Trying very hard to feel grateful for what I ended up with ... 

Yesterday was the settlement conference between the husband & I, & his two attorneys. I say 'two' attorneys because it certainly felt like my attorney was working for him, too (I guess when you know every attorney & judge in the county - it works in your favor - I KNEW I should have hired someone from a different county!!!) Enough of my whining ... & on to the outcome of yesterday's meeting ...

On the plus side, I'll still have medical benefits for the next three years which was an enormous relief to find the husband was agreeable to that. I get $20,000 put into a retirement account in my name (the only time I saw the husband tear up during the entire meeting was when the talk turned to his retirement accounts). So, I feel grateful. I feel content. I have an extra three years of health insurance. I know our marriage was short-lived so walking away from it with those two things is really all I could ask for.

The custody arrangement is still up in the air. There is a hang-up, my hang-up, with it that I just don't feel agreeable to. But again, his two attorneys assured me that if the issue went before a judge it would most likely go in the husband's favor. What about the children's favor?

Why, why, why does he (the husband) get to dictate essentially everything to do with the kids??!!! Why does he get to change the rules all the time & I have to just suck it up, because that's 'what works'. He's the one that wanted the divorce!!! He's the one that will forever sever our family in two!! I feel so frustrated, helpless, angry, you name it!! I feel guilty for feeling angry. Do I have the right to be angry? Is it worth spending time being angry? Do I have the right to finally yell out loud "But, it's not FAIR!!" I have been told all my life that life isn't fair and I really do know that it isn't. But I feel like I have this inner tantrum boiling inside that just wants to come screaming out!!

I'm trying very hard, I'm digging very deep to do what's right, what's best for my children to give them a happy, secure, loving environment where they can thrive & continue to grow into intelligent, responsible, confident people.

Please tell me how the hell to get through this!