Blog

I just want to move on -- need ideas

Ok, this is the story. I filed for divorce 13 months ago. My STBX never really paid any attention to me, my wishes or my needs. I just went along with it for 17 years, thinking that he was acting "for the good of the family." Finally one day I woke up and realized if I had never been the most important thing in his life after all this time, that I never would be.
I tried various things to wake him up, including telling him I felt like he didn't even see me any more... but nothing worked... until the night I sat him down and said I had had it, that things needed to change. Now I realize that I was dealing with a narcissist. He was threatened and upset that his life was going to be disrupted. Where in the past, he never got angry or even reacted to things, now he was blowing up constantly, without any provocation.
After three months of that, I realized things weren't going to improve and filed last June. He has been dragging his feet all along, turning what could have been a simple divorce into a drawn-out ugly one that included a custody battle. At the same time, he maintains that he doesn't want this divorce, and he'll do anything to work it out. Oh, except for the things I ask him to do. He wouldn't even move out just to give our marriage a little space, so we could work things out.

It just dawned on me that this is all a control issue. He doesn't want a divorce because it wasn't his plan. Once again, he is refusing to listen to me when I say what I want. And honestly, I have been as blunt as a baseball bat with him. I think other people in his life, from his sister to our minister, have encouraged him to believe that he can convince me to change my mind.
So now.. how do I wake him up again? How do I get through to him that it is OVER, this is all just costing us both money, and we should agree on some kind of settlement? We have a court date but it's months off, and my lawyer says if the courts get behind that it could be postponed. Should I drag him back to our marriage counselor to see if she can get this through his head? I need some ideas that do not include explosives. (KIDDING!!)

by GreenEyedCat 28 Posts

Posted on 7/14/2009 2:46 PM

Get Alerts!

send to friend

Send to a friend

I just want to move on -- need ideas on divorce360.com

E-mail: Separate multiple addresses with commas(,)

From (Your name) :

Your e-mail address:

1	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Tags: messy divorce , narcissist

Blog posts by GreenEyedCat

| Next Post >>

Comments for "I just want to move on -- need ideas" (12) (You must be logged in to answer)

try a hammer!

by psycho 61 Posts
Posted on 8/1/2009 1:13 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

One more note.., They are controlling... I have been dismissed by him forever!! It is a control thing and they say they are not controlling. Everyone I talk to for help are like OMG!! What a freak.I do have advice.. Let me knowI have been married for 14 years. I am in my 40's as well.

by coniall 3 Posts
Posted on 7/30/2009 1:14 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

I am here to help you with ideas. I am no dummy..He is a partner at a law firm and so is his brother so I know how to talk the talk. I can fight with the best of them. He attempts to torture me constantly.ignore the other posts.They have no idea.It is sooo hard to convey.

by coniall 3 Posts
Posted on 7/30/2009 1:08 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Hey, Just read your post.I have been going through nearly the exact same thing for 6 years!!! And he did the same thing your spouse did. I could not believe it??? I knew we needed to separate and I had to drag him to counseling which he denied ever denying wanting to go or accepting. He told me he was going to move out. But, I did!!! After 6 months of him saying he was going to. He never was going to. He is emotionally immature and never wants to truly face the issue. i was always scoffed off!!!But, i came back really trying to work it out. Kids involved. I was crying every night. I wrote love letters and never got responses. I worked on everything the marriage counselor suggested. He just took advantage of it. And now... I made him leave after nearly 2 years of trying. He is trying to make me crazy. Saying he does not understand? WTF???I do not get it?? He was and is the same way. Completely emotionally unavailable and then when u put the hammer down. Oh my god!!! Watch out!! He cannot process that emotion. I am ready for the straight jacket. If u need to chat. I am here. I cannot believe that your situation mirrors mine.My heart is with you..E.

by coniall 3 Posts
Posted on 7/30/2009 1:04 AM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Don't consider it as being attacked GEC, well most of them anyway....you threw out a HUGE accusation. Narcissim is a very serious thing - and you are labeling the guy without any type of diagnosis and being an inconsiderate ape at times doesn't make for a narcissistic personality, nor when they lose it after being handed divorce papers.

A lot of people come to the worst conclusion when they get told "I want a divorce" you go to any website (even this one) and say your spouse is pulling away and acting different, the first thing asked is "do you think there is someone else"...which is probably what he thought, and why he chose to snoop and spy...people do far worse than he did when life as they know it just got turned upside down.

One trip to a counselor won't make any difference. You pretty much put the cart before the hourse, filed before you both came to the conclusion (with the help of a therapist) that it couldn't be saved.

