He is now officially my EX. 

I went to court today....I entered still a legally married woman...They even referred to him today in court as my husband...The first time in almost a year he has been referred to that way....I walked out legally divorced...Did I wear the T-shirt? Absolutely...My lawyer almost had a coronary...That part did bring a chuckle from me...lol...I covered it up when I had to go up in front of the judge...One of my friends had offered last night to come to court with me and I thanked her but told her I would be fine...

I ended up calling her about an hour before court and asked her if she could still make it...I started freaking out this morning and as court got nearer, I got worse...I stood in the hallway waiting for 1:30 to come...I looked down 4 stories at the people walking on the sidewalk and watched my stbx walking across the street and up to the building until he entered...The tears started...I asked myself why...I was glad to be getting this over with...I have been so tired...It is not that I want to be married to him anymore...I don't love him anymore...but I do still have love for the man he once was...That was who I was grieving for...This jackass, I am glad to be severing ties with...but the wonderful man I once married, well...The tears were for him, and for what should have been, and what wasn't...I miss the man he once was...I miss having him in my life but that man doesn't exist anymore...

My friend sat between us...She has been both of our friends for many years...She was able to talk to both of us...I cried when I saw her and mouthed thank you to her...She made it less uneasy...My ex and I even exchanged a few words...The tears dried up....I was shaking still but the tears were gone until they called our name...My lawyer went up with me...I raised my right hand and swore to tell the truth...I was asked about 6 questions to which I answered yes...The judge looked at me and said, "It is so entered, Good Luck." That was it...It was over....I noticed I was the only one in there that was teary...

I again uncovered my t-shirt...My lawyer chuckled...The four of us, stood outside the courthouse for about 4 minutes chatting and then my ex walked off...My lawyer commented on the fact that I didn't wear my uniform to court, I said I didn't think it was appropriate...He said he was surprised to see my nerves because his wife who works with him is a little intimidated by me...I started laughing and said it is the uniform...My friend stated that my heart was soft, just many of my Soldiers didn't know it...The uniform would have kept me from crying because it would have been a defense mechanism but I didn't feel right about it....

After about 2 hours, I calmed down and common sense started kicking in...It is finally over...There is no need for arguing or anything anymore...It is all in writing...I texted my guy when I came out...I simply said "it is done "....He was in a conference call but texted me back and said congrats and that he would call me as soon as he was out...He later emailed and then called within 10 minutes after that....He asked if I was ok....I said yes, it had been emotional but that I am ok....He flies back home Thursday and I am picking him up at the airport...We are going out to a blues bar and will probably have those famous Yesterdog hotdogs again while listening...He said we should celebrate the fact that it is done and that I don't have to worry about fighting anymore...He understands what I was grieving for and what I wasn't grieving for...He gets what I am going through because he has been through a divorce too...I don't have to explain that it takes nothing away from my enjoyment of him...He gets it...

It is done and over and for now I feel a little peace starting to slip in....I am probably going to bed early because  I didn't sleep well last night and I am just tired...A hot bath first and then I will start my first official full day as a divorced woman tomorrow...That is soon enough...I am ok...It will only get better from here....