sick and tired of being sick and tired 

a few weeks ago i called her to see how she was doing. i dunno why but i did. i remember her saying she hasnt done much of anything regarding her "plan" since she has moved out. see, the idea was that she was going to move into a minimum lease apartment, go to counseling and work on her self for awhile to see if we could move on. since doing this she has done nothing but move back in with her parents, work, and party. shes now bragging that she is the happiest shes ever been in life and doesnt need counseling. regarding the housing situation who knows if that will ever change.

since she left ive managed to find a very good paying job (almost the same as she makes), i bought another car, a motor cycle and started going to counseling. in the same conversation i said something to the effect that she isnt doing anything, is nothing and im doing so much better than her and without her. im not going to lie, it was a lame thing to say. but i FELT so much better. later on talking to her a week or so later she said her feelings were hurt incredibly and she cried about it for awhile after i said that. at the time i felt bad for making her cry, but now that i think about it, i dont really.

my own special torture to myself is to go on mutual friends Facebook accounts and look up her page to see if she posts up anything new. recently there were new pics posted of her out on the town, dancing on a bar in a mini skirt..... beautiful, my wife has turned into a attention whore. ive heard she started smoking again also. i wanna call and tell her "its 2009, guys dont think its attractive when women smoke". in the pictures she just looks.....bad. shes fake tanning again, which looks fine on some, but she has done it so much over the years that her skin is beginning to show it, add to that all the alcohol and now smoking again.....a girl friend of mine called to tell me she saw the same pics and mentioned that she looked old and "rode hard and put away wet". it all just adds to the fact that i wish she would just go away and i didnt have to deal with her. if this is how she deals with all this, i do NOT want her back, much less talk to her.

add to that the car we have financed together. i have a set of keys for it and want to go sniff around to make sure shes not smoking in it. because if she doesnt get it financed on her own within the next week, we need to put it up for sale. no one wants a car thats been smoked in these days. fun times are when i find more crap of hers in the house. it makes me want to go right to her work (which is a mile away) and dump the stuff in her/our car. i found a ring that she had engraved our names into the other day, i knew she was at a friends house, so i drove over and left the ring on the shifter. havent heard about that one yet surprisingly. this time around its a bunch of shot glasses from random places weve traveled to and some earrings. i dunno why, i just beat myself up about this crap.

i dunno. im just really tired of feeling this way. yet i have another 90 days till court. i have a car we both signed the loan for together to deal with. and whatever other BS goes with that. i wish there was a switch to flip so i could just disconnect and move on.