The root of your marital problems lies with communication - you didn't really communicate with him for 17 years...now you all of a sudden want crystal clear communication to make the exit from this easier - it won't happen - it can't happen - he has to go through his stages of dealing with it on his own terms and you have to let him - even putting up with him acting like a looney toon.

He doesn't HAVE to settle with you. He can let it go to where a judge decides everything - that's his right. As much as it sucks for you - it's his choice.

Go read about the stages of grief - he isn't trying to control you, he's just in a huge state of denial...you were there once...

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2009 11:47 PM

	2	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Thanks, Smonky, for not giving me a knee-jerk reaction.
Ok, anyone have any actual suggestions on what I was asking for? Instead of attacking me?
As far as what he deserves, this is the guy who wouldn't take off work to take me to the hospital when I had a miscarriage... but went over the edge when I told him I was unhappy. At that point, he started doing crazy things like bugging my car (he admitted it), bugging the bedroom I was sleeping in (I found the baby monitor, hidden behind a dresser, plugged in and turned on), going through my purse. His unpredictable behavior and his unprovoked outbursts of anger have made me afraid of him. Read my "about me" for part of the story.
As far as him "taking care of me" once the divorce is final, he never has and I certainly don't expect it now.

by GreenEyedCat 28 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2009 11:22 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

nm, just read your "about you" page. it sounds like he deserves it, hahaha. im sorry thats not funny, but i should have read that first.

by Smonky 62 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2009 10:58 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

im in the same spot as your husband. i dont want the divorce, i want to work things out. but she is full of resent and positive that nothing is going to get better. again her decision and she even filed the papers.

only because i know where he is coming from he deserves a chance unless you are POSITIVE that things are over, then he like myself will just have to come to grips with it. but make sure its what you want, just imagine your feelings if you decided its not what you want and you end up going back to him?

by Smonky 62 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2009 10:56 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

You spent 17 years playng yes woman....and all of a sudden one day woke up and started being demanding of what you wanted - and he has an issue with it - hun, that isn't narcissim. That's being 100% NORMAL.

You can't feed a dog steak every day for most of it's life and not expect a wtf? when all of a sudden you decide it's kibble from now on. Dog might just turn around and bite you.

Life doesn't work that way - PEOPLE don't work that way...

you need to take ownership of the fact that your lack of pursuit of what would make you happy from the get go of your marriage has put you where you are today. You seem to be putting all the blame on him - and that isn't right.

You are going about change in completely the wrong way to get positive results, so it is no wonder life is complete chaos right now.

If he truly wants your marriage to work, and you want to give it a chance, the two of you need to get into marital counseling and BOTH of you have changing to do - not just him....and it is a process that you can't expect to happen overnight.

If you have given up and you want out, he has legal rights, and one of them is that he doesn't have to move until a judge tells him he has to - or it might come down to you having to move if you can't afford the home on your own...he won't have to take care of you once the divorce is final...

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2009 5:04 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Are you sure he's really a narcissist? I was with a true one and the signs were there early on. I did a lot of studying on it, A LOT and everything, every behavior, every move was predictable and came true. That is a heavy label to put on someone unless they truly are. Mine was, in every sense of the word. I wished I had looked the word up in the dictionary...I would have seen his picture next to the definition!

Maybe he got too comfortable with you? You said he'll do anything to save the marriage, so maybe agree on certain things to try and save it? I just watched "Fireproof". You guys should. It's a perfect manual for a man to save a marriage and to understand a woman who's full of resent.

Best of luck in whatever you do.

by lifeinpurgatory 1830 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2009 4:49 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

1. Why should he have to move out? You want the divorce...YOU move out.
2. From experience, whenver I hear a conversation of blame, there's always the side we DON'T hear about: guess what...you're NOT a victim in all of this. Has he provided you with a good home? Has he cheated on you? Did you arrange for therapy to try and save the marriage? What have you done proactively...aside from yelling at him..to try and save 17 years of investment?

Lift up every stone before you divorce...because on this side of the world, it's NOT any easier.

by HurtInColorado 1139 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2009 4:31 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

You have to do what is best for you. I don't advocate divorce but I have also learned from staying in a marriage for 38 years that I should have left a long time ago.
Take care of you. I wish you well in all that you decide.

by sjg 1773 Posts
Posted on 7/14/2009 4:26 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.

I just want to move on -- need ideas

help you budget and plan

definitions from "alimony" to "writ of execution"

divorce, custody and child support links by state

get help now