The 'step' factor 

Oh what a difficult road lies ahead for the person taking on the role of ‘step parent’.  It is a struggle.  An uphill battle. The experts give some insight on how to make it a little less painful but all agree that there will be mountainous bumps along the way.  They also list a number of fundamental rules which offer some promise when followed.  There are a plethora checklists detailing do's and don't available on the internet and in books.  One could read them all day if they were ever so inclined.

But despite all the how to’s and rules, there is always one precedent that every step parent must overcome.  You know what I’m referring to.  What do we all think of as soon as we hear the term ‘step parent’?  That’s right, Cinderella.  Not even the dreaded mother-in-law has such a universally accepted icon assigned to it.  Between Cinderalla, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, Walt Disney sure didn’t do blended families any favors. For as emblazoned as the image of Cinderella’s evil stepmother is for all of us, can you think of one character portraying a step parent in a positive light?  Off hand, I can’t.

So already behind the eight-ball, the potential step parent enters the shark infested waters.  The only safety cage available being knowledge.  And I would hope they would try to learn everything they could; read all the information available on how to create a harmonious blended family.  Because the sharks will come from all directions.  Everyone in the new family bringing their own collection of emotional obstacles to the table.

For the parent will bring their guilt.  The step parent their jealousy.  Both feelings being very natural according to the professionals.  But I’m not sure if anyone brings more to that table than the child.  Perhaps drowning in guilt themselves thinking that somehow the divorce rests with them.  Wondering that if by loving this new outsider they are betraying their other biological parent.  Thinking that this biological parent won’t have any room left for them after loving his or her new family.  Hoping this new person will like them, but not sure if they can be perfect enough to maintain the sentiment.  Yes, the child sits atop a mountain of obstacles that they can’t even hope to overcome on their own.

And yet, it is also generally accepted that younger children are the easiest to incorporate into blended families.  If a child is teen aged or older things only get harder.  And when the children are adults the hurdles can appear insurmountable.  And that is only understandable.  Young children have yet to feel any control over their own lives.  When they are told this new person is going to be an authority figure, their tendency is to obey and consequently accept.  That tendency diminishes with age.

Meeting your parent’s new significant other as an adult must feel so bizarre.  I have only one similar experience; that of my grandfather introducing his present wife after the death of my grandmother.  It was almost funny.  One minute I was a rational adult human being.  The next I was contemplating bringing up the topic of ‘circles of trust’ and fighting the urge to point from my eyes to her while muttering ‘I’m watching you, Focker’.  I felt defensive.  But defensive for who?  My grandfather obviously loved her.  My grandmother was gone.  Feelings can be so feral.

Yes, blended families have it hard.  But there have been successes.  With happy blendings.  And their success is a testament to all those involved.  Biological parents, step parents, extended family and children alike.  With everyone not only staring at their own plates working to overcome the obstacles they brought, but also looking around the table with gentle eyes and helping the ones they love overcome theirs as well.