this is just a moment. We have a lot of those in the midst of divorces. Isn't the first won't be the last but it will all heal in time and you will be the one who gets the last laugh I can promise you that. Karma is a bitch and it always comes back around.

by nomoredrama 38 Posts
Posted on 7/16/2009 1:30 AM

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Just remember "success is getting up once OFTENER than you fall" hope it helps it did me!

by mystruggle09 2 Posts
Posted on 7/16/2009 12:33 AM

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I've been through it too, so depressed, did everything you could to make the other one happy. Some people aren't capabale of seeing the blessing in their lives. You have children he has the love of himself, guess which hugs feel better? You just have to get past the I sacrificed so much for the other, (I have a problem with that too) and know that those kids love you and want you to always be there for them.

by Jamesalone 2776 Posts
Posted on 7/15/2009 11:56 PM

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Oh Flutters! I wish I could reach out and ((HUG)) you! I can relate to how you feel about just giving up.   I've had to make copies, make chronologies, phone call after phone call w/legal people. Tax preparer, IRS, PI, Atty in one state, Atty in another state. Sometimes I feel I'm not strong enough to do all this.   Got my oil changed and the guy pointed out my tires are so bald they got wires coming out. My a/c went out a few weeks ago. It's like getting hit from left to right all day.   One step forward, three steps back.

It's 12:30am and I got be at atty's at 9am. I got a ton of paperwork, copies, spreadsheets, etc. It's been a full time, very stressful job.

And yet, although I was the innocent one in the marriage, he gets to lock the account from me, walk with all our money, lie that we lived in another state (where he's at now) and walk off in the sunset without a worry. Ugh!! So not fair.

I know your pain is more emotional than mine and I wish I could magically say something to make you feel better. Do like I do. I say to myself when I go to bed "give me the wisdom and strength to make it one more day". That's all I ask every night. For one more day.

I got to sign off and hit the sack. I hope this meeting w/lawyer goes well. Keep fingers crossed please!!

I'll talk w/ya tomorrow.   And remember One Day at a Time. That's all we need to get through.

((HUGS))

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 7/15/2009 11:40 PM

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